May 29, 2015
The Bachelor: Family Values & The Truth Laid Bare
The surviving contestants take Farmer Chris home to meet their parents, pretty much all of whom hate their daughters and want to sabotage the relationship. Who says reality TV isn’t just like real life?
After last week and the Britt meltdown, all the girls are psyched for her to leave. Britt tells the girls she is going to tell Chris that she’s voluntarily packing her bags. Nobody’s believing this. Also, Jade says she’s going to confess to her porn background. The last cocktail party promises to be eventful—even before Farmer Chris comes in and says he is falling in love!
Britt says she needs to talk to Chris and apologizes for her outburst. Yeah, there’s no talk of voluntarily jumping ship. All of the girls are furious, and Chris’s face looks like he’s having none of it. She keeps cutting Chris off, saying anything she can think of to save her skin, but come on, Britt, you’ve had your 15 minutes. Chris tells her she is not what he wants in a wife. Yeah, bye-bye, Britt. Maybe now you can take a shower since you don’t have to sleep in six inches of makeup. Britt fake-cries outside the house for a little, making the most of her last few seconds of camera time, but then it’s over.
The rose ceremony begins in the first rose goes to Cartoon-Voiced Babymaker Whitney. The next goes to Boring Becca the Virgin. HNTP Fave Kaitlyn is safe as well. And the final rose of the evening goes to… Playboy Bunny/Bed-Tester Jade. Cruise Ship Carly has sung her swansong; it’s time for her to sail away into the sunset.
And onto the festivities! Tonight, Chris is going to meet all the women’s families!
First up is Becca.
Becca may not talk much, but Chris seems to believe there’s an openness and authenticity between them. He’s comfortable around her. I guess not having to contend with the other person having their own personality can be a plus.
According to Becca’s sister, she’s a COLD FISH not intimate. Her southern sedated mother says pretty much the same thing: “We’ve never seen Becca with a guy.” Way to talk her up, people. You know you’re on her side, right? Or maybe they’ve been watching the show and are totally on Team Kaitin, too.
The date, like all of their dates, is spectacularly boring to outside observers like us, but totally “amazing” to happy couple. They head to the Louisiana State Fair in her hometown of Shreveport. There’s a ferris wheel and lots of cutesy small talk. It’s the “best date ever,” says Becca, whose family has already assured us she has nothing to compare it to. She says she may be falling in love.
Next up, we have fertility nurse Whitney. I still can’t get past the voice, but apparently Chris has eardrums of steel. They head off to Chicago, where Whitney—who tells us she’s already in love—wants to take Chris on a tour of her life. “Let’s go make a baby!” she says, because that’s what she does on a daily basis. First up, she wants to test Chris’s sperm. Here, take this cup, and I hear Jade has a magazine you can use to get things going. No, tee-hee-hee, she’s just kidding.
They meet up with Whitney’s sister, grandmother, and Uncle Johnny, who tell us Whitney is both strong and vulnerable. Since that pretty much covers the spectrum, Chris agrees.
Whitney tells her sister all about her connection with Chris. Whitney is scared, but her loving sister is there to comfort and support her—ha ha, no, she’s a total bitch and says Whitney and Chris do NOT have her blessing. Apparently she’s on Team Kaitlyn, too. Maybe Chris should take the hint.
Chris and Whitney go to her place, where she tell Chris she has a wine that she wants to share with the man she’s gonna marry, and she wants to share with Chris. She says her feelings are real and she has 100% fallen in love with him.
Now it’s time to join Kaitlyn in Phoenix (as if we don’t all know she’s Canadian, faker!).
She goes all 8 Mile on Chris, bringing him to a recording studio to rap, because dis shorty is hardcore, yo. It’s… probably not the best way to make Chris feel comfortable. You’ve gotta wonder if Kaitlyn has already given up on this dweeb and is just auditioning to be the next Bachelorette at this point.
Kaitlyn’s family is warm and welcoming. The mom—for the first time in Bachelor history, I think—asks her daughter how she feels. It’s nice to see that. Kaitlyn acknowledges that she’s a little guarded, but then she flashes a “Kaitlyn (heart) Chris” sign.
Next is Jade, who’s still waiting for the right moment to let the cat out of the bag about showing her synonym-for-cat in Playboy magazine. Everything is awkward, including her family. When Farmer Chris starts going on and on about how much he likes Jade’s “small-town values,” brother Zach tells him she wants to live in L.A. and be a model. She’s a “wild mustang,” the family tells Chris. Basically, they all think she’s a lost cause, destined to become a big ol’ porn star, and there’s nothing Farmer Chris or her poor family can do about it.
The moment has arrived for Jade to expose herself. She’s going to tell Chris the truth about modeling for Playboy. (There’s literally horror music like the Jaws theme playing in the background.) But Jade leans into it—proudly offering to show him the photos. She’s tickled pink, so to speak, and she thinks it went great.
And now the moment of truth. The final rose ceremony…
No fantasy suite for Jade! She’s getting tossed out on her bare ass. Apparently Playboy is even worse than rap music for this farm boy.