Jul 16, 2020
Armageddon (1998) (part 1 of 13)
The Cast of Caricatures:
Harry Stamper (Bruce Willis). The world’s best deep-core driller (And that’s according to the international Academy of Oil Drilling Arts and Sciences, no doubt). Gets drafted by NASA to drill into and blow up a giant killer asteroid before it wipes out all life on earth.
Dan Truman (Billy Bob Thornton). NASA Administrator in charge of the mission to destroy the giant planet-killing asteroid. Oddly, decides it’s easier to train oil drillers to be astronauts rather than vice-versa.
AJ Frost (Ben “B-Fleck” Affleck). An oil driller who works for Harry while secretly doing it with his daughter Grace. He and his teeth also get recruited by NASA to help blow up the asteroid. Ponders allowing the earth to be destroyed in order to wipe out all copies of Gigli.
Grace Stamper (Liv Tyler). Harry’s daughter and AJ’s girlfriend. No, seriously, while she’s waiting at Mission Control, her ID badge says “Harry’s daughter and AJ’s girlfriend”. Accordingly, spends most of the movie fretting and touching TV images of them.
Rockhound (Steve Buscemi). Another of the driller-astronauts. A really horny guy with a taste for strippers and nonsensical one-liners. Also proof that people in the oil drilling industry do not receive good dental benefits.
Chick Chapel (Will Patton). Another of the driller-astronauts. Harry’s right hand man. Has a restraining order that says he can’t come within fifty feet of his own son. Seriously, what’s not to love about this guy?
Oscar Choice (Owen Wilson). Another of the driller-astronauts. Overwhelmed by the majesty of being in outer space and consequently philosophizing about it all and blah blah blah. Thankfully, the first to die.
J. Otis Curlene Bear (Michael Clarke Duncan). Yet another of the driller-astronauts. Currently getting all the roles that would have gone to Tiny “Zeus” Lister three years ago. Also, I hope you’re curious about his taste in underwear.
Lev Andropov (Peter Stormare). After watching this character, you’ll finally understand why the Russian space program was so willing to send Lance Bass into space. Compared to Lev, Lance is Yuri Freakin’ Gagarin.
The critics rave about Armageddon!
| “The first 150-minute trailer… An assault on the eyes, the ears, the brain, common sense and the human desire to be entertained. No matter what they’re charging to get in, it’s worth more to get out.”
—Roger Ebert, Chicago Sun-Times
“There isn’t a scene in the film that exists on any level except as a hard sell. If this movie-as-trailer thing really catches on, it’s the death of storytelling—not to mention grace, subtlety, coherence, character development, beauty. It’s Armageddon all right.”
“It looks like a TV ad, or 200 of them strung together, with the same kind of gaudy virtuosity, lavish technique and expensive self-mockery tinging every shot.”
“So predictable it could have been written by a chimp who’s watched too much TV, the huge movie is as dumb as it is loud, and it’s way too loud. Watching it is like putting your head in a tin washbucket while weightlifters whack it with golf clubs.”
“How do I hate Armageddon? Let me count the ways.”
“An ejaculatory great time!”
I never thought this day would come. But here it is. I’m finally diving headfirst into the dark, soul-sucking abyss otherwise known as Michael Bay’s Armageddon. And, sick son of a bitch that I am, I’m taking six other innocent people down with me.