Jul 30, 2017
The Bachelor RECAP: Wedding Crashers, Goat Milkers, and Jimmy Kimmel (S19:E3)
This week brought us a “very special Bachelor” episode, with surprise guest Jimmy Kimmel waking Farmer Chris up with coffee in bed and telling him he will help him out on his journey to love (by testing out all the women in the sack).
Host Chris introduces Jimmy Kimmel to the women, who all laugh hysterically at his jokes. Jimmy creates the “Amazing Jar,” where the ladies have to donate a dollar every time they say “amazing.” Then, he finally leaves the first date card, and it is Canadian Kaitlin!
The date card promises a trip to someplace exclusive that you need to be a member to enter. Where could it be? The gals speculate, then Kaitlin and Farmer Chris speculate, then the limo rolls up to Costco! (For real, I’m super jealous, never been to Costco, if anyone has a membership, hit me up.) Jimmy Kimmel is waiting for them there, and funny as he is, they seem kind of pissed at this date locale. Farmer Chris aptly states that while this may be what real couples do on the weekend, it’s not what they do on a date.
Too bad. Armed with a shopping list from Jimmy, they buy lots of ketchup and wind up smooching in a giant plastic hamster ball, which I can only assume is a normal part of the Costco experience and well worth the $55 dues right there.
Next, they have to cook dinner for Jimmy. Kaitlin feels like making dinner together is “‘the most real thing you can do as a couple.” They smooch some more, and Farmer Chris seems really stoned. I think Jimmy is getting him high off camera. Once everything (and everyone) is nice and baked, Jimmy starts asking the tough questions. Would Kaitlin be pissed if she won Farmer Chris’s heart but then watched the show and saw him fantasy-suiting it up with the other ladies? Kaitlin eloquently says nah, “you gotta test drive the car if you’re gonna buy it.” Jimmy thinks she is a keeper but still advises Farmer Chris to have sex with everyone.
Kaitlin does seem really down-to-earth. They were laughing hysterically throughout the date. I don’t know if it was to humor Jimmy, because they were stoned, or because they were genuinely having a good time. It does seem like Kaitlin is one of the only girls that could pull off this Costco/Kimmel date with a smile. Thumbs up for Chris + Kaitlin.
Jimmy defiles the sacred rose decree, but it’s all good, everyone’s high. Kaitlin gets the rose, Farmer Chris gets more kisses, and Jimmy gets to eat wings in the hot tub. A good night for all!
Date 2: Milk It for All It’s Worth, Girls.
And now we’re onto date #2… a group date. The lucky ladies are Jillian The Barbarian, Becca the Boring, Tracy the Teacher, McKenzie the Mother of Kale, Kelsey That ‘70s Sister, Amber the Boring Bartender, Crazy Ashley, Widow Juelia, Samantha (who has failed to register with me at all thus far), Cruise Ship Carly, and Nikki the Cheerleader.
Today, Jimmy’s got a bunch of farm challenges for the women, because Chris is a FARMER! If you wanna be with him, you better get a-farmin’, ladies! The majority of the girls are genuinely horrified. First, they have to shuck corn and then fry an egg. Jillian is the first to take off; McKenzie gets disqualified for breaking yolk.
After the eggs, the chicks move onto goat milking, where they have to not only pump it out but swallow it too. It looks repulsive, but the googly-eyed cruise ship singer is out to prove her mettle and chugs it, finishing in first place. (Amber the Bartender says, “It’s salty and warm. Not stuff I like in my mouth.” Sure, she has to say that in case her mother is watching.)
The last event is pig wrestling. You know, like farmers do.
Even though she has a headstart, Jillian can’t get the gate open in order to wrestle the pig. As if that could stop her. She leaps the fence Dukes of Hazzard-style. But, alas, her brawn is no match for Cruisy Carly’s brains, and Carly WINS! Yay! She gets a blue ribbon and the opportunity to dress up for an American Gothic-style picture with Chris! A trip to Costco, playing dress-up at the farm… Are these girls living the dream or what?
We move on to the second part of the date, and imbued with an odd sense of confidence from her big win, Geeky Ass Carly decides she’s going to steal Chris the second his ass hits his seat. Eeeeek. Then, in what is sure to go down in one of the most awkward Bachelor kisses of the evening (and there are SEVERAL), Carly says, “You’re a man and I’m a woman, and I’m going to take advantage,” and lays a big smacker down on Farmer Chris.
Now begins Farmer Chris’s marathon make-out montage! Yes, montage. There is so much spit swapping I can’t even keep track of who they are. Even a trip to Google can’t help; apparently the internet lost track of whether there were seven or eight women. I, for one, disapprove! And so does McKenzie! Oh yes! When she gets some one-on-one time with Chris, she’s all, “Remember how we kissed last week? Why are you kissing these OTHER GIRLS NOW??” And then she makes the Macaulay Culkin Face.
