Author: Cecil Trachenburg

VIDEO: Suburban Commando (1991)

Cecil looks at Suburban Commando, another cheesy relic of the '90s, starring Hulk Hogan as an alien mercenary who comes to Earth for vacation and rents a room from Christopher Lloyd and Shelley Duvall, and soon they find out that space bounty hunters are after him. If you like Hulk Hogan movies with random appearances by mimes and cantaloupes, this is the movie for you!

VIDEO: The Apple (1980)

It's the bizarre cult classic The Apple, a gay sci-fi biblical musical allegory directed by the future producer of Breakin' 2: Electric Boogaloo. It's the far-flung year of 1994, where society is ruled by a fascist, totalitarian record label called BIM, and the only ones who can liberate humanity are two virginal folk singers from Canada.

VIDEO: Rad (1986)

In what must surely be the greatest film ever about BMX racing, Cru Jones is a young biker who dreams of winning a race at the infamous Helltrack. Along the way, he earns the scorn of his mom Talia Shire, does freestyle bike stunt dancing with Lori Loughlin, and gets to do all the ass-sliding a boy could ever want. 

VIDEO: Harley Davidson and the Marlboro Man (1991)

In the distant future of 1996, a biker named Harley Davidson (Mickey Rourke) and a cowboy named the Marlboro Man (Don Johnson) team up to rob a bank's armored car, but instead end up with a huge stash of a designer drug called "Crystal Dream". Now they're on the run from a corrupt, criminal, murderous bank CEO, also known as "a bank CEO".

VIDEO: The Wicker Man (2006)

Nicolas Cage famously goes apeshit in 2006's The Wicker Man, the godawful remake of the 1973 horror classic. Cage is a cop who travels to Summersisle, an island with a matriarchal society that worships bees. He investigates the disappearance of his ex-girlfriend's daughter, and somehow ends up wearing a bear suit and punching women out.

VIDEO: Leprechaun in Space (1997)

The Leprechaun (Warwick Davis) is on a remote planet trying to woo an alien princess and become king, but a less-than-elite team of space marines arrives to stop him. With plenty of homages to Alien and Aliens, this movie is ridiculously over the top, but what were you expecting from the title?

VIDEO: Priest (2011)

After a centuries-long war between humans and vampires, the Church has assumed total control of humanity, with "priests" that are actually elite vampire slayers. Paul Bettany is a veteran priest living an unassuming life, but when vampires kidnap his niece (Lily Collins), he goes to hunt them down, bringing along Karl Urban, Cam Gigandet, and plenty of cool weapons.

VIDEO: Shark Night 3D (2011)

From the director of Snakes on a Plane, this movie follows a group of college kids (including Sara Paxton and Katharine McPhee, who fortunately spend most of the move in bikinis, but unfortunately never less than that, because this movie is PG-13) as they go on the perfect vacation, only to find out they're being fed to sharks by a group of rednecks intent on making awesome internet videos!