Apr 29, 2018
The Bachelor: Didn’t We Boot Your Asses Already?
We’re down to the final two! So naturally they’re the only ones who don’t appear in this week’s “The Women Tell All” extravaganza in which the women… well, you know
Oh hell yeah, it’s time for the women to tell all! No, wait—first, it’s time to watch Farmer Chris and Host Chris “crash” various Bachelor viewing parties! Right, sure, this is not staged whatsoever, no matter how elaborately themed the parties are. I’m sure most fans have costumes and corn-tequila and moms drunk on corn-tequila who force their tongues down the Bachelor’s throat when an entire camera crew suddenly bursts in. Just like I’m sure the dude at that party is totally as straight as he was pretending to be. Okay, staged or not, I have to admit it this is pretty fun to watch. I would freak out if the Bachelor walked in my house right now.
And now, all the discarded ladies return!
There are the Forgettables:
- Nikki the Cheerleader
- Trina the Special Ed Teacher
- Amber the Boring Bartender
- Jordan the Drunk
- Tara the Other Drunk
- Samantha the Silent
The Oh Yeah I Remember Her Now:
- Juelia the Non-Crazy Widow
- Megan the Ditzy Makeup Artist
- McKenzie the Alien-Lovin’ Teen Mom
- Jillian the Barbarian
- Karaoke Cruisin’ Carly
- Crazy Ashley
- KardAshley the “Virgin”
- Kelsey the Psycho Widow
And the True Contenders:
- Jade the Bed-Testin’ Playmate
- Britt the Dirty Hugger
- Kaitlyn the How Could You Not Pick Her Chris You Moron But At Least She’s Sure To Be The Next Bachelorette
There’s no reason to build up to an emotional crescendo—not when we can jump straight to the tears. Let the prettiest crier come forward! Ah, yes, Britt… So lovely to see you again. She’s really playing the victim here. “Why, oh why, weren’t you my friend when I was trying so hard to pretend to be your friend?” she demands of Carly. The flawless makeup under her cascade of tears is truly something to behold. Does she shellac her face? Is that why she doesn’t need to shower? As desperately as Britt is trying to drum up sympathy, it’s not working; she sounds like a full-on second grader confronting someone who didn’t want to hold her hand in line for the bus.
Don’t worry, Britt—Jillian the Barbarian is happy to hold your hand. She thinks Carly is the villain here, tearing down “pure-hearted” Britt because she’s so “insecure.” Aw, Britt may not have found a husband, but at least she’s got a new gal pal. Or at least a Facebook Friend. Set to ignore.
Britt blames Carly for ruining her shot at reality show victory love by calling her a liar-liar pants on fire in front of Farmer Chris. At last the Bachelor speaks up. He says Carly’s warning had nothing to do with why he would have asked her to leave the show had she not recused herself. “My decision was based on our journey together and our relationship,” he explains. You go, Chris!
Psycho Killer Kelsey’s turn! Hooray! This bitch is crazy. We revisit some of Kelsey’s scariest moments, and then she tries to play the victim card as well. She feels “betrayed” by the other women and how they treated her in the house. Having lost her husband recently, watching the show over the past few weeks makes her feel like she’s “grieving all over again.”
“It just kind of brought me back to the shock and the despair,” she says as the other women rolled their eyes. Then Tara totally call her out on the “my story is amazing” thing. Wait, who? Tara? The drunk one from the opening episode? Wasn’t she booted off weeks before that happened?
Kelsey defends her use of the word amazing by using the word amazing seven hundred more times. It’s not helping her look less crazy, but at least she gets to clarify that what’s “amazing” is the opportunity she had to love her husband, even if briefly, and not being a creepy, intense widow.
Then Kelsey gets a turn to call out one of the other women, blasting KardAshley for implying she’s a “black widow.” What a despicable, horrible, contemptuous, shameful accusation that we here at Happy Nice Time People would never, ever approve of, except for all of the times we said it, too. Sorry, Kelsey! Please don’t kill us in our sleep! We’d never dream of comparing you to serial killer H.H. Holmes, who believed his own lies even after his guilt was proven beyond all doubt!
Now it’s the moment we’ve all been waiting for… Crazy Ashley! She looks totally lucid, and she tries to shrug off her odd behavior as awkward mugging for the camera. “I think with the camera around it’s really hard for me to not be silly,” she says. “So while all of them were getting upset and crying, I was outside picking pomegranates.” That you thought were onions. And wanted to hack into like people. It’s a valiant effort, but no one’s fooled for a moment. Bitch be cray-cray. And that’s exactly why Host Chris wraps up the interview by inviting her to appear on the spin-off series Bachelor in Paradise. The crowd goes nuts, chanting “Do it! Do it!” What’s her beautifully bonkers answer? “It’s so weird…” she says, “just that we’re on TV.” TEAM CRAZY ASHLEY 4EVA!!!
Alas, poor Jade. So hot, yet so dull. The only interesting thing about you—your porny past—is the one thing you don’t talk about. If only you’d come clean sooner, Farmer Chris might have felt like he’d gotten to know the real you.
Jade’s come here tonight seeking closure. “You said that the person that you knew and the person my family described were two different people, and that was ‘disturbing,’” she tells Farmer Chris. “And I just want to know what you mean by that.”
Chris corrects himself: “I think more ‘caught off-guard’ was a better way to put it.” He also apologizes for saying that looking at the photos was “awkward,” although it’s not clear why he’s apologizing since he immediately doubles down, saying, “That’s truly how it initially felt.” Thanks, Jade—now we know who to count on to make nekkid pics an awkward bore!
Lastly, Awesome Kaitlyn takes to the hot seat with Host Chris. Like every human in the Bachelor-watching world, she wants an explanation for being dismissed right after hot monkey sex both saying they’re falling in love.
Kaitlyn asks why Chris made her stand through a rose ceremony in the last episode if he knew he was going to send her home. “Because you’re looking for love on a fucking game show and those are the rules,” he doesn’t say. Instead he says, “Going to that rose ceremony I was still wavering on what my decisions were going to be, and I apologize. I could have handled it differently, and in hindsight that would’ve been the right thing to do. I made mistakes, don’t get me wrong, and that may be one of them. But in that moment, I did the best I could and that’s all I know.” Ever the wordsmith. Maybe it sounded better when he said it to the cows.
But we get the gist, and we believe you, Chris. Next week is the big finale, but without Kaitlyn, who really cares.
Yeah, okay, I do.