Belgians Were The Original Hipsters: An Important Think Piece

Belgians Were The Original Hipsters: An Important Think Piece

So the United States fights Belgium in foreignball today (you may know foreignball as “soccer” or “football”). And it seemed a timely time, if you will, to explore the nature of the Belgian people. What we discovered is that the pale, mysterious Belgians are the original hipsters. Don’t believe us? Read on and remember, we were into Belgium BEFORE it was cool.

Belgian lace

Belgium was Etsy before Etsy was Etsy

Belgians are a DIY people. They love to make things by hand. There is of course the obvious waffle example, but there is also lace, and chocolate, and fucking speculoos cookies, which all the hipsters are secretly buying in butter form at Trader Joe’s like it’s normal to own some gingerbread-flavored mud. Have you even tried speculoos, a.k.a. “Cookie Butter”? It is amazing and everyone should eat it.

Fucking hipsters

Belgians created homebrewing

Look at these fucking monks, just straight monkin’ it up with their home-brewed ales or whatever. Monks started brewing beer in Belgium because they were in Belgium and it was Olden Tymes, and what the fuck else was there to do? Now brewing beer is Belgium’s entire Thing, basically, besides the waffles, and they’re very precious about it, because they are hipsters. Tell us more about the yeast and the hops and Christ, cool dudes.

Hercule Poirot

Belgians invented Hercule Poirot’s mustache

Okay, so Agatha Christie, not a Belgian, actually invented Hercule Poirot’s mustache. The fact remains that Hercule Poirot, a fictional character, is a Belgian person with a mustache. Ergo, therefore, his hipster face is Belgian, and all Belgians are hipsters who go to independent “artisanal barbers” who lather their faces with an old-timey shaving brush and then use a straight razor crafted by adorable steel working elves in the mines of Cutesnfloopen.

Belgian Van_Eyck_-_Arnolfini_Portrait

Belgians have their own secret hipster language

What even is Flemish? Is it just a style of painting, or a style of people, or a style of talking? It is all of these things and more. Belgians upcycled Dutch, a perfectly fine language, and made it into some weird thing no one really understands except Belgians. It is like a strange language only twins understand, except the twins are all of Belgium. This is such a hipster thing to do, like installing a letterpress in one’s vintage arcade game room or riding a bicycle everywhere, HI BELGIUM.

Belgian fries

Belgians claim to have invented French fries

Oh, okay, Belgium, sure. You were into French fries before ANYBODY ELSE was into French fries. You invented French fries, or so you claim. Well if that’s true, why are they called FRENCH fries? Has anybody ever thought of THAT? We are Americans, and we know things, and one thing we know (or maybe think we know) is that Belgium is different than France, probably. So ha! HA!

Now go watch USA vs Belgium foreignball today at 4 p.m. East, and tell everybody you totally knew the Belgians were hipsters before anyone else knew the Belgians were hipsters. USA! USA! USA!


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  • Respiteini

    The Smurfs are a Belgian invention. We should probably annihilate them on GP as a result.

  • Mahousu

    Actually, not all of Belgium speaks Flemish. About a third of the country are Walloons, which is one of the most awesome names ever. The Walloons used to speak Walloon, which is pretty much like an older form of French, but now they mostly speak Belgian French, which is pretty much like an odder form of French.Weirdly, there’s a pocket of Walloon speakers in Door County, Wisconsin, which was a sort of pre-hipster hipster area of Wisconsin.

    • glasspusher

      It’s tough to be accurate in retrospect, but “pocket of Walloon speakers” is about as far from what I’d guess to hear as far as something random today. Interesting!Also: Is Wisconsin cool now? If not, is it possible to be a hipster about it at the moment, or do I have to wait for it to be cool?

    • Villemar

      One thing (among many) that I really liked about the Belgian movie ‘Bullhead’ (a really dark, disturbing, intensely compelling movie that was nominated for Best Foreign Language Film a couple years ago), was the fact that the Flemish-speaking characters called the French-speaking characters “Fucking Walloons.” Fucking Walloons. It has a nice lyricism to it.

  • Jack Haldane

    A people that puts mayonnaise on fries is not a people you can trust.

    • It’s good if you make the mayonnaise by hand with an old timey whisk in an old timey bowl.

  • FeloniousMonk

    When I was a student, Magritte posters were cooler than Dali.

  • Villemar

    “Fookin’ Bruges.” Thanks for letting me Get My Schadenfreude On.

    • Villemar

      Wait, I think I used Schadenfreude wrong. Please proceed.

  • Bitter Scribe

    The guy who sits next to me at the office is from Belgium. He and his fiance (also from there) were featured, with a picture (that they supplied), in a Flemish-language newspaper, in an article about Belgians who feel mixed allegiance during the match. Way cool.