The Society For The Prevention Of Celebrity Divorce Will Prevent Celebrity Divorce With One Weird Trick

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We will preface this by saying we have no idea if this is an elaborate joke or the quixotic crusade of one clearly fairly wealthy individual, because we do not care. We are in love with J. Robert Butler, founder of the Society for the Prevention of Celebrity Divorce, because there’s something so charmingly retro and wrongheaded about his effort to … stop celebrities from getting divorced.

First of all, he’s going about it by putting up billboards! With really bad jokes! In Los Angeles!

The billboards are up on Sunset and Hollywood boulevards, in North Hollywood and Woodland Hills, and even on the side of buses. One says, “Dear Hollywood, Please remember… marriage is a commitment, not a sponsorship opportunity.” Another plays on Gwyneth Paltrow and Chris Martin’s splitsville talk in March: “Dear Hollywood, When you consciously uncouple, millions unconsciously uncouple too.”

Next, he’s pretty sure that no one in the old days got divorced nearly as much as these young celebrity whippersnappers.

Yes, there were celebrity divorces when I was young. But there weren’t as many breakups and they weren’t as public or as newsworthy. Divorce was seen as a last resort, and it was taken very seriously. These days, movie stars and recording artists pay more attention to what they’ll wear on the red carpet than they do their marriages.

Please please please don’t anybody tell this guy about Frank Sinatra’s track record. Or Mickey Rooney. Or Elizabeth Taylor. Or Cary Grant. We could go on, but we realized we’d have to go look on Wikipedia, and we are not that motivated.

Butler is certain that the showiness of the modern celebrity divorce is what drove his daughter to uncouple, because apparently his child is a remarkably soft-headed ninny.

When you read about a celebrity divorce, it somehow passes as entertainment. But it’s far from entertaining when the breakup hits close to home. Just last year my daughter told me that after three years of marriage, she and her husband were divorcing. This broke my heart. And I believe the high rate of celebrity divorce influenced her, just as it has influenced so many others.

So basically his daughter sat down and said “husband, if Courteney Cox and David Arquette can’t make it work, what chance do two crazy kids like us have?” Makes total sense!

He’s also got some outstanding “statistics” that are the very epitome of the maxim that correlation does not imply causation.

Marriages between ordinary citizens have about a 50% chance of ending in divorce.

60% of second marriages and 73% of third marriages don’t last.

Britney Spears was married to Jason Alexander (not the one from Seinfeld) for a total of 55 hours.

Tom and Katie announced their divorce in June 2012. Since then, none of Tom’s three movies grossed $100 million at the box office. Coincidence? You decide.

Tom’s movie Rock of Ages co-starred Russell Brand, who also filed for divorce in 2012. The movie was a major bomb. Coincidence? You decide.

Yeah, about that last one. Must have been the divorces that made it tank. Couldn’t have possibly been that the Rock of Ages looked like this.

Come to think of it, we might actually divorce someone that made us sit through this, so maybe J. Robert Butler is on to something.

[LAist/Society for the Prevention of Celebrity Divorce]

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  • Greg Comlish

    I think the internet can all agree that Brittney Spears should have married the Jason Alexander from Seinfeld.

  • Swampgas_Man

    Zsa Zsa Gabor should slap this man from beyond the grave.

  • BMW

    You know, on the one hand this divorce is going to cost me thousands of dollars in legal fees, but on the other hand I want to be just like Gweneth Paltrow…hmm, decisons, decisions.

  • SullivanSt

    You know, the divorces and the shitty movie could conceivably be related.It could be that one doesn’t do their best work when their home life is turning to shit.Could also be that one’s home life suffers too when work’s just a huge clusterfuck.

  • Birdbrain

    Well…. After watching that clip, if my husband had dragged me to the theater to see that movie, I would’ve had divorce papers served to him before the movie was over.So I’ll go with ‘bad movies cause divorces’.

    • Deleted

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