American Horror Story: Coven Recap -- The One With Stevie Nicks
Since the first time Goddamn American Heroes Angela Bassett and Jessica Lange shared a soundstage, we’ve all been longing for the two to unite in a cyclonic fury of witchery that leaves everyone around them utterly destroyed. Haven’t we? Of course we have. And this episode of American Horror Story: Coven gives us everything we wanted and more.
Bassett as Marie Laveau reminds us where we left off before our long holiday break: she has fled to Miss Robicheaux’s School for Pissy Bitches following the bloodbath at her salon, perpetrated by the witchhunter (and Cordelia’s no-good husband) she herself had hired. “I’m ashamed to show you my weakness,” she says, stone-faced. Lange as Fiona empathizes. “I might have shed a tear myself if I lost everyone…” Whut? Why isn’t Fiona being casually racist and shitty?
Nah man, Laveau is over 300 years old, it ain’t that she lost her loved ones. She’s used to that. “I taught myself long ago not to waste tears for the dead. It’s your kindness that has touched my soul. … It’s a relief to have found an equal, even if that person come in the guise of an enemy. We have so much to talk about.” Yes! Talk! Let’s do an hour of Fiona and Marie Laveau just shooting the shit. Bottle Episode! Please?
Is that an evil look on Laveau’s face after she claims she just wants to have some Girl Time? I can’t tell if it’s an evil look. Angela Bassett, are you being evil? No she is not, because here comes her evil voodoo ghost master, who wants her to do evil and she does not want to.
Laveau says something to her evil voodoo ghost master and it sounds like “You drank my toilet-made wine”? Is that what she said? Is it a curse? I don’t like Laveau’s evil vooodoo ghost master. Well, Laveau’s evil voodoo ghost master says it is time for her to pay her price, and if it is time for her to pay the price, it is time to kill a baby we guess. Oh we will wait a few more minutes to kill the baby; gotta do a crazy white-eyed-snake ululation and make all the cops at the hospital shoot each other first. As you do.
The baby she has just stolen, to murder, is not happy about the cops shooting each other. Laveau will give her something to cry about.
Laveau nonchalantly explains to Fiona and Cordy that she was the one who hired Cordy’s husband, witchhunter, to kill them. Cordy is mad, and Fiona perturbed, and Laveau is all like what is the big, you knew we were sworn enemies obvs. No harm no foul, ladies! “Lucky for y’all he was a stone fool.” Fiona comes right at her, punches her down with one blow — nope, that’s her daughter she’s smacked to the ground, for marrying a witchhunter, without even googling him first. Laveau speaks some wisdom as she helps Cordelia from the ground (such a motherly touch): it’s all water under the bridge now, maman! Fiona perhaps does not agree.
Fiona proposes they find the beehive of the witchhunters and decapitate it. I bet they do just that, any takers? Of course there are no takers, this is clearly GONNA GET DONE.
Hello Misty Day, it is always so nice to see you. But oh no, a scene between her and Lange should be exquisite, but instead it feels like another retread: once again Fiona is trying to manipulate someone by saying she’ll be the next Supreme. (That Misty Day seems the hands-on favorite to actually BE the next Supreme makes exactly not one bit of nevermind.)
Ah, and here comes Stevie Nicks. You’ll know everyone; you’ll know the world, and power, and influence, says Fiona. Why, let me pull this old friend — she’s a white witch — right out of this hat! Annnnd we get the worst. reveal. ever. (Also, Stevie’s face looks … meaty. They really should have vaselined the lens for her a bit.)
This sort of embarrassing scene is worth it for Lily Rabe’s glowing alabaster face, and ONLY Lily Rabe’s glowing alabaster face.
Here come the three girls to make me hate this show for 10 minutes, but they do something useful: Emma Roberts as Madison wants to know, if Misty gets her favorite rock star, when Eminem is going to be there. This lobs the fat pitch right down the middle of the plate to designated hitter Fiona about how Madison is not “Marshall’s” type, and also, beeteedubs, not the next Supreme.
Madison is displeased. “That swamp bitch can’t even spell her own name, and now she gets the keys to the kingdom? I came back from the dead!” Zoe: “yeah … Misty brought you back.”
