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Author: Julie Kushner

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· by Julie Kushner · Dec 7, 2015

Once Upon a Time: GO TO HELL! (S5 E11 - Midseason Finale Recap)

This week on Once, the Storybrooke gang spend two minutes pondering how to deal with the town’s Massive Asshole Infestation Problem, and decide to roll over and die instead. Then, Emma and Hook engage in some kinky sword foreplay. Finally, everybody gets on a Big Ole Boat to Hell.

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· by Julie Kushner · Nov 30, 2015

Once Upon a Time: Thanks for the Memories! (S5 E10 RECAP)

This week on Once, everybody got to reminisce about that time when Emma turned Hook into a GIANT ASSHOLE, and then made everyone stare into a dreamcatcher, until they forgot that she did it. Also this week, Hook acts like a GIANT ASSHOLE, but at least he looks really hot doing it.]

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· by Julie Kushner · Nov 18, 2015

Once Upon a Time: Much Ado About a Dunce Cap (S5: E9 Recap)

During Once’s second (less important) hour, Storybrooke’s junior varsity team of characters (Merida, Mulan, Red, Arthur and Zelena) compete against one another to see who will be the first to find an ugly hat. Then, someone finds the hat, but decides not to wear it because of “morals and stuff.”

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· by Julie Kushner · Nov 16, 2015

Once Upon a Time: The Night is Full of Dark Ones and Terrors (S5 E8 RECAP)

This week on Once’s first episode, assholes were fruitful and multiplied. Specifically, Asshole Zelena had a baby. Asshole Emma learned the hard way that the quickest way to a man’s heart may not necessarily be injecting him with a heaping helping of asshole. Also, King Arthur remains The Worst.

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· by Julie Kushner · Nov 10, 2015

The Good, The Bad, and The Drunky – HNTP Reviews the Best and Worst Fictional Watering Holes on the Small Screen

Want to enjoy all the benefits of good booze and an awesome night of bar-hopping without the inevitable hangover and humiliation that comes from poor life choices made? HNTP is here to help! We review seven of television's most notorious watering holes and help you to decide whether they are worth your hard-earned happy hour dollars.

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· by Julie Kushner · Nov 9, 2015

Once Upon a Time: Sparkly Assholes Unite! (S5 E7 Recap)

This week on Once, we get to meet sexy Merlin's crazy ex girlfriend, Emma finds a spark in the most PG-13 of places, Zelena makes morons out of the entire cast for the millionth time, Arthur continues to suck royally, and all the Biggest Assholes on the Planet get together and throw a kickass rager in Emma's basement.

· by Julie Kushner · Nov 3, 2015

Netflix is Reviving Gilmore Girls. So, Now You Have To Pretend You Actually Watched It…

Netflix is bringing Gilmore Girls back from the dead to devour your brain and your free time! HNTP is here to catch you up on everything you need to know if you missed the series' original run.

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· by Julie Kushner · Nov 2, 2015

Once Upon a Time: Heroism for Dummies

You know what's hard? Being a hero on a Show About Heroes. Why? Because every time you try to do something heroic, there are always at least ten other people lining up to do it first.

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· by Julie Kushner · Oct 26, 2015

Once Upon a Time: Merlin = Sexiest Tree Ever

This week, Merlin is bringing sexy back, Regina can cry me a river, Henry just wants to rock your body, and Emma tries to take back the night.

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· by Julie Kushner · Oct 19, 2015

Once Upon a Time: The Stepford Doofuses (S5 E4 RECAP)

This week on Once, poorly kept secrets are revealed! King Arthur's wife just might be having an affair! Henry ain't exactly a lady killer! And air pollution has harmful effects on your health!

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· by Julie Kushner · Oct 12, 2015

Once Upon a Time: Tripping on a Magic Mushroom (S5 E3 RECAP)

This week on Once, King Arthur and Prince Charming take a shroom-inspired trip together. Emma’s fast food-flavored seduction of Hook fails miserably. And King Arthur ends up being just as big of a douchebag as we all instantly suspected him of being.

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· by Julie Kushner · Oct 5, 2015

Once Upon a Time: Holding Hands While Doing The Wave and Other Tips to Fight Evil (S5:E2 RECAP)

In this week's Once Upon a Time recap, Robin Hood stands around uselessly until he finally gets stabbed and then lies around dying uselessly. Meanwhile, the sword Excalibur comes to Storybrooke to tempt Emma to up her asshole factor another 10x.

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· by Julie Kushner · Sep 30, 2015

Saved by the Bell’s "1-900 Crushed"... Or How Zach Morris Tried to Get Rich Seducing a 13-Year-Old Girl

Welcome to "Failing the Test of Time," a new regular feature at HNTP where we relive a particularly awful episode of a classic TV show! First up, Saved By the Bell.

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· by Julie Kushner · Sep 28, 2015

Once Upon a Time: Being Evil Makes Your Hair Greasy and Other Stuff I Learned from the Season 5 Premiere

Welcome to Camelot! Season 5 of "Once Upon a Time" takes us to the land of King Arthur and introduces Emma as the new evilest person in the world.

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· by Julie Kushner · Sep 17, 2015

New Nickelodeon channel wants you to time travel back to the ’90s and give your past self a wedgie

Nickelodeon launches a whole new network called The Splat to cash in on your fond memories of being too young to realize how crappy its TV shows were.

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· by Julie Kushner · Sep 1, 2015

THE "WEST" WING: Our Bold Predictions for a Kanye West Presidency

Move over, Donald! There's someone even louder, brasher, and more obnoxious making a play for the White House!

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· by Julie Kushner · Aug 31, 2015

Maybe Hindsight Isn’t Really 20-20 After All . . .

In which the afterthought cancellation of Hindsight makes me question my entire relationship with VH-1.

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· by Julie Kushner · Aug 25, 2015

Flight of the Conchords say: “It’s (Movie) Business Time!” . . . Maybe.

Will Flight of the Conchords soar once again... right into a theater near you? Here's why you should hope the answer is yes!

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· by Julie Kushner · Aug 24, 2015

Oh Mylanta, this was Bad! – A Recap of The Unauthorized Full House Story

Lifetime is at it again... spending almost two weeks and $20 making an original "unauthorized" movie about a family sitcom you care about only if you were born in 1984. Is it so bad it's good? Oh hell no. But that doesn't mean you can't enjoy the recap.

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· by Julie Kushner · Aug 18, 2015

Other Pigs in the Sea? It’s Splitsville for Kermit and Miss Piggy

Kermit and Miss Piggy are helping children everywhere learn that love is a sham that eventually crumbles into dust and leaves you a bitter, miserable shell of a puppet.