Dec 16, 2019
Battlefield Earth: A Saga of the Year 3000 (2000) (part 8 of 10)
And now begins the Battle of Denver (the DVD’s title for this section, not mine). I prefer calling it the Rumba In Dar Hills! Before we begin, I should mention I’m originally from lush and tropical Puerto Rico (for those of you geographically-challenged, it’s an island in the Caribbean owned by the United States). So my knowledge of American movies and pop culture is probably not as complete as it should be. Hence, I won’t be accusing this movie of stealing from other movies. However, I will be pointing out all the obvious clichés. Hopefully, I’ll get through this before my brain comes oozing out of my ears. Without any further ado, on to Richmond… err Denver!
We cut (no center wipe here; Mr. Christian, you betray me) to a lonely guard going into the human holding pens. Mickey calls from his perch to announce three guards coming from the north, and two from the south. General Jonnie Goodboy Rommel orders a Random Guy to take on the ones on the south, and he’ll take on the ones on the north.
General Goodboy sneaks up on his guards, but Random Guy launches a blundering attack that would make General George B. McClellan seem like a military genius on par with Alexander the Great. Needless to say, Random Guy is quickly dispatched (bye, Random Guy, we hardly knew ye!). General Goodboy notices, and does the traditional “NOOOOOO!!!!” That’s right, Smartboy: people actually get killed in battles. He shoots the Psychlos and tries to save our Random Guy, who is obviously already dead.
Mickey tries to warn General Goodboy that the shots activated the alarms, and that five guards are rushing to their location. Soon, Psychlos are lunging towards our heroes at a tilted angle. As an aside, I understand they’re doing this to make Travolta and Whitaker look taller. But would it have killed them to find guys who are actually tall to play some of the other Psychlos? Like say, some centers in semi-pro basketball leagues? Getting a couple of seven-foot guys on platform shoes would have produced the same effect.