Aug 6, 2017
The Bachelor RECAP: All the Single Ladies (S19:E1)
I’ll admit it. I have watched a couple episodes of The Bachelor. Mostly because my friend Brittany was watching it and I wanted to hang out with her and drink wine. So I’m not a virgin, but apparently one of the contestants is.
So here we go.
A Bachelor premiere recap like you’ve never seen read before!
We start the 3-hour premiere with a red carpet event that opens on a live viewing party. They promise the “strangest” rose ceremony in history. Plus! We also get virgins, whores and widows this season.
I didn’t watch whatever season of The Bachelorette the new Bachelor was on, so I’m happy to have an introduction. Meet Chris—a.k.a. Prince Farming. He’s a folksy Iowa farm boy. They show a montage of him on the farm fishing with his dad, working out and sitting around with old folks at the local chuckwagon café. He talks about how he’s missing harvest time to sow the seeds of love. Gag.
Cut to a family scene where they are all seated around the table—where the only thing on the table is great big piles of corn. It’s the most Iowa dinner ever. Did Monsanto sponsor this season?
Now we get to watch Prince Farming ride his motorcycle out of Iowa and into L.A., as if he just arrived, no baggage, nothing but dreams of finding Ms. Right and keeping the clock ticking on his 15 minutes of fame.
The intro is over and we’re back on the red carpet. We still have 45 minutes until the show actually starts.
This is where I pour another glass of wine and listen to the parade of past contestants. One winning couple might “pop one out” in 2016. Another is trying to decide when they will have their wedding. According to that lovely Bachelorette, they’re splitting the wedding planning “80/40.” However that works.
They interview the Bachelorette that dismissed Prince Farming to see if she is happy with her choice. She seems a bit tense. They ask her what she can tell us about Farmer Chris that others may not know. She replies, “Hangs to the left.” In her head, of course. She says some polite bullshit on screen.
We talk to the unlucky lady who chose Juan Pablo, Nikki. That girl knows how to stick to the talking points. They are” different people” with “different priorities.” Say it over and over. Don’t stray from the message. He is not a self-centered douche bag. He just has different priorities. Himself.
On to the show!
First, we see Prince Farming shop and shower and workout. This is riveting TV, folks. Let’s meet those ladies already! There are 30 of them. I’ll attempt to sum them each up in ten words or less.
1. Britt, 27, waitress—Hug slut! Gives him a coupon for free hug later.
2. Whitney, 29, fertility nurse—Squeaky voice and tiny dog. She makes babies!
3. Kelsey, 29, school counselor—Well spoken, classy widow. Looks like Anne from Parks & Rec. (I secretly hope she gets cut and discovers online dating instead. She can do better than this.)
4. Megan, 24, makeup artist—Nashville girl who gives an appropriate length hug.
5. Ashley, 26, freelance journalist—Not memorable. I’ve got nothing.
6. Trina, 33, special ed teacher—Talks to Chris like he’s special needs.
7. Reegan, 28, cadaver tissue sales person—Brings a (fake) bloody heart in a cooler. (Chris says it’s “awesome” which impresses me because that shit is weird. His Midwestern manners are perfect.)
8. Tara, sports fishing enthusiast—Wears jorts and shorty boots.
9. Amber, 29, bartender—The black one. (I wish they’d given her a little air time so I could say more.)
10. Nikki, 26, former cheerleader–Enters while everyone talks about Tara’s jorts and shorty boots.
Speaking of which, Tara gets out of the car and meets Chris again in a cocktail dress. I kind of liked this gimmick—especially for Chris. I think it shows she can fit in on the farm and at a nice event (in theory). More on that later…
11. Amanda, 24, ballet teacher—Crazy eyes. Lives with mom. Freeloading ballerina.
12. Jillian, 25, news producer—Fitness junky. Lets him feel her bicep.
13. Mackenzie, 24, dental assistant—Single mom with a son named Kale. (Farmer Chris should like that. They could name their other children Alfalfa, Quinoa and Rhubarb.)
14. Ashley, 24, hair stylist—Gives him a lucky penny for his shoe.
15. Kaitlyn, 29, dance instructor –The whore. Says he can “plow her field any day.”
Normally, there’d be more limos and more ladies, but the host sends Chris inside to talk with the ones he’s got. This would be a suspenseful surprise for the audience if we hadn’t already been informed a hundred times that there’d be 30 contestants tonight. It’s incredibly boring to watch these 15 women stress over whether they’re the only ones or not for what feels like fucking hours. Meanwhile, Chris gives them a pep talk. He encourages them to be themselves. If they are lucky, they will be almost-but-not-quite good enough to win—and then maybe they can star in their own season.
Kaitlyn, the whore, tells a dirty joke about a walrus and Tupperware. The widow is horrified (keepin’ it classy) and the girl from Nashville is confused. She’s been to a lot of Tupperware parties (it is the South) and doesn’t get what’s funny about a “tight seal.” It’s very important in food preservation.
