Jun 5, 2019
Come Help Us Speculate Wildly About Who Will Play Barbie In Her Big Screen Debut
Barbie is finally making her debut on the big screen. Collaborating with Sony Pictures and Mattel to document her enviable life, Barbie is reported to be perky and enthusiastic about the venture. Because she is drawn that way and has no choice but to be perky and enthusiastic, even when children are cutting off her lovely nylon hair, amputating her limbs and forgetting her in the yard for days at a time.
Information about the live action Barbie flick is scant, but sources say it is a buddy comedy, centered on Barbie’s work in the fashion industry. Barbie the aspiring fashionista becomes the assistant to Boring Bureaucrat. We wildly speculate that Barbie will add sparkles, rainbows and ponies to boring bureaucrat’s crap life of not wearing fabulous eyeshadows and going in to debt to buy pink convertibles.
No word on which of Barbie’s numerous BFFs Boring Bureaucrat is based on, but rumors abound nowhere that Midge, Barbie’s most boring companion, was the inspiration for the role. However, the tumultuous nature of Barbie and Midge’s relationship after their twenty year estrangement makes it unlikely that Midge will be credited for her part in the flick.
Imaginary Unconfirmed rumors abound that Barbie herself will be giving the final thumbs up to the actress who will play the iconic role. Pundits around the world are not talking about the actresses tapped for the short list, and Happy will not be left out of this media un-firestorm. With that, we proudly present the 5 actresses most likely to play Barbie:
1. Jennifer Lawrence
While our dear friend Jennifer has virtually nothing in common with bottle blonde Barbie, in our pretend world, Mattel is pushing for Lawrence to take the role. The recently released Katniss Everdeen Barbie has a limited shelf-life, but if Lawrence takes the part Mattel stands to make a bundle by reselling the dolls in a different outfit when they merchandise the new movie.
2. Pamela Anderson
Pam may seem to be a little mature to play the role of Barbie, but Barbie is actually a decade older than the former Baywatch babe. Pam’s infamous figure works in her favor, almost mimicking Barbie’s proportions, but fortunately, Pam has slightly larger ankles, allowing her to actually stand up without assistance and avoid the tragic affliction that has plagued Barbie throughout the decades.
3. Valeria Lukyanova
Lukyanova’s considerable experience surgically transforming herself into a living Barbie never caught the eye of execs closely related to the Barbie production, and her lack of dramatic roles may exclude her from finalizing the deal, but word on the street is that Barbie sees a kindred spirit in the deeply disturbed Lukyanova.
4. Hillary Clinton
With everyone wondering why Hillz has been so cagey about a 2016 run for the Presidency, it never occurred to those Beltway blowhards that perhaps Secretary Clinton was being wooed by Hollywood to star as the illustrious Barbie. Said Clinton to no one ever, “Fuck it. Playing Barbie on the Silver Screen would be way more influential on our culture, and instead of dealing with bat-shit crazy Republicans and Russian dictators, all I have to do is change my clothes every 90 minutes? I’m in.”
5. Jessica Simpson
Producers have not confirmed that they would give their right ovaries to have Jessica commit to this role. Not only does she have the figure for it, but her vapid doe eyes so closely match Barbie’s painted-on peepers that it is shudder-inducing. Given that Jessica was able to bring such sparkle and excitement to the 2005 Dukes of Hazzard reboot, we’re sure that Jessica could really embody the upbeat Barbie brand.
Mattel has no comment on the not leaked short list, because we did not contact them and probably never will, but we will totally go see this movie when it comes out. Not even sorry.
[Jessica Simpson and Pamela Anderson photos by PR Photos]