Apr 16, 2017
America's Next Top Model Recap: Jourdan Is Probably Going To Murder Everyone
Top Model Limo Ride Home!
Apparently footage of the direct aftermath of the previous week’s panel is a thing now, and good thing, too, because these models are raw and emotional and they hate Jourdan like she was made of banking fees and Creed songs.
Jourdan won last week with three 10s from the judges, so it looks like the only way the others have any hope of prying her off the show is if she displays major bad attitude to the judges. Fortunately for the other models, Jourdan has zero self-awareness. She points out in her interview that she’s the only one who has won thrice this season.
The others can’t believe Jiana got sent home. Phil, who was also on the chopping block, is less sad about his special flirt buddy going home instead of him. The models exposition that the kicked-off model with the best “social media” score – FOR CHRISSAKES, JUST CALL IT A FAN SCORE OR SOMETHING – will be brought back in. So it makes you wonder! Well, it makes them wonder, anyway,
The house is now five dudes to three women, and the guys bask in that glory as they sit in the limo with their knees wide and air out their scrotes just like the manliest men on the subway.
Renee can’t stand it that she came in second, but she interviews that she’s going to work her ass off to give Jourdan some real competition. Whoa! Jourdan invites Renee to join her in the Tyra suite! Is this a gesture of goodwill that will strengthen their bond, or is someone getting her hand put in a pan of warm water?
Renee screams and gives Jourdan a hug, so either their rivalry is mostly played up for the cameras or both women just had to swallow some bile back down.
Jourdan classily interviews that she was glad Renee “finally” had a good picture, even though Jourdan personally didn’t think it was that great and thought it was “pageant.” Ooh, that’s a serious Top Model burn right there. Jourdan and Renee fake smile at each other in the Tyra suite as the editors awesomely intercut footage of them talking about their mutual distaste.
Marvin is glad that he didn’t cry this week. We see a Cry Montage. Renee drops in, and Marvin tries to get her to come up into his bunk. She says she wasn’t born last night, and yet there she is, in his bunk. Marvin tries to work in some covert thigh stroking, which is tough to pretend not to notice when the cameraperson is homing in on it.
A Bright Sunny Place!
Alexis Borges of Next Model Management is here! It’s Style Fashion Week, which Rob Evans says is one of “the most influential parts of L.A. Fashion Week,” which, I regret to inform you, is not a terribly influential thing.
Anyway, the models can maybe get to walk in it! Which is exciting! Because you know you’re dealing with a top fashion event when the designers are cool with booking the models that afternoon. The models are so excited! They’ll go to castings and get scored by how many they book. Prizes!
The designers will first be walking for Paulie Gibson, who is adorable. Nina is also adorable and Paulie Gibson loves her. Other people walk less dynamically. Personal to Miss J Alexander: WE MISS YOU.
Marvin lacklusters it up. Phil offers to take his extensions out and does take his shirt off. Paulie Gibson likes Jourdan, but isn’t wowed by her. Which is OK, because Jourdan is plenty wowed by herself. If there is one thing Jourdan needs, it’s a phone app that sets off an alarm when you have praised yourself for more than two minutes in a row.
Paulie Gibson tries to gently explain to Jourdan that she is more boring than actuarial tables by telling her that her walk is perfect, but, like, too perfect, but what Jourdan hears him say is that she is the awesomest awesome to ever awesome. It must be pleasant inside Jourdan’s head. Jourdan disastrously reports to the other models that her walk was too good.
To put a button on that moment, we see Renee rocking it and Paulie Gibson loving her.
Paulie Gibson gathers the models and announces that he has selected Cory, Nina, Phil, Don, Renee, and Chris. Daaaaaamn.
We cut to Jourdan with her face looking perfectly composed while her hands, of their own accord, grab an iron lamppost and twist it into a pretzel.
Paulie tells Marvin he needs to sell himself more, and then tells Jourdan that she needs to be less flat. The other models feel their blood turn into champagne.
