Jul 30, 2017
The Bachelor RECAP: Roses, Drunks & Zombies (S19:E2)
We reunite with the gang in episode 2 right where we left off: with Kimberly, who was not given a rose in E1, tearfully asking Chris for an opportunity to continue. “It’s just not like I had planned,” she emotes. She is a VERY serious about making this work and just “like, can’t walk away from this that easily.”
Bachelor Chris turns to his Host Chris, who says, “This is your life, like, there are no rules.”
And with that statement, Host Chris is totally ensuring that no chick will ever leave easily again. Look out, Prince Farming. They’re going to start chaining themselves to you like treehuggers trying to save the Earth’s last redwood.
The women are pissed that Kimberly is allowed back in. Ashley, the trashy Jersey girl and alleged virgin, says this shows “Chris isn’t going to ‘play by the rules,’” and she actually does fingers quotes (just like everyone in the audience does when referring to her as a “virgin”). Kaitlyn the Whore says she thinks it’s BS that Kimberly is back and shows herself to have serious potential as this season’s “bitchy one,” proving not everyone from Canada is nice.
On to date time!
The two Chrises powwow with a bunch of “Do you believe it’s…” Then Host Chris tells Farmer Chris that the lucky ladies are “just up your driveway.” Farmer Chris tells us (in a zip-up hoodie with no shirt on underneath) that he is PSYCHED!
But before the ladies on the show can have their fun, we’ve got a little something for the ladies at home first: Chris hops in the shower and suds up his bod while he tells us in VO that “this date could be the first date he has with his wife.” It’s SO ROMANTIC.
Group Date Time:
The first date is a group date called “Show Me Your Country.” ‘Cause he’s from Iowa. Get it?
We cut to a shot of Bachelor Chris zipping up a hoodie with NO SHIRT underneath (he really likes that look). The six lucky ladies are on this date are…
Jade the Cosmetics Designer, Tandra the Scooter Girl, Ashley the “Virgin,” McKenzie the Mother of Kale, Kimberly the Roseless Gatecrasher, and Tara the Lush.
We don’t know what this date will bring yet, but Trashy Ashley warns that she’s “more Kardashian than country.” Ha ha ha. Ugh.
The gang makes their way to a rooftop pool in Los Angeles and guess what!!! It’s a pool party! Bikini time! So, apparently by “country” Chris meant stubble bumps.
All is fine until Kimberly the Interloper snags the first one-on-one moment with Chris. Kimberly may suck, but she has managed to maintain full red carpet makeup despite chicken fights in the pool.
Kimberly laments their bad first start, and Chris decides he’s going to start over with her and reenact their first meeting. Barf.
Meanwhile, back at The Bachelor pad… the make-up artist from Nashville and Jillian the Barbarian (who seems to also be topless under her hoodie, so maybe it’s a fashion trend… except she also seems to be bottomless except for a thong, so let’s hope not) decide to sneak into Chris’s house while he’s off foolin’ around with other women. Once they get inside, Nashville Girl proceeds to put on Chris’s motorcycle helmet and bang her head against things, so… mission accomplished?
Part 2 of the Date:
Chris takes the ladies on a walk around Los Angeles in their bikinis (Chris could at least offer one of them his hoodie, but HE IS FEELING THIS LOOK).Then, finally the reveal: 6 MINI tractors. Hell yeah! The girls proceed to mount the tractors and talk (producer-induced) shit about how badass they are.
Back in bachelorville, Jeulia the Blonde Widow tells the other women she had a husband who killed himself. She seems really sincere. She cries to the girls as she explains her past, and I wonder if she’s ready?
Country date continues: the ladies are now sitting on their tractors in the middle of a road scattered with hay bales. It’s a race! Sort of! Tractors aren’t known for their speed. (I hope that the dates get a little higher budget soon.)
Trashy Ashley wins, so she gets a little alone time with Prince Farming.
Except Chris promptly ditches her to go one-on-one for the evening with Momma McKenzie, who eschewed the two-piece for some overalls and gigantic Navajo earrings. You go, girl! Curly power! The other girls are discouraged. Did he not like their razor burn?
Farmer Chris takes McKenzie out to dinner, where she proceeds to tell them she likes him for his big nose, which is her favorite trait on men. She is very awkward, and it’s very strange. Then McKenzie decides to ask him about aliens, which is awesome first date material. Seriously. Try it.
Meanwhile, back at the ranch, the gals are discussing how McKenzie needed this time to tell Chris about her son. So she’s 21 years old, wears overalls, and has a son. Congratulations, Chris! McKenzie just might be the most country!!!
Side note: I feel like I’m a 90-year-old English teacher, but damn, these women say “like” way too much!
McKenzie is totally wacky but also completely guileless, which is sweet, and obviously Chris likes it because he slips her the tongue and then the rose.
Date #2: Death Wish?
It’s a one-on-one with Megan the Breaking-and-Entering Nashville Makeup Artist! She gets confused by the date card even though this is the 19th season; she’s not sure if it’s a date or a love note. Once it’s made clear, Megan is so excited you guys!!!
