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Here Are Five Supervillians That Would Be Scarier And More Eeeevil Than BJ Novak Or Jesse Eisenberg

We’re not comic book nerds but we own computers, so we can’t avoid ceaseless announcements of super-scary stars showing up as superhero movie villains. Terrifying creatures like BJ Novak, who will probably murder Spiderman, and Jesse Eisenberg, who brings a new level of seething anger to his portrayal of Lex Luthor in Superman. Wait what?

We’ve owned kittens scarier than Novak and Eisenberg put together. We are hard pressed to think of anything LESS scary than either of those two people. What’s BJ Novak going to do? Cardigan Spiderman to death? And Eisenberg? He’ll just smirk and do that eye-twinkly thing and Superman will fall to his knees begging for mercy? Was literally everyone else in Hollywood busy?

Because we are public-service-minded, we’ve put together a helpful listicle of things that are more terrifying than BJ Novak or Jesse Eisenberg, all of which are perfect for your supervillain needs.

This Cartoon Rainbow

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Look at that thing. The anger positively seethes out of every color. The hearts remind you of your creeping mortality and also too how the rainbow could penetrate your weak little heart tissue and kill you dead any time it wants. Jesse Eisenberg cannot hurt your heart literally or figuratively.

This Baby Panda

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See how it just hangs there like a tiny furry ninja? At any moment, all 50 pounds of that thing could come hurtling out of the sky and literally cuddle you to death. BJ Novak cannot cuddle you to death even one bit. All he could do was call up Mindy Kaling and see if they could write some jokes together again, which is not the least bit death-cuddly.

That Coca-Cola Ad With The Foreign Talking

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=443Vy3I0gJs

We already know from Allen West that this thing is destroying America. You think it can’t kill Superman and Spiderman both? Can BJ Novak rend the fabric of America? Can Jesse Eisenberg tear out the still beating heart of white American and devour it? Nope, but Coke can.

Putting Your Toes In Water That Is Slightly Too Cold

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No really, just listen! Have you ever done this? Experienced the ceaseless agony of water that is only 80 degrees instead of bathwater warm? The pain and accompanying terror lasts for seconds, people. SECONDS. You’d run screaming from this water long before you’d even bat an eye at Jesse Eisenberg.

Elizabeth Wurtzel

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Clearly, we’ve saved the most bloodcurdling villain for last. Just imagine how scary your superhero re- re- re- re- reboot would be if Elizabeth Wurtzel showed up and started reading excerpts from Prozac Nation. What if she threatened to talk yet again about how she snorted Ritalin? Oh god, our blood runs cold at the thought of her writing about Bob Dylan again. If we had to eat a meal with Wurtzel and her bedazzled iPhone, we would be dead of terror, which would never happen with BJ Novak, even if we had to eat all three meals and a snack with the man.

Hollywood, we could go on, because the list of things scarier than BJ Novak and Jesse Eisenberg would circle the Earth twice, but you get the picture. Call on Happy for all your superhero supervillain casting needs in the future so you can avoid this kind of mistake in the future.

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  • Mahousu

    I’m still bothered by that lipstick smudge that Elizabeth Wurtzel has. Here, I fixed it up for her:

  • Mojopo

    You – truly! – nailed it!

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