Sweet, Nan can do mind control, as evinced by her telling Madison to stick her cigarette in her vagina, which Madison is about to do before Zoe stops her. Oh show, sometimes you delight us.
Now it is time for Fiona and Marie Laveau to build an awesome mousetrap spell to catch all the witchhunters’ (the Delphi Corp’s) money, because that will make them cry and crawl. Cordy does not get to help because she is tainted and also on her mother’s last nerve. Cordy better watch she doesn’t get melted like Joan of Arc. For now, she’ll just get some Self-Esteem Depreciation courtesy of loving ma.
As the mouse goes through the maze, some G-Men are filling the maze at Delphi. This is just a gorgeous scene, all MC Escher angles and edges. They have built the greatest mousetrap.
Witching is basically Goldieblox.
The boy next door, Luke, is dead, and I still don’t understand why they cured his mom but not him. Well, there’s still time. OR IS THERE? Sure, why not. SURE? OH, ARE YOU?
Laveau tells Fiona the story of how she became immortal, and all she had to do was hand over to Papa her baby, and another baby once a year, for eatin’. Fiona’s all like, cool sign me up, oh, Cordy, can you come help me with a thing?
Here comes a New Orleans funeral. There is a scene with Misty and Madison, and it is boring. Emma Roberts, how dare you make even Misty Day boring. Off with your head.
Madison raises a man from the dead to prove she’s awesome and the next Supreme. They argue about Stevie Nicks, because this scene is dumb. Hahaha, Madison hits Misty with a brick and knocks her into a coffin, and now she will be buried alive, that was great.
The girls have an awesome plan to find out where Luke’s body is so they can ask Misty Day to help bring him back, not knowing she has just been Attempted Murdered by their compatriot Madison. Whoops Luke has been cremated. But they could make like a little Pillsbury Dough Luke out of his ashes and some lard maybe? They could do that.
Nan’s gonna mindcontrol Patti Lupone into cleansing herself with bleach, so Nan was lying before when she said she would only use her powers for good (oh, right, she said that before; we figured it wasn’t important, or at least wouldn’t be important so very quickly; a little on the nose, Show).
Myrtle is playing the theremin, and it is annoying the fuck out of Cordelia, who needs to focus because she hasn’t really been in this episode, and also she is sort of a mealy character (hey, anybody wanna bet that she totally is Powerful and Comes Through in the Clutch fighting the Delphi Corp? Because she is Underestimated? Oh, you won’t take that bet? Weird.)
Cordy: I have no powers and am no use to the coven. Who am I?
Myrtle tells her she should bottle her salad dressing. Wouldn’t that be of help to everyone? Be a hostess on a cruise ship maybe? Man, Myrtle’s Blithe Truth-Telling is not the warm maternal touch Cordelia is used to from her! Cordelia goes smashy-smashy, which reminds me: Where’s FrankenKyle lately?
Fiona chops some fat lines. You get the feeling Jessica Lange has probably seen this done a time or two. They are a party favor for Papa (the evil voodoo ghost master), and that is pretty racist that the black voodoo ghost master has a coke problem.
Fiona sells her soul to Papa, and he doesn’t even bother lying what she’ll have to do for it. He’s like “You will kill innocent people you love,” and she is like, “Yup.” But whoops, she cannot sell what she does not have.
Nan hears the sacrificial baby crying, setting in motion a scene where she challenges Laveau and Fiona about how she won’t let them kill the baby, and they determine that they need an “innocent soul” so they drown Nan in the bathtub. Just another day at Miss Robicheaux’s School For Young Ladies Who Get Killed So Much. But she does not have an innocent soul, she just killed Patti Lupone. And she just told them that. Their short-term memory must be shot to shit. Only Jessica Lange (or Angela Bassett) could so perfectly deliver “She is innocent! Mostly. She killed the neighbor but the bitch had it coming. Aw come on, Papa, huh?” And Laveau with the eyelash-batting tag-team: “Be a sport.”
Papa’s no match for their feminine wiles, he’s all like, “okay.” Papa takes Nan away to eternal treats on the other side. Fiona has a drink with Stevie Nicks, who is playing piano again so she doesn’t have to act. “Perfect ending to a long day.”