Megan and Chris jump on—“Oh My God”—a plane! After the plane, they get on a helicopter and fly around the Grand Canyon. They’re both saying all the things you say on The Bachelor when you’re flying around the Grand Canyon, wow, beautiful, amazing, etc., although Megan was equally excited about the plane, so who knows exactly how she feels. She’s a puzzle, that Megan.
Then, they land to have a picnic. Long story short, Megan’s dad passed away, and she knew she needed to go on The Bachelor. All of which means she’s here for… you know what’s coming… the “Right Reasons.” DRINK! Thanks, Megan!
Farmer Chris says this is the perfect day with the perfect person. Saliva is exchanged, and Chris gives Megan the rose! Honestly, it seems like these two kids may have a chance. Chris feels like there’s something there, and Megan “has never been this happy in her entire life.”
Meanwhile, back at the house, another date card! Okay, this group date is going to be GOOD! This date is with Kelsey the Dark-haired Widow, Trina Who Looks Like the Sister on That ‘70s Show…
…Alyssa the Corny Flight Attendant, Tracy the Fourth Grade Teacher, Jillian the Barbarian, Becca the Forgettable, Amber the Bartender, Ashley the Onion Lady, Kaitlin the Whore, and Britt the One Chris Made Out With in Episode 1.
This date is called “‘Til death do us part.” Jillian is excited to get out of the house and not have to ride tractors in a bikini! I can’t say I blame her. Off they go in the limos, and then—ZOMBIE ATTACK!!!
Really. Zombies attack the limos.
Everyone in the limo is terrified, then boom! Surprise, it’s Chris! They’re going to be playing paintball against the zombies, who, being zombies, won’t be armed, so it’s less paintball and more undead safari. Ashley the Onion Lady isn’t getting it. She thinks they are in the Mesa Verde.
Back at the pad, a drunk Jordan the Student proves surprisingly resourceful—using spit and Chapstick as a handgrip on the floor so she can twerk.
Off in Zombieland, Chris and Kaitlin the Whore chat. She makes the Canadian accents and Chris thinks it’s sexy. She’s my favorite right now. Kaitlin has been around the world with her ex, and she is done with it! Screw Germany, Iowa is calling!
Farmer Chris goes in for the kiss.
Meanwhile, Crazy Ashley is all over the place. She’s talking about angels…? This is actually not funny. I think Ashley is mentally ill. She can’t figure out what’s going, she won’t stop shooting the poor actors playing zombies, and she’s barely able to hold a conversation even after she still Chris away from all the other women.
Chris is being a trooper and eventually escapes. Onto Britt! She was his first love of the season, and she wants to see if “the connection is still there.” Chris has a gift for Britt… his saliva. Or rather, a gift card for it… a free kiss, like the free hug card she gave him last week. I may be a naïve Bachelor fan, but it seems like they really like each other.
After the Britt chat, Farmer Chris rejoins the group, and Kaitlyn gets the rose!
It’s almost rose ceremony time. Farmer Chris is all smiles, then squeaky baby-maker girl steals him away for an awkward encounter. That’s when Trashy Ashley tells Megan the Makeup Artist and Mackenzie the Alien Lover that she’s never had a boyfriend and she’s never had sex before.
McKenzie says she wishes she could pull that off, but she has a son…
Then Trashy Ashley tries to seduces Chris with her belly button ring. He’s not one to put up a fight, and soon they’re making out. Ashley’s ‘sexy’ act is actually pretty creepy, but Chris is not going to be deterred from tongue jousting.
Predictably, Britt the Original Smoocher is freaking out. Amber the Bartender understandably feels left out and decides it’s her turn to kiss Chris. Then, Jordan the Twerker interrupts, and she’s awkward and terrible—but her makeup looks really good. (Do they get a make up artist or do they do their own? Maybe Megan is running around fixing everybody up?) And now its time for the rose ceremony.
Farmer Chris says he’s “already having so many feelings.” Mostly tongues, I’d guess. But he seems sincere and I feel for him.
Rose #1… Britt.
Rose #2… J@#li&
Wait, who? Jillian thinks he says her name, but it’s actually Juelia. Ouch. That really pulled the rug out from under her. Almost literally.
Also surviving this week… Amber the Bartender, Trashy Ashley, Crazy Ashley (are you kidding me?? the producers insisted, right??), Becca the Forgettable, Carly the Cruise Ship Singer, Jade the Cosmetics Designer, Jillian the “You did say Jillian this time, right?” One, Kelsey the Dark-haired Widow, Megan from Nashville, Nikki the “Did she even appear in this episode?” One, Trina the Special Ed Teacher, Squeaky Whitney, Tracy the Fourth Grade Teacher, and Samantha the Fashion Designer.
Quick, who’s left?
Or rather who’s left out, because the other five women are going home. Say goodbye to Alyssa the Stewardess, Tandra the Scooter Girl, Jordan the Twerker, Secondhand Kimberly, and Tara the “I thought Chris was my number one, I never seem to be anyone’s number one, I’ll get used to rejection one day, I don’t know why I’m not used to it yet!!!!!!!!!!!” One.
Damn, girl. I think this show owes you at least a three-month subscription to eharmony.
Pamela Gross lives in LA and reps Storyboard Artists. She has a funny dog and cat, and she’s kinda social media-challenged but trying to get better! Foller her Twitter: @UpwithPamKelly