The girls meet Owner/Creative Director Daniela Zeltzer, who gets as far as telling us that XCVI is a true California lifestyle something before my brain just tunes her out. Jourdan says this is what she would wear at home!
Nina’s walk is not confident. Jourdan’s walk is good. In her talking head, Renee says that Jourdan’s walk is good… Still too good. And then she grins from L.A. to Albuquerque. Jourdan notes that Renee “stomped the yard” with her walk and then said that Renee’s walk was “catty”. It’s true: Renee skulked around the side of the room, wiggled her butt for 5 minutes, and then pounced on an invisible bug. Seriously, though: WHITHER MISS J?
Jourdan has the face of expectant entitlement as she waits to hear who got booked… And it’s Renee! That’s two shows for Renee, one for Nina, and a big ol’ goose egg for Jourdan. Jourdan has two pink circles of rage flush on her cheeks. She stands perfectly still, but if you were to walk up behind Jourdan at this moment and tap her on the shoulder, she would whip around and rip your spine straight out of your body.
Aww, poor thing. Jourdan really isn’t cool with this loss. She takes some deep breaths and says she’s having a panic attack. The other girls would probably have more sympathy if Jourdan had been less full of herself and assbaggy during the previous weeks, but alas, Jourdan has not laid that crucial groundwork. Even the ever-sweet Nina giggles at seeing Jourdan felled. Jourdan is worried that she’s going to get sent home. But she wanted to win, you guys. SHE WANTED TO WIN. Wow, Jourdan is bringing out the mean in all of us.
Let’s go see the guys!
The boys are at Civil Society with Creative Director Brad Schwartz. He points out for the first time that Tyra made over Cory and Don with very similar looks. YES. Brad Schwartz speaks truths that the rest of us fear to utter. Watch yourself, Brad Schwartz. Have someone else taste your soup.
Style Fashion Week!
We see Cory and his newfound doppelganger unconsciously move perfectly in sync backstage. Away from the action, Marvin and Jourdan are freaking out with anxiety. There is a completely contrived, viciously cruel shot of Alexis Borges, major agency head, asking Jourdan and Marvin how they did just so we can see them try not to suck their bodies straight into their own navels. Borges interviews that he was at least impressed with Jourdan’s honesty about why she didn’t book. (Does the presence of Alexis Borges make anyone else wish that Jorge Lius Borges was crafting strange and haunting Top Model episodes, full of aching and surreal wonder? Just me? Fine.)
We see some pre-show rushing around. Renee loves walking. Phil is opening the show and is it me, or is he just not that great at walking? None of the boys are, really. Somewhere, Miss J is holding his head and rocking back and forth in agony. Rob Evans does a head-bob imitation of Nina’s walk.
Cory walks in a woolen hat.
Phil tells us that he likes to keep his runway walk focused and sexy. Shut up, Phil. Everyone loves Renee. Don gets modest good reviews. Phil crumples his designer’s jacket and drags it on the floor. Miss J just shot out his television.
Alexis Borges loved Renee. Rob blathers some agreement. Phil gets dinged for jacket work. Don gets mild praise. Renee won it by far. Jourdan catches a sparrow with her extending set of extra alien teeth.
Tyra Mail! Tyra is posing as a snarling boxer.
The Tyra Mail says “Fashion is a reflection of you!” and one of the dudes yells “Fun house! FUN HOUSE!” Excellent guess, dude. Way to nail it.
Wait, what? We’re in…
Renee comes through to the boys’ side and climbs into bed with Marvin. ANTM classily edits in a boing! sound effect to make sure we know that Marvin has a boner, just in case him saying that he has a boner doesn’t make it clear. Marvin mentions that they have “that condom.” What?
Marvin mentions that every girl he liked went home and, wow, that’s quite a montage of women he’s liked on the show. All of them, pretty much, so I’m going to put this down to mathematical inevitability rather than the Curse of Marvin’s Heartstrings. Marvin says not to tell Renee. OK.
Renee loses 30 sensibility points for thinking they wouldn’t be checking the night-time camera footage.
Hey, an actual photo shoot!
