American Astrology: Horoscopes For True Patriots

American Astrology: Horoscopes For True Patriots

Happy 4th of July! Are you an American? Great! Then I can tell you everything you need to know about yourself, based exclusively on your Sun Sign. If you are not an American, stop reading RIGHT THE FUCK NOW, because this is American Astrology (TM), not Commie Foreign Astrology Shit Crap. Seriously, this is for AMERICANS ONLY. Canada Day is OVER, and other countries don’t get their own days, or they shouldn’t, if you ask me.

It’s simple, really. Just look for your Sun Sign and you’ll find all the important secrets you need in order to lead a happier, better life as an American Person (TM). Consider it my metaphysical 4th of July gift to you.


Capricorn, apple pie is your power food. Every time you consume it, you consume the energy of the apples, which are imbued with good ol’ fashioned American know-how and can-do-ism! Whenever you feel weak or scared or like you might want to consider a non-Amero-centric point of view on world events, I want you to shove some apple pie down your gullet. It’ll fortify you like spinach did Popeye.


American Flag

Aquarius, the American flag is your power pattern. Get yourself an American flag tattoo, stat. Put it on your face for maximum efficacy. Make sure you wear red, white, and blue each and every day. Other colors symbolize weakness or socialism, which are the same thing, as you know. Don’t even mention any other colors. Paint your whole house red, white, and blue.


Pisces, did you know that the eagle was invented in America? This is true, maybe. The eagle is your power bird. It’s your “free bird,” if you will. From now on, if you really want to live your life the way Universe intends for it to be lived, make sure to always carry a fresh eagle carcass with you. One way to do this is to wear a dead baby eagle around your neck. Kids will love it! And more importantly, it’ll ensure you are always protected against the forces of communism and also anything resembling independent thought.


Aries, are you listening to Bob Seger right now? No? Well, what the fuck are you waiting for? Bob Seger is your power balladeer. Have you even HEARD “We’ve Got Tonight” lately? It’ll change your fuckin’ life. You need to listen to a lot of Seger each and every day of your American existence. The Bard of Michigan will energize you, give you life, and remind you of all the best things about our great nation: girls in pickup trucks, beer in pickup trucks, and sweet sweet cocaine in pickup trucks.


Taurus, it’s time to take a trip to your one true spiritual home, your power place, Wal-mart. Enjoy plentiful amounts of hormonally-enhanced gluten products, the flesh of abused cattle and hogs, and of course, SUGAR SUGAR SUGAR SUGAR! Buy some cow mucus full o’ chemicals that will make your daughter experience menarche at the ripe old age of 7! And enjoy any one of a number of consumer products produced by Asian children approximately your daughter’s age, and maybe even younger! Also, there are so many guns to enjoy. Just ask Cancer!



Gemini, the Twin Towers are your power buildings. So what if they ain’t there no more? That don’t mean you can’t use their destruction, and the loss of all the lives on 9/11, to justify your racism/xenophobia/warmongering. This Fourth of July, be sure to say something sanctimonious about all the folks who died, and then maybe something vile about all Muslims everywhere. You’ll feel better, and the world will be much improved for having heard your opinion. Maybe make a blog about it!


Cancer, your power weapon is the gun! What kind of gun? Well, all kinds, really — the kinds you can buy legally in these United States of Amurrrrica, at least for now, until Obummer gets his way and steals ’em all and also makes us all gay! You can go to Wal-mart with Taurus and really get into it, maybe even purchase a My First Rifle for your kiddo! Should anyone question your right — or, hell, your three-year-old’s right! — to own a weapon, you can wave said weapon at them to scare them. You can babble incoherently about Second Amendment rights. Or you can shoot them in the fucking face and say they were scaring you by being black or foreign! All of these things can work, in America, with guns, a great “cancer” on American society (haha, do you see what we did there?)


Leo, your power excuse is Christianity. Christianity is a great power excuse because you can use it to justify literally everything you do in America, and people have to put up with it. You can take away ladies’ rights to do what they want with their underpants place. You can force people to have babies they don’t want and can’t afford! You can even try to justify not giving jobs to super-qualified people who happen to be gays, haha! Just say that a magical sky-god said it is so, even if your sacred Book (really a compendium of sayings and ideas and stories that has been revised and censored and re-censored a bazillion times over the centuries) does not actually say that a magical sky-god said the thing you want to be “true” is “true”!


