Apr 9, 2017
The Bachelor FINALE: Come On, Baby, Prove That You Love Me
The Bachelor finale is finally here! Farmer Chris has 48 hours to decide if he’s going to follow his heart or take the easy way out
OK, Bach-Holes, we kick off this shit show with a live audience and host Chris Harrison saying that Prince Farming has a “big choice ahead of him.” Thanks, Host Chris, very helpful as always. Have you considered becoming an NFL color commentator?
Then the real show begins. We join Farmer Chris with his family in Iowa, and he tells them he’s got a big choice ahead of him. Where have we heard that before? The family presumably replies, “No shit, Sherlock, we’re familiar with the show,” but sadly it’s left on the editing room floor.
We’re down to the final two. Farmer Chris insists he doesn’t know who to choose yet, which may make for good television but makes for an awkward engagement party when the bride-to-be, her friends and family, his friends and family, and all of America know it was pretty much a coin flip just days before he popped the question. (Oh, by the way, he will be popping the question tonight, in case you missed it in all the promos and tabloids.) The best we can hope for is that he’s lying for the sake of the camera.
Whitney is first to meet the Farming Family, and tonight her hair is every bit as cartoonish as her voice. Whitney sells Whitney really hard and gives a toast that brings all the Soules to tears and all the audience to barf. Oh my gosh, she just wants to be part of this family so dang much, and to be wife, and to be a mom, and to be a daughter-in-law, and if she has to fall in love with Chris to get all that, then by golly, she’s fall in love with Chris right there on the spot—poof, done! She’s in love, doggoneit, with all her heart!
The Soule sisters are sold, but last time they had their way, they set Chris up with a porn princess.
Whitney leaves—and the Soule sisters miss her already. Chris, on the other hand, seems to have already forgotten she was there. He wants to talk about how much he’s infatuated with Becca. Well, “talk” is a strong word. He can’t articulate his feelings, if you can believe that—and if you’ve seen the show, then yes, you can believe it. But articulate or not, he clearly has feelings and they’re preventing him from going all in with Whitney.
Tired of dealing with stupid chicks who only want to talk about relationships and feelings and junk, Chris abandons the sisters to go hang with the farm dudes instead, shooting the shit with a backdrop of wrenches and card tables, like ya do. They immediately start talking about relationships and feelings and junk, like they’re girls or something. Chris shuts down any relationship talk until everyone gets a chance to meet Becca, so the producers shut down the scene and move on.
It’s Becca’s turn with the family. She wastes no time telling them that she’s not going to give up her life and commit to running away with a virtual stranger, but if they should wind up falling deeply in love, she would be happy to move to Arlington. That’s… reasonable. BURN HER! BURN HER AT THE STAKE!
Reasonable and romance don’t keep company in the Soule household. Momma Soule insists what Becca is feeling IS love. Somehow, Becca isn’t convinced and (stupidly) continues to say so. Honesty and romance don’t keep company here, either.
Pappa Soules give the best breakdown, saying, “Chris likes Becca, but Whitney is the sure thing.” What’s it gonna be, Chris—the girl you want or the one who wants you? Will you settle for the bird in the hand, or go for the two in the bush? Do you dare to eat a peach? Shit is getting real, and it’s almost time to choose. Pappa seems to think his son is ready to take the risk.
Momma Soule all but tells Becca that Chris wants her over Whitney. She says the choice isn’t in Chris’s hands, but in Becca’s. The message is clear: tell Chris you’re in 100%, and he’ll tell you the same.
But there’s a huge generation gap in the Soule family. While the parents want Chris to follow his heart, the Soule sisters don’t have time for Becca’s bullshit. If Becca wants to build a strong and healthy relationship before putting all her eggs in the Chris basket, then she’s a coldhearted, man-hating bitch just not that into you. They remind Chris that Whitney’s eggs are 100% in his basket and ready for fertilizing. She’s made that abundantly clear.
Chris corners Becca and demands to know WHY DON’T YOU LOVE ME?!? All the TV cameras, the pressure to “win” the show, and coaching by Momma Soules aren’t enough to make Becca bend the truth. She falling in love, but she’s not in love yet. She wants this relationship to go the distance—marriage, kids, all of it—but there’s still a ways to go yet.
Becca the Boring… I never thought I’d be on your team.
Farmer Chris says he wants Becca in his life. In the interview booth, he’s bawling like a baby.
But Whitney still gets one more date to make her case. They’re out picking corn, and even in Iowa, I’m sure this is the stupidest, lamest idea for a date ever. Montage it up all you want, ABC—fuck you, it still sucks, and no amount of lanterns will fix that.
Whitney loves Chris, loves Chris’s family, loves picking corn, loves being domestic, loves the idea of raising babies in the middle of 800 acres of boredom. Chris…isn’t all there, and he’s trying to convey that as politely as possible without being a douche. Whitney is oblivious, or at least isn’t going to acknowledge Chris’s skepticism in her sales pitch. ALWAYS. BE. CLOSING.
So both women seem convinced they are the love of his life. Now it’s time to shuck the corn and let the cobs fall as they may. (Fine, you come up with a better corn analogy.)
The final rose ceremony takes place in a barn…which pretty much tears the veil off the fact that this whole show is nothing but elaborate animal husbandry. Who’s the prize pig and who’s headed for the slaughterhouse?
Becca arrives first—a bad sign. Chris tells her that since she’s not ready to make the leap, she can go take a leap. He’s proposing to someone tonight, and he’d rather ask the person he knows is going to say yes. Becca fails to react. When she’s safely packed away into her limo, Chris has himself a good cry.
Whitney arrives, and Chris drops to one knee. “Squeek-eicky-eicky-squeeeeeeee!” she says, which is dolphin for yes.
Hooray for settling for the sure thing. I give it five months tops.
But there’s one more big surprise announcement—Kaitlyn the Awesome will indeed be coming back next season as the Bachelorette, just as we predicted. But so will Britt the Unwashed Hugger! For the first time, there will be two Bachelorettes competing for attention of the 25 gentleman callers who are competing for them.
Here’s hoping they pick each other.