Jul 15, 2014
Belgians Were The Original Hipsters: An Important Think Piece
So the United States fights Belgium in foreignball today (you may know foreignball as “soccer” or “football”). And it seemed a timely time, if you will, to explore the nature of the Belgian people. What we discovered is that the pale, mysterious Belgians are the original hipsters. Don’t believe us? Read on and remember, we were into Belgium BEFORE it was cool.
Belgium was Etsy before Etsy was Etsy
Belgians are a DIY people. They love to make things by hand. There is of course the obvious waffle example, but there is also lace, and chocolate, and fucking speculoos cookies, which all the hipsters are secretly buying in butter form at Trader Joe’s like it’s normal to own some gingerbread-flavored mud. Have you even tried speculoos, a.k.a. “Cookie Butter”? It is amazing and everyone should eat it.
Belgians created homebrewing
Look at these fucking monks, just straight monkin’ it up with their home-brewed ales or whatever. Monks started brewing beer in Belgium because they were in Belgium and it was Olden Tymes, and what the fuck else was there to do? Now brewing beer is Belgium’s entire Thing, basically, besides the waffles, and they’re very precious about it, because they are hipsters. Tell us more about the yeast and the hops and Christ, cool dudes.
Belgians invented Hercule Poirot’s mustache
Okay, so Agatha Christie, not a Belgian, actually invented Hercule Poirot’s mustache. The fact remains that Hercule Poirot, a fictional character, is a Belgian person with a mustache. Ergo, therefore, his hipster face is Belgian, and all Belgians are hipsters who go to independent “artisanal barbers” who lather their faces with an old-timey shaving brush and then use a straight razor crafted by adorable steel working elves in the mines of Cutesnfloopen.
Belgians have their own secret hipster language
What even is Flemish? Is it just a style of painting, or a style of people, or a style of talking? It is all of these things and more. Belgians upcycled Dutch, a perfectly fine language, and made it into some weird thing no one really understands except Belgians. It is like a strange language only twins understand, except the twins are all of Belgium. This is such a hipster thing to do, like installing a letterpress in one’s vintage arcade game room or riding a bicycle everywhere, HI BELGIUM.
Belgians claim to have invented French fries
Oh, okay, Belgium, sure. You were into French fries before ANYBODY ELSE was into French fries. You invented French fries, or so you claim. Well if that’s true, why are they called FRENCH fries? Has anybody ever thought of THAT? We are Americans, and we know things, and one thing we know (or maybe think we know) is that Belgium is different than France, probably. So ha! HA!
Now go watch USA vs Belgium foreignball today at 4 p.m. East, and tell everybody you totally knew the Belgians were hipsters before anyone else knew the Belgians were hipsters. USA! USA! USA!