Achmed the Dead Terrorist

Virgo, your power comedian is Jeff Dunham. He’s got puppets, and who doesn’t love puppets? Also he is racist, hahahahahahah, America is better than everyone else and this justifies racism and also the fact that Jeff Dunham is so fucking rich.


Libra, your power emotion is outrage. Outrage is great! It’s kind of like Christianity (see Leo) in that you can use it to justify every single thing you do or say. And if you feel “outrage,” you can write things or say things or do things motivated entirely by said “outrage.” You can, for example, yell at a lady who is just trying to get her bits examined. Feel free to get offended by literally anything in the world, ever! Then claim you are better than the person who has promulgated the thing that makes you outraged.


Scorpio, your power disease is Type II Diabetes, or “the Type Twosies,” as I prefer to call it. Eat the Standard American Diet, especially if you are a Poor and have no other choice! You will eventually get the Type Twosies, probably, because of sugar and chemicals and death monster food genetically modified and engineered to keep you addicted, not unlike the crack! Refined sugar is Middle American Crack, at least until Middle Americans actually discover crack, in which case crack will be Middle American Crack. But until then, SUGAR SUGAR SUGAR! Also be sedentary and never do anything physical ever, because that is the way Society is set up, to make us sloth-like creatures who do not actually move as often as sloths! Fuck your pancreas, so long as corporate Big Food wins!



Sagittarius, your power state is Florida. Florida is the most American state of them all, because you can experience each and every one of the aforementioned things in Florida all the time (especially if Jeff Dunham is on tour there!) All the dumbest and worst shit happens in Florida, making it the greatest state,, and your state, Sagittarius.

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  • natoslug

    As a Taurus, I have to say that I cannot visit Wal-Mart. Now that they no longer offer the “Arbeit Macht Frei” motivational poster, Wal-Mart is dead to me.

  • TJ Barke

    As an aries I can say that that is certainly good advice, as Bob Seger is awesome.

  • natoslug

    The Taurus power food is deep-fried battered turducken on a stick. Just like mom used to make.

  • Tracer Bullet

    I didn’t know what to serve for the holiday, but now we’re going to have grilled eagle. Thanks, Sara, and god bless the USA!

    • justamakanik

      We deep fry ours in peanut oil, remove and discard the feathers first.

      • Tracer Bullet

        Hmm. Which is more American: Grilling or Deep-frying? You can’t do either on a jet ski and they’re both dangerous to do while drunk. This is a real conundrum.

  • FauxAntocles

    I can see that my efforts to avoid diabetes are futile…Can’t wait to tell my doctor!Thanks Sara!

  • Volt Owner

    Wait, aren’t there 13 signs now? You know, since actual science checked out those traditional sign dates and found that the stars had, you know, moved? (I’m one of those that got bumped into a different sign, and my whole personality changed overnight. Really, it was weird!…)

    • damanoid

      The thirteenth sign is a secret sign that nobody but astrologers should know about. If somebody told you about it and they aren’t an astrologer, you must kill them– but only by using the ancient martial art of astrology, As Fu. Adopt the Dancing Capricorn stance and deflect their attacks with your extra legs! Then strike like the wind with the Dancing Scorpio attack, injecting your powerful venom! Use the Dancing Leo attack and dance around while being a lion! Do you see that? You’re a dancing lion! What the hell?! Other legendary As Fu techniques: –Dancing Cancer attack. Like Dancing Scorpio, except you have no venom, only these stupid pincers. Give them such a pinch! –Dancing Libra attack: adopt a stance of faux objectivity and mock their appearance until they develop body dysmorphia. –Sublime Pisces strike: hit them with a fish. –Immaculate Virgo defense: explain why Batman is the best superhero until your opponent goes away.

  • runfastandwin

    I dunno about beer (I prefer tequila) but there’s nothing better than a girl and some sweet sweet cocaine and a pickup truck (preferably like an F350 so there’s a back seat to do it on).

  • Scorpio, your power disease is Type II Diabetes, or “the Type Twosies,” as I prefer to call it.============Wooohoooo!I better go buy some ice cream WHILE IT IS STILL ON SALE!11!~

  • thebeatgoeson

    As a Capricorn, if I eat too much apple pie will I turn into a Scorpio? Inquiring minds want to know.

  • mtn_philosoph

    I don’t really care for Florida, and I visit the state quite often. By choice.