We’re at the Canyon Ranch! Wow, is Johnny Wujek terrible at the scripted parts. Anyway, the models will be posing horizontally in the grass while being photographed from above. They have sort of Twee Fashion Wonderland looks on, including fake hair for the boys.
Nina was born to pose dreamily in the grass, or at least she is once she figures out the overhead camera. Don is not comfortable with the lying there. Cory is surrounded by books and looks amazing. Jourdan asks if those are real books. Renee responds with appropriate sarcasm to the dumb question, so Jourdan goes off to hunt a frog for revenge for, in Jourdan’s words, “treating her like crap.” Jourdan has a low crap threshold.
Renee sees the frog hunt, figures out what’s up and says, “I will punch you in your little blonde-ass head.” Hee. Jourdan brings over the frog, which leaps out of her hands because Jourdan has irritated it too. It leaps straight onto Renee, who freaks and “playfully” shoves Jourdan. Jourdan says it was “payback.” Dude, learn to take a little ribbing. Or at least do your revenge pranks when the victim isn’t wearing an elaborate gown.
Now the models discuss Phil’s feminine eyes. Whoa, sweet Nina has had it with Phil. She points out that he’s been in the bottom two more than once. She thinks you should be the best to stay in, not just keep sliding by. That said, someone has found a sturdy crowbar with which to pry Phil’s stupid little woolen hat off his head, so let’s all take a moment to rejoice.
Phil has to pose with a clock on his knee. What? Johnny Wujek tells Phil to invite him with his eyes, then complains that Phil was just dead.
Renee is here to bring it. Jourdan says that Renee is getting cocky and turning into a diva, and it’s really really really really annoying. The angels are too astonished to strike Renee with lightning. Renee does great.
Jourdan gets asked about her challenge loss again, and complains that her walk was too good. Oh, someone take the poor thing aside and explain. Jourdan is here to bring it also. She also tells us that she is “really a crazy, wild girl.” (Psst. Jourdan. Crazy, wild girls never say that. Not even fake crazy, wild girls say that. Fake crazy, wild girls talk tough while pausing often so you can see the beautiful poetic fragility in their eyes. And actual crazy, wild girls just laugh their asses off while heading for the state line in the car that you absolutely should not have loaned them.)
Johnny Wujek tells Jourdan to focus on being magical and whimsical, which, much like being crazy and wild, Jourdan thinks inside her head that she has nailed.
Chris is in a chainmail shirt, lying in the grass with some windows that will be turned into mirrors. Fine.
Back at the model house!
Marvin wonders how crazy it would be if all the girls got eliminated. Renee takes umbrage. She says it’s a woman-dominated industry. Marvin says the men are dominant here. Apparently Marvin read one of the books in the grass, and it was How Not To Get Laid.
Phil, back in his stupid hat, loudly makes a point about nothing. It’s clear now: The hat is the source of his powers. Phil yells that women dominate in the outside modeling world, but not this competition. This is a stupid, stupid argument. It’s like watching puppies fight over which one made the vaccum happen.
Chris, ever the charmer, yells that Renee is lucky she won a challenge because she doesn’t photograph well. Renee’s mouth turns into one straight line. The guys say we’ll see who gets picture at the panel tomorrow, and if it’s a guy, she can’t talk. Marvin hugs Phil like he made a really awesome, hilarious point. Marvin, by the way, is wearing no shirt and a tiny fedora. Are trendy hats the source of all douchiness?
Three pictures of Tyra lead us in. Fine. Hello, judges. Oh, Jesus H. Christ on a fixie, Phil is wearing a shirt with cutout shoulders. And a fucking woolen hat. Shut up, Phil’s outfit.
Nina, wearing a headband with kitty ears, walks up to see if her photo is light and whimsical enough. She looks gorgeous. Way to go, Nina! The ever-useless Bryanboy finally steps up with a piece of information we actually want to hear and informs us that Nina beat Jourdan’s social media score. Jourdan tears off Phil’s tender, exposed shoulders. 9-10-9!
