Apr 27, 2018
Baywatch “Mirror, Mirror” (part 4 of 4)
And now, dark waves crash against the shore. There’s a shot of Mitch’s feet as he gets dragged down a rickety wooden staircase. As it turns out, Mattie is bringing his unconscious body down into the basement of an abandoned beach house.
She throws him on a mattress and takes a pair of handcuffs out of her purse, and cuffs him to… something. It’s too dark to see. She then lays down next to him and promises to “take such good care” of him. She whispers, “We’re together now and no one is gonna bother us!” I honestly have no idea how Carrie-Anne Moss said all of these lines with a straight face.
The article continues after these advertisements...
And now, it’s the next morning at the abandoned beach house. The water level has risen, and now Mitch’s mattress is floating in about five inches of water. So, it’s a beach house where the basement fills up with water during high tide? I guess?
Mitch wakes up, and sees his hand is cuffed to the wall, and he actually yells, “The hell?” Just then, the door at the top of the stairs opens. Mattie comes downstairs in a bizarre pair of short shorts with ruffles around the legs. She’s carrying a tray, and it seems she actually made Mitch breakfast, complete with OJ and eggs and bacon and coffee and toast and all the fixings.
Mitch is horrified. He puts a finger up to a point on the wall and his post-production voice yells, “That’s the water line!” He begs and pleads with Mattie to let him go before high tide rolls in and he drowns. Mattie simply replies, “Whenever you’re ready to eat, you go ahead, okay?”
So this was Mattie’s big plan, huh? To lure Mitch into her trailer so that she could drug him and take him to an abandoned house and drown him? If all she wanted to do is drown Mitch, why didn’t she just throw him in the ocean after she drugged him? I think she just wanted to show off how well she can cook eggs over easy.
While Mitch struggles to stay afloat, it’s back over to the nearly forgotten B plot. Matt and Summer are getting dropped off by a motorboat, where they set up “buoys” that are basically big red beach balls, and Matt is trying to get his buoy perfectly aligned with Summer’s. And then there are shots of Summer’s legs underneath the water, and I think you know what that means.
Sure enough, the shark stock footage shows up yet again. Summer sees a shark fin circling her, and she puts all that valuable lifeguard training to work by simply treading water and screaming for Matt. This prompts Matt to… scream out to the guy driving the motorboat, who turns around to get them.
The shark gets closer and closer to Summer. So Matt swims right past her. I assume he’s trying to distract the shark, but I’m being very generous here. The motorboat comes around and Summer climbs aboard, and she yells, “We gotta get Matt mrrmrr shark!” Eh, whatever, Nicole got out the important words of “Matt” and “shark”, that’s good enough to call it a day.
Matt’s suddenly about half a mile from the motorboat, and he swims for the boat, while the stock footage chases him. Finally, he’s pulled aboard, just as the stock footage shark surfaces and bares his stock footage teeth. Whew! That was a close one. That shark was almost in the same episode as Matt!
As they pull him aboard, Summer helpfully says, “Matt, you saved me from a shark!” I guess we’re supposed to take her word for it. Matt wants her to pinch him, to prove it’s not a dream. He yelps in pain when she pinches him and he says, “I guess this is a real one!” I have no idea what all that accomplished, but somehow it resolved Matt and Summer’s relationship issues, because that’s the end of the B plot.
And now, there’s more stock footage of waves crashing into that abandoned beach house. In the basement, Mitch is now up to his neck in water, and crying out for help. He hears Gwen/Mattie upstairs, arguing with herself, and Gwen wants to save Mitch, but Mattie says, “You are so useless! You can’t save anyone, Gwen!”
Mattie then begins to remind Gwen of the “last time” she tried to save someone from drowning. Gwen replies with the extremely articulate, “Shut up shut up shut up it wasn’t my fault!”
