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Hit or Bomb? March 2018 movie predictions
Mar 1, 2018
Alone in the Dark (2005) (part 1 of 8)
The Cast of Characters:
Edward Carnby (Christian Slater). Standard Hero #34-B: rebel, kicked out of his paranormal investigation unit, works on his own now, relationship in ruins, mankind’s only hope. Sort of. Powers: nonsensical philosophical statements, the ability to shoot people without using a gun, and the Voiceover Of Doom™.
Aline Cedrac (Tara Reid). A woman like a light switch: thinking on, thinking off. Archaeologist, Carnby’s ex-girlfriend, and our current excuse for a female lead.
Richard Burke (Stephen Dorff). Resident tough guy of his paranormal investigation unit, after Carnby got kicked out. Really good at shouting and shooting. Other abilities: unknown.
Prof. Lionel Hudgens (Matthew Walker). Tries to cross-breed/infuse/whatever-ize humans with strange creatures. Why? Nobody knows, him least of all. He doesn’t have even the tiniest plan for world domination. Hey, I know! Maybe he’s just evil!
Sam Fischer (Frank C. Turner). Yep, that’s his name. Has no relationship to a mask-wearing secret agent, however, especially not in regards to his skills. Standard disposable science geek and living exposition device.
Krash (Catherine Lough Haggquist). My personal highlight of the movie. Not because of the name (who wouldn’t want to have a computer operator named “Krash”?), or because she actually does anything important, but because she’s the head of the keyboard monkeys, and is forbidden to ever leave her basement.
Edward Carnby (Christian Slater). Standard Hero #34-B: rebel, kicked out of his paranormal investigation unit, works on his own now, relationship in ruins, mankind’s only hope. Sort of. Powers: nonsensical philosophical statements, the ability to shoot people without using a gun, and the Voiceover Of Doom™.Aline Cedrac (Tara Reid). A woman like a light switch: thinking on, thinking off. Archaeologist, Carnby’s ex-girlfriend, and our current excuse for a female lead.Richard Burke (Stephen Dorff). Resident tough guy of his paranormal investigation unit, after Carnby got kicked out. Really good at shouting and shooting. Other abilities: unknown.Prof. Lionel Hudgens (Matthew Walker). Tries to cross-breed/infuse/whatever-ize humans with strange creatures. Why? Nobody knows, him least of all. He doesn’t have even the tiniest plan for world domination. Hey, I know! Maybe he’s just evil!Sam Fischer (Frank C. Turner). Yep, that’s his name. Has no relationship to a mask-wearing secret agent, however, especially not in regards to his skills. Standard disposable science geek and living exposition device.Krash (Catherine Lough Haggquist). My personal highlight of the movie. Not because of the name (who wouldn’t want to have a computer operator named “Krash”?), or because she actually does anything important, but because she’s the head of the keyboard monkeys, and is forbidden to ever leave her basement.
Note from the Webmaster: Welcome to yet another Agony Booth reader submission! This recap of Alone in the Dark was originally posted in the Reader Recaps section of the forums. It was then polished up by both me and The Fili, and now it’s official. See? Dreams can come true.
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The Fili
Hi, my name is Matthias, I am a student of English and German, and may one day even get to teach these (if my university ever works out how to run a B.A. system). I live in a medium-sized German town few have ever heard of, and have only recently discovered the joys of suffering through horrible movies, describing them in every little... okay, let's forget about the joy and make that therapeutic effect.
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