Nov 20, 2019
Batman & Robin (1997) (part 2 of 13)
We then cut to a stone building with the words GOTHAM MUSEUM OF ART engraved on the facade. Inside, several security guards run towards Mr. Freeze. There’s no evidence here of any guards imprisoned in blocks of ice, but maybe Commissioner Gordon is just precognitive.
The guards start busting caps at him, so Mr. Freeze fires his big Ice Cannon at them. A bright bluish-white beam hits the guards and they all turn into rent-a-copsicles. We then get a close-up of Mr. Freeze (played by Arnold Schwarzenegger) as he grins and says, “The iceman cometh!” Or, rather, in Arnie-Speak: “Deh aiyceman kummet!”
Some of Mr. Freeze’s Eskimo-like henchmen come up to him, holding a struggling, non-frozen guard. Why are they doing this? You see, in the script the guard is supposed to beg Freeze for mercy, which is what he’s doing now. Mr. Freeze replies, “I’m afraid that my condition has left me COLD to your pleas of mercy!” (Get used to these stupid puns on ice, freezing, and being cold, people.) Mr. Freeze then fires the Ice Cannon and turns the guy into an ice sculpture just like all the other guards. So apparently the whole “begging for mercy” thing was only put in there to set up that retarded pun. And it only gets worse.
Freeze spots a huge diamond inside a glass case and fires his Ice Cannon at it. As a result, the glass case explodes, leaving the diamond unharmed [?]. Freeze eagerly grabs the diamond, when suddenly the skylight shatters above him. Batman crashes through and lands on the head of a dinosaur. (A dinosaur? In an art museum?) Batman memorably says, “Hi, Freeze. I’m Batman.” At this point, I started to wonder if this script had been written by a computer.
Batman then slides on his feet, skating all the way down the dinosaur’s neck, down its spine, and goes flying off the tip of its tail. Then, while obviously hanging on wires, Batman spreads his cloak and lands with his feet in Freeze’s chest, which causes the diamond to go flying. For another much-needed dumb pun, Freeze tells Batman, “You’re not sending me to the cooler!” Or, rather, in Arnie-Speak: “Yeh nawt sendin me to deh KOOLAH!”
At that moment, Robin comes crashing through the front door of the museum on his bike. You know, if this is the amount of property these two supposed “heroes” have to destroy to save the diamond, then perhaps the museum would be better off just letting Freeze have it.