In awkward moment number one million of the night (can we turn the Amazing Jar into an Awkward Moments Jar?), poor Chris answers with a lot of grunts and throat-clearing sounds. Then he has a one-on-one talk with Becca the Boring, who also seems stoned, so maybe it’s a good match? Becca seems like a sedated Miss Texas Contestant. Then, in a momentous turn of events, Chris and Becca DO NOT MAKE OUT! They hug. Awwwwww. Gag.
Meanwhile, back at the house, the next one-on-one date card has arrived. It’s for squeaky-mouse-voice babymaker Whitney. She squeaks about how she hasn’t gone on a date AT ALL yet.
At the group date, the rose goes to the only girl he did not make out with—Becca! See, you don’t have to give out the goat milk for free in order to win the rose, ladies.
On to Date #3. Farmer Chris is wearing a hot pink shirt, and Squeaky Whitney is wearing a hot pink tank top with a sleeveless denim vest and a giant shell necklace. I don’t know what’s going on because it looks like they are going to a Miami Vice Party.
Chris says he likes girls that can “roll the cab”—which is farm slang for “shoot the shit,” as we city slickers say—with anyone. So Whitney and her horrible voice brag that she’ll “meet people at airports and then become Facebook friends with them!” SO FUN. After no apparent bonding, Whitney is talking about how undeniable and “legit” their connection is. They see a wedding party, and in the spirit of cab-rolling or cow-tipping or whatever-the-hell, Whitney suggests they CRASH THE WEDDING! See, she is so fun! She is just like the women Chris wants! Sigh… I wish Kaitlin was on this date. And Jimmy Kimmel, for that matter.
So White Jeans Whitney and Farmer Chris change clothes, grab a gift, and head off to crash a wedding. With a full camera crew. They come up with their cover story in case they get recognized (they don’t): Whitney is a magical magician because Chis is amazed by how awesome she is at wedding crashing.
I would rather eat glass than listen to her—and she was useless on the date—but Chris is mesmerized and runs to get the rose and give it to Whitney. He tells her that she made the day incredible and that he could see her as his wife. Whitney says it would be “the greatest story of all time” if they get married and could “somehow tie this in.” Oh, Whitney! You are an outside the box thinker!
Farmer Chris is showering again. This time with Jimmy Kimmel.
And soon everyone’s going to get wet. Chris and Jimmy tell the women that they’re not going to have a cocktail party, but a pool party! Holla.
Juelia, whose husband committed suicide, decides midday bikini bash with 18 other girls might be a good time to tell Chris her tragic backstory. She grabs Farmer Chris and bares her soul. It’s very horrible and Chris is handling it very well— but it’s just totally not the right time for this. I bet he’s wishing Jimmy would jump out of the bushes right about now.
So after the big talk with Juelia, Britt the Hugger snags Chris. She won’t let him talk at all. Just tongue-wrestling, pal. Jade the Cosmetics Designer wastes no time getting in there, stealing him away for a tour of his place, or more specifically, his bed. Hey, guess what happens next? They—wait for it—MAKE OUT! Jade’s boobs fall out of her bikini.
The real fun, though, is happening with “Virgin”/Kardashian Ashley. She is in a tizzy! She NEEDS TO FIND CHRIS! She forms a posse with Mackenzie (who has raided Kelly Taylor’s ’93 90210 closet) and Megan the Make-Up Artist. They find Chris in the hot tub with Jillian the Barbarian, at which point Ashley expects the rest of the search party to just vamoose. Hasn’t she seen this show before? Oh man, she’s crying and thinks that the girls should be more generous. I’m starting to believe she may be a virgin. This girl is clueless. She does manage to cry/make out with Chris though.
Rose Ceremony Time! We start with Jade getting the first rose. Boobs always win. Chris actually had a little Freudian slip saying Jade when he meant to say Jimmy, so we knew Jade and her fall-out boob were on his brain.
Next is Samantha the Fashion Designer, who may or may not have even appeared on camera yet this season.
Blonde Widow Juelia gets the next rose, then teen mom McKenzie. Then Dark-haired Widow Kelsey, whose strategy of never speaking or doing anything seems to be working. On to Britt the Hugger. Then Megan the Make-Up Artist, and Carly the Horrible Karaoke Cruise Ship Crooner who won the blue ribbon for goat milking.
The next rose goes to Crazy Ashley—who, bless her heart, was sorely missed this episode!
Then it’s Nikki the Cheerleader, who for all we know could be building a nuclear bomb with Samantha in the basement for all we’ve seen of her.
Jillian the Barbarian is safe, and the final rose goes to Virgin Ashley, even though she tried to insist he call her name early on. See what happens when you’re pushy, Ash?
There are forgetful goodbyes with Trina the Special Ed Teacher, Amber the Bartender (guess Chris saw that clip where she didn’t like salty stuff in her mouth), and Tracy the Fourth Grade Teacher. Byeeeeee!!!
Pamela Gross lives in LA and reps Storyboard Artists. She has a funny dog and cat, and she’s kinda social media-challenged but trying to get better! Foller her Twitter: @UpwithPamKelly