Apr 25, 2019
Bad Superhero Movie Showdown 2004: Blade Trinity vs. Catwoman
In 2004, the Blade trilogy came to a close. It triumphantly started with Blade, and got even better with Blade II. The mix of Wesley Snipes’ gruff lead character, techno blood spatter, and vampire mythology had worked very well. And if the trend had continued, Blade Trinity would’ve been the greatest thing that cinema had ever produced. Citizen Kane, Vertigo, and Blade Trinity.
And oh, man. It wasn’t.
On the other side, a new series burst out of the gate and immediately slammed into a wall. Catwoman, bearing no connection to the character played by Michelle Pfeiffer or quality filmmaking, leapt upon an unsuspecting world and clawed its eyes out. It didn’t need a trilogy, as Catwoman contains the terribleness of multiple films. But is its immediate awfulness worse than the disappointment of Blade Trinity? Let’s find out.
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Round 1: Worse Hero
By Blade Trinity, both Wesley Snipes and the entire moviemaking process had seemingly become tired of Blade. He’d once been a badass vampire hunter/kick dispenser, and now he was reduced to looking flummoxed by Ryan Reynolds’ insistence on shoving some sort of quip into any possible situation. Sure, Blade still punched as powerfully as ever, but it’s just not as cool when the scenes around it are all of Blade babysitting his co-workers.
Catwoman is sub-Gothika Halle Berry. Hell, it’s sub-Die Another Day Halle Berry. Sure, she does what the dictionary definition of “acting” is, but it’s such a bored, sluggish attempt at it. Nothing feels natural or energetic. There’s nothing to indicate that she actually likes the film that she’s trapped in.
You can still tear the Blade Trinity disc out of your DVD player and pretend that the whole thing stopped with Blade 2. Catwoman, however, will always be the only Catwoman in the Catwoman franchise. It stands alone, haunting you.
Round 2: Worse Side Characters
Before he was a mediocre Green Lantern and an inspired Deadpool, Ryan Reynolds was Hannibal King, who took any bit of silence in the movie as an insult against him. To get revenge on the pauses in the script, he fills the film with jokes and references, and is a “comedic” character in the sense that a slice of pizza is a vegetable.
Every side character in Catwoman is remarkably ill-defined. A character is someone with a role and, at the very least, an identifiable personality, right? There’s none of that in Catwoman. There is Catwoman and people in the same shot as Catwoman.
Loser: Blade Trinity
I am so utterly indifferent to Catwoman’s cast that I would give it an award for Best Ensemble as long as I never had to endure Ryan Reynolds machine-gunning his dialogue at me in another Blade movie.
Round 3: Worse Villain
Blade Trinity has Blade taking on the ultimate vampire, Dracula. And Dracula has a slightly cool beast form, but for the most part, he exists as a dull, buff guy that doesn’t seem too excited about his own master scheme. After hundreds of years of slumber, you’d think that he’d be a little more pumped to drink some blood and dominate some countries, but as it turns out, he couldn’t care less. Should’ve let him keep napping.
In Catwoman, Sharon Stone seems to be doing a parody of a Sharon Stone role. This is both a good thing and possibly the worst idea that I can think of.
Loser: Blade Trinity
Weight Room Bro Dracula provides the perfect counter for Ryan Reynolds’ hyperactive open mic comic, but it does unspeakable things to my attention span. I prefer the blatant embarrassment of Sharon Stone.
Round 4: Worse Universe
Blade Trinity is actually kind of cool in how it presents human/vampire relations. In fact, the first thirty minutes of the movie, before Dracula becomes a major player, is the best part of the film. As soon as it becomes a standard “Blade needs to stop another abhorrent vampire” story, it all goes downhill.
Catwoman’s universe is a mix of clumsy mythology, science fiction, and depressing parkour. If you find this to be a blend that fits together, then thank you for reading my article, creators of 2004’s Catwoman. I am sorry that this movie happened to you.
Again, Blade Trinity has a solid thirty minutes. It’s like someone took a really good episode of Blade: The Series and said, “Now, what this needs is about an hour of upsetting everyone.”
This is the first tie in my Bad Superhero Movie Showdown series, and I’m okay with that. I want neither of these movies in my world. I want to live on a planet where I don’t have to see them packaged with Constantine and the theatrical cut of Watchmen at Best Buy. I want to wake up tomorrow, wonder why I have a hole in my memories from 2004 that lasts about four hours, and just be okay with that.