Battlefield Earth: A Saga of the Year 3000 (2000) (part 8 of 10)

And now begins the Battle of Denver (the DVD’s title for this section, not mine). I prefer calling it the Rumba In Dar Hills! Before we begin, I should mention I’m originally from lush and tropical Puerto Rico (for those of you geographically-challenged, it’s an island in the Caribbean owned by the United States). So my knowledge of American movies and pop culture is probably not as complete as it should be. Hence, I won’t be accusing this movie of stealing from other movies. However, I will be pointing out all the obvious clichés. Hopefully, I’ll get through this before my brain comes oozing out of my ears. Without any further ado, on to Richmond… err Denver!

We cut (no center wipe here; Mr. Christian, you betray me) to a lonely guard going into the human holding pens. Mickey calls from his perch to announce three guards coming from the north, and two from the south. General Jonnie Goodboy Rommel orders a Random Guy to take on the ones on the south, and he’ll take on the ones on the north.

General Goodboy sneaks up on his guards, but Random Guy launches a blundering attack that would make General George B. McClellan seem like a military genius on par with Alexander the Great. Needless to say, Random Guy is quickly dispatched (bye, Random Guy, we hardly knew ye!). General Goodboy notices, and does the traditional “NOOOOOO!!!!” That’s right, Smartboy: people actually get killed in battles. He shoots the Psychlos and tries to save our Random Guy, who is obviously already dead.

Mickey tries to warn General Goodboy that the shots activated the alarms, and that five guards are rushing to their location. Soon, Psychlos are lunging towards our heroes at a tilted angle. As an aside, I understand they’re doing this to make Travolta and Whitaker look taller. But would it have killed them to find guys who are actually tall to play some of the other Psychlos? Like say, some centers in semi-pro basketball leagues? Getting a couple of seven-foot guys on platform shoes would have produced the same effect.

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Rafael Antonio Cabrero

Originally from Puerto Rico, I got interested in the world of bad movies thanks to a late night job in college that gave me the opportunity to watch Joe Bob Brigg's Drive-in Theater. Joe Bob introduced me to gems such as Sorority Babes in the Slimeball Bowl-o-Rama, and They Call Me Macho Woman. I went back to Puerto Rico in 1995 and remembered kindly, but firmly showing a friend the errors of his ways, when after wasting $5.50. (And to think they now cost twice as much!) sitting through Armageddon he ahd the had the gumption of commenting that the movie was quite realistic. When I bumped into this website, and read the Armageddon and Godzilla recaps, I knew this was the place to drop by periodically in this wild and wooly world of the Internet. In fact, the Armageddon recap was a 13-page expansion on the arguments I used after that fateful Saturday afternoon. After years sitting on the sidelines reading the recaps and participating in the forums, I was honored, when Jet asked me to help out recapping Battlefield Earth. I was surprised how funny I could be and have begun slowly contributing to the site. I am not well-versed in pop culture, but I am a history buff (especially military history), a news junkie, and a bit of a sci-fi fan. I hope I can bring that viewpoint in my recaps. Well I think I have bared enough of my soul for all of you. I hope you enjoy my recaps.

Multi-Part Article: Battlefield Earth: A Saga of the Year 3000 (2000)

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