Sorry Jessica Lange But Angela Bassett Just Became The Most Beautiful Woman In The World In American Horror Story: Coven

and your little dog too

American Horror Story is fucked up. We wondered before Season Two how they would possibly top all the ghosts murdering every member of Connie Britton’s family, and then American Horror Story was all, “oh really? Watch THIS” and then there were Nazi experiments and evil nuns and some dude who just wanted you to put the lotion in the basket so’s he could wear your face and alien rape.

So, whatcha gonna come up with this time, Ryan Murphy and Brad Falchuk?

Aaaand before the opening credits we get a Damien Hirst-style cow mutilation, a man with a mouth sewed closed around shit (but why doesn’t he swallow it? and how do they get more in?), Kathy Bates smearing herself with stale blood (oh the humanity of not getting fresh pancreatic poultice!), a busted up chiffarobe, and a man with his face flayed off. Oh, and they are all slaves, black men chained up mostly naked to be tortured in new and exciting ways! So … Murphy and Falchuk are going for sensitive, I see!

So we have left the New Orleans mansion of Kathy Bates’s Antebellum House of Racist Funtimes, and we are in today. A girl (Taissa Farmiga) is gonna get boned by her cute boyfriend, but oh no, her vagina sucks his brains out through his nose!

She is sad. :(

Her mom comes home and is like, whoops, you’re a witch, and your great grandmother had the same, um, gift (for killing men with her vagina, we think, not for just plain being a witch). But how’d her great grandmother get pregnant if her milkshake brings all the boys to the graveyard? STOP ASKING STUPID QUESTIONS is how!

And all of a sudden we get a ridiculous scene as three dumb-looking and not at all threatening dweebs in matching Oakley-style stupid sunglasses burst through the door to take Taissa Farmiga to Sarah Paulson’s Boarding School for Chicks What Are Witches. Luckily, Frances Conroy comes to save the day (and the scene) in ridiculous lipstick and blush and witch hair. Taissa’s mother: “Can’t I at least see her off?” (or something). Frances Conroy, fingering some ugly curtains: “I’m just mad about tartan!”

And then we see what happens to witches who can’t read good and want to learn to do other stuff too who don’t remember to not let society see them doing things like raising the dead, as we get a flashback to “just three months ago” when Misty Day, surrounded by her snakehandling brethren, accidentally brings a bird back to life. Within moments, she’s been tied to a stake, and the flames rise to her Roman nose and her hearing aid starts to melt.

and now she knows how joan of arc felt

And here is where we had a moment of “shit, how racist are we?” Because a girl burning up (even with terrible CGI flames) hit us more viscerally than the black dudes being Mengele-styley tortured — did we identify more with, and care more about, the young white girl than the black men?

We were worried, until a few scenes later, when we had absolutely no identification/empathy with the other young white girls in the cast. And that’s when we let us off the hook because THERE AREN’T ACTUALLY THAT MANY HOSTEL/SAW TORTURE DUNGEONS IN REAL LIFE OUTSIDE OF GERMANY, whereas people (and women) are burned up. All. the. time. So we are going with that is why it freaked us out more. But it’s possible we are in denial.

And here comes a stiletto getting out of a car, and it is Miss Jessica Lange, and every single soul watching does an orgasm a little in its pants. After her evil nun who then was saved, it is good to see her back in fuck-me form.

So Jessica Lange is trying to get some Fountain of Youth from some science guy she has been funding with her late husband’s trillions, and she lights up in his office, and he tells her she can’t smoke. And every single one of you was waiting for “What are you going to do, arrest me for smoking?” But she just looks at him, v. Jessica Lange, and then you orgasm in your pants quite a lot more!

Soon she is at her billionaire’s hotel room, and the young man is there and he has acceded to her blackmail request for some Fountain of Youth Science Potion, even though it has not even been FDA approved! But it is not working fast enough, so Lange kisses him until he gets old and dies, and she is young again. They keep her neck in shadow or behind her hands as we see her newly youthful face. You can’t fake necks.

Here is the next note we have: “hahaha Prize Tuna.” We are guessing one of the frat boys says it, because now there are frat boys in this show.

professor xavier's house for witches
Now Jessica Lange, who is named Fiona, comes to her daughter/witch school headmistress Sarah Paulson (Cordelia) and they have a Magneto/Professor Xavier conversation about whether witches should hide and cower, or whether they should fight humanity and take over the world. (Fiona is Magneto; Cordelia is boring old Professor Xavier.) But first Cordelia tries to put her in a coma with a potion, er, “restorative,” because mothers, always needing to get murdered because of how they are trying to enslave humanity, amirite???

And here is where we felt less bad for being racist even though everyone’s a little bit racist: Of the young witches at Cordelia’s House for X Men, the only ones we give a flying fuck about are Gabourey Sidibe (of Precious) and Jamie Brewer, the actress with Down syndrome who played Lange’s daughter in season one. The two blonde girls — Taissa Farmiga, sister of Vera, and Emma Roberts, daughter of Eric/niece of Julia — are just really … awkward? Like, forced bad line readings and simplistic “good girl/mean girl” characters? Or maybe that’s just all the exposition they’re forced to recite. Regardless of whether or not it’s their fault, we find them absolutely the least interesting thing about this show so far, probably even if they were being burned at the stake.

Now Emma Roberts (playing “Hollywood actress” “Madison Montgomery”) is getting dosed and gangraped at a frat party, and out come these idiots’ Steubenville cameras, and Taissa Farmiga’s boyfriend from season one comes to save the day. Will he be killed for a coconspirator? The boys, having thrown their bus driver off the bus, are attempting to flee the scene of the crime.

“First thing, delete the videos from your phones,” says the one dude who raped her the most. That is weird, right? Kids these days, always posting to social media about their awesome rapes!

Then Morgan Le Fay Madison Montgomery comes out of her Roofie haze and firestarters the bus into the air. Are the boys dead? They are probably dead.

Fiona comes and Magnetos the girls onto a field trip, after getting some lip from Madison and hurling her like a cannon into a wall 30 feet away, all like BITCH PLEASE. Oh good, they are going to Kathy Bates’s torture mansion, for nefarious anti-humanity reasons no doubt.

And now we are back with Kathy Bates in the 18whatevers, and holy shit sorry Jessica Lange but Angela Bassett is the new most beautiful woman in the world. She is Voodoo Queen Marie Laveau! Oh look, Marie Laveau has murdered Kathy Bates, that is sad (sarcasm, people!), we guess you should not sew a bull’s head onto a man to make your own Minotaur when that man used to be the lover of the Voodoo Queen, until he got a bull’s head sewn onto him. Bad Idea jeans!

Sorry Jessica Lange But Angela Bassett Just Became The Most Beautiful Woman In The World In American Horror Story: Coven

Taissa Farmiga goes to the hospital to see which of the frat boys is still alive, but it is not her boyfriend from Season One, it is the rapiest one. Behind a curtain, we get a Madonna-style silhouette of her handjob of death, as she stiffens the Rape Dude’s member and then squats on it, leaving him in a pile of his own sucked-out brains.

madonna-styley

Oh look here is Kathy Bates, still alive despite being trapped in a coffin underneath her own patio for 200 years. And Fiona, having rescued her from Marie Laveau’s prison, gets the last, perfect Jessica Lange line of the night: “Come on, Mary Todd Lincoln. I’ll buy you a drink.”

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