Awesome Pick-Up Artist Moves From An Actual Hot Human Woman (Video)
Now if you know anything about the nature of this site (pop-culturey, feministy little sister to Wonkette) you may expect me to troll pickup artists (PUAs) in this post. But! That is not what I am going to do! Instead, I shall offer my own take on pickup artistry. I really think I could teach a kickass PUA class and help my gentleman students score with excellent babes. But I am busy with work and stuff, so I do not have the time (I am teaching writing classes, though! Online! Take them! Okay, plug over.)
Here, then, are some hot tips for picking up hot babes like me. They are assembled from my lifetime of observing dudes pick up chicks, being picked up, and also from picking up a few chicks myself, although I mostly pick up dudes!
Make eye contact
This one is very important. Look into her eyes. Don’t be a close talker or anything annoying like that. Just make eye contact when you talk to her. Don’t look at her boobs when you speak with her. Speaking as someone with great boobs, I can tell you I got bored a long time ago with guys staring at my boobs during a conversation. Eye contact, however – now that’s something unusual and sexy. Look into the windows of her very soul. Don’t forget to blink on occasion, lest people suspect you of being an alien.
Do not neg her. I’ve been negged several times and never fucked any of the losers who tried it. We know what negging is. We do not like negging. Negging is dumb and it’s an obvious, well-publicized PUA move. You know what’s not a well-known PUA move? Being fucking nice. Don’t be a pushover; don’t let people take advantage of you; don’t be weak. Be nice.
For more on being nice, listen to Patrick Swayze’s Dalton in this wonderful scene from the greatest Swayze film of all time.
Ask how her day was and genuinely give a shit about the response
Ask how her day was, then comment on what she says. Listen to what she says next. Say something else. Congratulations! You’re having a conversation with a PWPBNAHAV (Person Who Probably But Not Always Has A Vagina). If you’re bored, why the fuck are you wasting your time and hers talking to her? Politely move on and find someone who actually intrigues you. If no woman intrigues you, you’re probably a latent homosexual with misogyny issues or a severe narcissist. In both cases, you should be going to a therapist rather than reading this article. Alternate option: fuck off.
Compliment what she does, not how she looks
I’m not telling you to ignore her beauty. Of course women love to hear that we have great eyes, great hair, blah blah blah. What I’m telling you is that complimenting her work ethic, her parking technique, her shot-guzzling prowess or the way she talks to people — that shit’s gonna get you a lot farther. We’re all used to being evaluated based on how we look. We’re not used to being evaluated based on who we are. Make an effort to find out who she is. If you like what you discover, tell her so.
Know when to hold ’em, know when to fold ’em
If she doesn’t want to fuck you, she may not tell you outright. It is generally considered rude to announce such a thing upon first meeting someone at a TGI Friday’s. You’re going to have to use your smarts. She’ll turn away from you, ignore you, look desperately around for a way out of your conversation, make an excuse to go to the bathroom, pretend she has a phone call, etc. If you think you’re getting somewhere and you get nowhere, it’s nobody’s fault (unless you’ve been gross, in which case it is definitely your fault). Perhaps this coupling just wasn’t meant to be. That’s fine. You tried. Move on and don’t be a stupid baby about it. Hold your head high and smile. Remember, your worth is not determined by whether or not you throw it up in some lady. Your worth is determined by whether or not you are a good person. Are you a good person? Consider this before attempting to make the nay-nay with anybody else. If you find yourself lacking in the good person department, go to therapy.
This may blow your mind, but it’s the most important element of my PUA plan. Expect nothing. Not just because she owes you nothing. Not just because your desire alone does not merit a blowjob. Expect nothing because expecting nothing is the best way to get something. Don’t think, “I’m not worth it. I shouldn’t expect anything.” No no no no no. Think, “I’m great with or without a partner tonight/this week/ever. Now, being fully confident in my own awesomeness, I release any tension and resolve to simply enjoy the moment.” Free yourself of expectations. Put your desire out into the universe and then let it go. This is some Yoda shit right here, and I’m telling you it works far better than keeping score in your mind (or on your blog, or whatever). Plus, in truth, there’s no surefire way to get a woman to do anything. You know why? Because a woman is a human being, and human beings have free will. I know, it’s annoying, but that’s how God/random chance made it happen. Take it up with God/random chance if you don’t like it.
I just basically gave you the keys to the kingdom. You’re welcome, fellas. Feel free to try these tips out and let me know how it all works!
Oh, and one more thing: wear deodorant. That’s really imporant, too.