Don doesn’t look comfortable and keeps making the same face. Tyra gives him a frowning workshop. 7-8-7.
Renee gets props for winning the challenge. Rob loves it her photo; Kelly does not. Tyra likes the pained look on her face. 7-9-10.
Jourdan has to be shamed again for not booking at Fashion Week and, oh, no, walks right into it and tells Kelly Cutrone that her walk was too good, to the open sniggering of the other models. SOMEONE EXPLAIN IT TO HER. Jourdan then works her way around to being too bland. She’s crying, and rightly so, because “personality” is the thing that Tyra and the producers use to get rid of boring front-runners who won’t get knocked out from their pictures.
Thank Shesus, they finally explain it. Tyra, speaking slowly, says that “too good” means cookie-cutter and not current, and Kelly elaborates that it’s a nice way of saying that they don’t want you in the show. Oh, poor Jourdan. Her face is so blank, it’s clear that they’ve completely popped her cork.
That said, Rob and Kelly love her picture. Tyra does not. Tyra says it looks like “mature woman” modeling. Um, Tyra? 9-6-9.
Cory looks great! Give the man some camera time! 8-8-9.
Holy frankness – Rob tells Phil he’s turning into an ugly woman. It’s those feminine, soft eyes. 7-5-6.
The judges flip over Chris’s picture. Tyra calls it “Oh. My. [Blurred-out “fucking”] God.” The editors scramble to remove all evidence of the Chris-is-a-dick storyline. 10-10-9.
Tyra tells Marvin to smile less on go-sees. They say he looks like a baby in his photo. Kelly compares him to Howdy Doody, as though Marvin is the one who gave himself bright red hair. Bryanboy is still useless. 8-8-6.
Let’s add up the scores!
Tyra reminds us that the “social media” scores are “very important.” I hereby dub them the Fetch scores.
Chris! Oh, get ready for some poor-impulse-control drama in the house next week, y’all.
Renee is next. Jourdan breaks a cinderblock with her forehead.
It’s down to Marvin and Phil! (Phil is in the bottom two again! ) Tyra scolds him for having personality, but not bringing it to the photos. Marvin is a beautiful man, but in person is a beautiful boy. What?
The numbers pointlessly flip, and…
This Week’s Obsolete Model:
Phil is finally going home. WHERE IS YOUR HAT OF POWER NOW, PHIL?! Oh, it’s right on his damn head, as always.
Phil, of course, can still bring it back with an amazing Fetch score. But which model has the Fetch score powerful enough to come back from the Holding House of Fallen Models?
WE FIND OUT RIGHT NOW!
Phil cry-laughs from the stress while the other eliminees troop back in. Oh, good lord, they have helpfully summed up each of the fallen with a title.
Chlea – The Fiercely Real Bombshell (Psst! Tyra! That’s not getting less condescending!)
Kanani – The Fierce Single Mom (Looks like someone forgot to replenish the adjective bucket.)
Alexandra – The Bubbly Fighter. (What?)
Mike – The Sexy Ice Cream Man (You might think that is a metaphor, but no.)
Jeremy – The Bodylicious Virgin (Adjective bucket!)
Jiana – The Flirty Sexpot (Oh, to hell with you, producers, she flirted with one guy.)
OK, so who nailed the Fetch Score?!
Who will board an airplane?!?!
Who will go to Bali?!?!?!?!?!?!?!
This Week’s Reinstated Model:
Alexandra! She cries with joy; Phil cries with sadness and stress; the others turn red or cry or whatever.
But Tyra is not done screwing with their heads! Alexandra is the girl who gets reinstated. Who is the boy who will get reinstated?! (Would you be pissed about this if you were one of the non-eliminated models? I would be pissed. Also Phil is standing right next to Jiana and has been yanked around like five times in the last three minutes. He’s about to have an aneurism.)
This Week’s Other Reinstated Model:
Oh, screw you, Tyra; we find out next week.
We find out! Zendaya is here! And Chris is pissed about the house being dirty.
See you then!