Barbara Walters Is 84, Owns A Vibrator. And?

Barbara Walters Is 84, Owns A Vibrator. And?This week, Barbara Walters told us about her vibrator. (The last time we paid attention to Barbara Walters, which apparently was 2007, she was recommending a specific brand of lube.) But BARBARA WALTERS IS 84 YEARS OLD!!!1! Now you have to think about old ladee vaginas!!!1! Good. Let us take you by the hand and help you through these troubling times.

First, old lady vaginas may be somewhat droopy. Then, they may either be bald, or bearded. (My maternal grandmother told my mom, who told me, that she had in her old age lost her bush, while my sister once helped our paternal grandmother in the bath and reported back that her pubes were about four feet long and grey as Gandalf.)

So old lady vaginas may not be centerfold material for Hot Snatch Magazine, but most vaginas aren’t centerfold material for Hot Snatch Magazine. Very few vaginas are all flat, with their clitoris poking out like a pompon on top of a beanie, because of how they got no labes. You would know this if you weren’t a redfaced angry misogy-virgin repulsed by the human female form.

You know what else is kind of droopy? Old man balls. So, you know, really, shut up.

Next, sex is good for you and keeps you young and please stop being a bigot.

Now that we have explainered you, let’s give some love to Barbara Walters, freedom fighter and sexual adventuress. (One of our favorite factoids about Walters was that she had an affair with the first black senator since Reconstruction, Edward Brooke, back when interracial sex MEANT something.)

And now that we have given some love to Barbara Walters, let’s see what this whole hullaballo is aobut.

First, Barbara Walters, EIGHTY-FOUR!!!!1!, talks about her vibrator, and what it’s called when you have a little You Time on Friday nights. (Pro-tip: first comes the bubble bath, with a glass of wine and either some marihuana if you are in a civilized state, or a handful of pills if you are somewhere gross, like Florida, where people take pills.)

It’s called a selfie! That is pretty funny, Babawawa!

Here is how TMZ covered the story:

Barbara Walters really loves herself — like REALLY loves herself — the 84-year-old just announced on TV she has a VIBRATOR … and it even has a name.

OHHHHH ALL CAPS!!! In TMZ’s defense though they also pointed us to Babs asking Elizabeth Hasselbeck if she likes rough sex, so that is freaking awesome.

Barbara Walters Asks Elisabeth Hasselbeck "'Do… by GWHH19

(Hasselbeck answers that she and her husband are currently not having any additional whelps, by which we guess she means they are only doing it in the butt.)

Now that you are thinking about Elizabeth Hasselbeck’s husband putting his weenie in her pooper, don’t old lady vaginas sound a whole lot better?

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  • docterry6973

    I can live with this image, which I’m sure is good news for Barbara.

  • Respiteini

    This wins the morning.

  • lenny-t

    Nothing wrong with a little self-improvement no matter what age.(But I wish you hadn’t told us about your gramma’s cunker.)

  • gullywompr

    Takes licking, keeps ticking.

  • Snarknado

    You know what else is kind of droopy?

    You rang?

  • La Cieca

    and… it runs on steam power.

  • Sitkajo

    In that last sentence are you asking us to choose (hypothetically) between porkin Barabras VJ and Elizabeth’s bum? Please clarify!

  • DeSwiss

    And, this weekend you can get HALF-OFF 12oz Denture Mint Flavored Astroglide by showing your AARP card and then just say: ”Barb sent me!”

  • mimsy18

    I don’t watch The View a lot but good for Babs enjoying the self love.

  • Annie Towne

    Darling Editrix: While I am reluctant to correct such a venerable figure as yourself, don’t you mean “vulva”, not “vagina”? I blame Eve Ensler for this problem, much as I love her. And I’m unclear about whether you mean to say that Barbara did sleep with a black man: factoid means fake fact, just as android means fake man, a very common error. With all due respect, Annie

    • ChuckieJesus

      I didn’t know that about “factoid”, thx. But I will admit using “vadge” as a name for the whole cooter specifically because it would piss off a highly pedantic white male of my acquaintance who feigned awful pain when people with the junk in question had the nerve to call it “the wrong name”.Vajayjay, however, is probably the silliest one I’ve heard;dr: I’d probably be all about promoting “vulva” if it weren’t for shitty You’re not being one. Peace.

      • Annie Towne

        Yeah, “vadge” is kind of winning out, and it has the advantage of sounding casual (caszh vadge). The problem is that they’re all too clinical sounding, or too sexy sounding. We need an entirely new word, but I have no ideas at this time. Perhaps we can get HNTP to sponsor a contest?

    • rebecca

      REALLY???? It’s not a little fact? I am fired.

      • Annie Towne

        I found a newer, secondary definition which says: A fact of little importance or interest. So you can rehire yourself on a technicality, I suppose, but “false fact” is the primary (and often, only) definition. And I don’t think you meant that the information was unimportant and uninteresting. Trust your suffixes, is what I always say (fortunately I say other, more interesting, things, too).

        • rebecca

          haha, people downvoted you.

          • Annie Towne

            I’ll live.

  • ChuckieJesus

    I’m on the senescence slow dive past forty here, good to know vadges and clits still work real good when you’re old.