They all vie for Prince Farming’s time. The fertility nurse with the little voice tells him she makes babies every day, which is kind of cute. Someone else gives him a heart-shaped rock. Amanda the crazy-eyed ballerina—who had skipped the initial introduction and slipped him a secret admirer note instead—finally meets Chris face to face and talks about the importance of good eye contact. As if he could avoid it. It’s like she crazy glued golf balls under her eyebrows.
Then three more limos show up. The first 15 women are angry. Apparently this next group consists entirely of prop comics. I’m going to refer to them as “the others.” My notes are a little fuzzy here. We are two hours into this thing, and I’ve been drinking as much as Tara, the sports fishing enthusiast, who is having a hard time standing up at this point.
Here are the others.
16. Samantha, 27, fashion designer—Not memorable.
17. Michelle, 25, wedding cake decorator—Not memorable.
18. Jeulia, 30—I took a drink here and missed what she does for a living.
19. Becca, 25, chiropractor assistant— Not memorable.
20. Tandra, 30, executive assistant—Rides up on a scooter.
21. Alissa, 24, flight attendant—Queen of flight-related word play. (He should like her—she’s corny. Get it. He’s a farmer. I must be really drunk.)
22. Jordan, 24, student—Brings airline booze. Should be a flight attendant, too.
23. Nicole, 31, real estate—Red head! Brings a pig nose to “ham it up.”
24. Brittany, 26, wrestler—Wearing rags. Makes him a #soulmates poster. #Outofherleague.
25. Carly, cruise ship singer –Brings a karaoke machine and sings him a song.
26. Tracy, 29, fourth grade teacher—Brings him a cute note from her kids.
27. Bo, 26, plus size model—She’s here for the food.
28. Kimberly, 28, yoga instructor—Not memorable.
29. Kara, 25, soccer coach—Not memorable.
30. Jade, 28, cosmetic designer —Not memorable.
At this point, I’m ready to cut half these people and call it a night. Anyone with “not memorable” next to your name can go on home. Unfortunately, they have a long way to go. We get to see the girls compete for his attention. Mackenzie, whose son’s name is Kale, has never heard of Alfalfa. She asks, “Is it organic?” …which actually leads to a funny California vs. Iowa moment when he stammers a non-answer. He’s got 6,000 acres of soy beans, people. Do you really need your tofu to be organic? Isn’t it enough that it’s tofu?
Ashley the hairstylist gives a speech about how people are like onions… that you chop open. She tried to get the cameraman to pan to an onion that is growing on a tree… hmmm?… then gets mad when the camera doesn’t comply, so she goes over and picks it. It’s a pomegranate. She is clearly not farm material.
Tara is totally drunk. This thing has lasted like 15 hours so you can’t blame a girl.
The time comes to hand out his first impression rose. He gives it to Britt—because she was the first person he met. She gives him another clingy hug and then makes out with him. I feel like this is moving pretty quickly even for The Bachelor.
We get to hear how no one wants to go home tonight. No one wants to go home on the first night, they say. The first night is not when you want to go home. Everybody clear on that yet? Then, there are some interviews with the audience. Holy shit, can we get to the rose ceremony already?
At last, Chris starts grabbing roses.
We get to keep Kaitlyn the whore, Jade the cosmetic designer, Samantha the fashion designer, Ashley the freelance journalist, Tandra the executive assistant, Nikki the former cheerleader, and Kelsey the widow.
Drunk Tara starts to cry… but there’s plenty of roses to go.
We’re keeping Megan from Nashville, Alissa the flight attendant, Amber the black one, Juelia the unmemorable one, Becca the chiropractor assistant.
Tara starts wobbling and rubbing her arms and shoulders to stay warm. She’s falling apart.
Chris gives Trina the special ed teacher a rose, and Tara nearly falls down.
Abruptly, Chris turns around and leaves the room without a word. There’s still a small number of roses in the pile, but no Bachelor. I’m surprised Tara doesn’t pee herself right then.
After a commercial break, Chris explains what’s up to the host. He planned to give Tara a rose, but she’s obviously drunk as a skunk in a bunk with a monk. The host says he’s not too late to change his mind, but drunk people do make good teevee, and he doesn’t want his season to suck, does he? DOES HE???
Chris returns to his harem and gives a rose to Mackenzie the mother of Kale, Tracy the fourth grade teacher, Tara the lush (collective “What the fuck? REALLY?”), Jordan the student, Jillian the weightlifting news producer, Whitney the Disney character who makes babies, Carly the cruise ship singer and Ashley the onion girl.
We lost the red head, the plus size model, the crazy-eyed ballerina and some other people. There are lots of tears. Someone is upset because those other women “don’t even know him like I do.” What?
The winners surround their prey and hold their roses in the air in some sort of ritual group hug. But then one of the losers goes all Liam Neeson and breaks back into the party to confront Chris…
And that’s our thrilling cliffhanger, folks. We have to wait until next week to see if Kimberly the Yoga Instructor can crash her way back into competition.