Eventually, Mattie is the personality that comes downstairs, still wearing those goofy short shorts. Mitch yells that he’s drowning, but Mattie says, “Gwen would let you drown, not me!” She adds, “I’m a victim too, Mitch!”
At that moment, Mitch notices the marks on Mattie’s leg. See, they’re the same marks that Mitch saw when he tended to Gwen’s leg. And it’s only now that Mitch finally realizes that Gwen and Mattie are the same person. Despite being something of a dunderhead, Mitch quickly grasps the situation, and demands to speak to the Gwen personality. Mattie yells, “Gwen isn’t here!” Mitch presses on, wanting to know who Gwen couldn’t save.
And this… oh, Jesus, this all triggers a flashback to when Gwen/Mattie was a little girl. If this episode gets any cheesier, I’m going to have a lactose induced seizure. Two twin girls sit in a little rowboat feeding ducks in a lake. One girl falls overboard, and the other one just stares. And if you look real close, you might just see the hands of the crewperson who tips the boat over.
Little Gwen reaches out for little Mattie. In the present, Mattie runs up the stairs, but Mitch stops her by calling out, “Guinevere! Guinevere, milady!” As it turns out, that’s the key. Calling her “milady” is all it takes to bring back the Gwen personality.
Mitch yells at Gwen to check her pockets for the key to the handcuffs. Gwen replies, “Momma, I tried to save Mattie, I tried!” Okay, Mitch is screwed.
As Mitch slowly starts to go under, he desperately yells, “You couldn’t save her! But you can save me!” Finally, Gwen finds the key in her pocket, and hands it over, and Mitch dives under the water and undoes his handcuffs. He comes back up and holds Gwen tight in his arms and says, “Mattie’s dead! It wasn’t your fault!”
And now, we’re outside the local police station. An ambulance for the “Sealand Sanitarium” waits outside. Mitch and Gwen come out of the station, and Gwen freaks out at the sight of the ambulance. Mitch assures her they’ll “give you the help you need!”
Gwen provides a much needed rationale for her psycho behavior with, “Mattie was everything to my momma! I had to keep her alive!” So there you have it. Gwen’s mother was so despondent over the death of her twin sister that Gwen invented a personality based on her. Makes sense to me. But don’t ask me why she made Mattie into a evil slut ho bag.
Mitch once again assures her that it wasn’t her fault, and says Mattie’s death was an accident. Gwen asks if she can come see Mitch again after she’s cured. Mitch replies, “You better,” sounding like perhaps they cut out the rest of his line. You better… stay outside of a fifty mile radius of me at all times.
And now Gwen is in the back of the ambulance, and for some reason they’re letting her hold onto her high heels. I always thought people in mental institutions generally weren’t allowed to have sharp objects, but what do I know?
She takes off her horn rimmed glasses, and she asks the paramedics to turn on the radio. Luckily, the radio happens to be tuned to the Sultry Sax Channel. As music fills the ambulance, she starts to turn back into Sexy Mattie, and she lets down her hair. She feels up on one of the paramedics, and says she just loves to dance. Interestingly, the paramedics just seem kind of amused, instead of being creeped out that a would-be psycho killer is flirting with them.
Then she looks at herself in the ambulance’s rearview mirror, and laughs and laughs, and just like that, the episode ends. That was… um, quite the ending, wasn’t it? Are we supposed to assume that she kills the paramedics on the way to the sanitarium? Were they setting up a sequel? It doesn’t really matter, because later that year Carrie-Anne Moss became a regular on Models Inc. and neither Gwen nor Mattie were ever seen again.
The credits roll to the Baywatch closing theme, sung by the Hoff himself, which is called “Current of Love”. And I apologize in advance to all the Germans I’m about to offend, but David Hasselhoff really cannot sing. At all.
If there’s one good thing to be said about this episode of Baywatch, it’s that it highlights just how weird and butt-ugly the Wachowskis made Carrie-Anne look in the Matrix movies. She’s actually really hot. Who knew?