Sep 30, 2019
How To Throw The Best Bachelorette Party Ever
So you’ve got to plan a bachelorette party, and you’ve got absolutely no idea what to do. Maybe you’re even the maid of honor! The day is approaching fast, and you’re nervous. Well, not to fear — I’ve got the best bachelorette party advice right here!
Kick the evening off with premium cocktails
Whether your budget is small and you’re making cocktails at home or your budget is big and you’ve got a private bartender for the evening, a great bachelorette party deserves a great start. Make the extra effort to be sure fresh fruits and other high-quality ingredients are included in your first drinks of the night. You can always switch to a box of Franzia in the limo later, when you’re blowing the bouncer from Chucklefuckerz Comedy Oasis.
Remember: whatever the bride says, goes
So the guest of honor wants McDonald’s for dinner and everybody else wants a nice fancy sit-down at the Margaritaville on the Vegas Strip. Well, fuck your stupid wants and dreams. It’s the bride’s night! She convinced some guy to throw it up inside her and only her for the rest of his natural life, and she will be rewarded for this feat however she damn well pleases. Don’t like it? Well, that’s probably why you’re still single.
Hugs not drugs
Haha, j/k. You’ve got to spend six hours with increasingly drunk idiots who happen to be your childhood BFF’s old sorostitute partners in crime. You’re going to need to get royally blazed in order to deal with 360 straight minutes of stories about the hijinks back at the old Kappa Slappa Flappa house at State. Bring pot brownies and make everybody try them. You might actually start to like these beasts, and at the very least, they’ll be more tolerable when you’re high as a kite.
Do something gay
No, not a drag show. Don’t take in something gay as a spectator. DO something gay. Make out with a fellow bridesmaid. Convince the bride that she won’t know her husband is the right one until she’s finally had sex with a girl (you). Make the right-wing Christian bridesmaid super-uncomfortable (read: secretly turned on) by holding her hand, gazing deep into her eyes, and telling her she’s the most beautiful woman you’ve ever seen. Why? Well, why not? It’s got to be more entertaining than reinforcing heteronormative mating rituals by drinking ‘rites through penis straws at TGI Friday’s for an entire night. And it’ll make for great stories you’ll never, ever tell your children.