Allen West Will Be Haunted By The Horror Of The Coca-Cola Superbowl Ad For The Rest Of His Life

Did you watch Super Sportsball Spectacular yesterday? Were you rooting for the Broncos? If so, you are probably not reading this because you committed ritual suicide after that game. Those of you who remain are still watching wingnut heads explode over the goddamn gall of Coca-Cola to have a commercial that had many different languages.


If you are a normal person, you watched the Coke thing and thought one of two things: (1) why is this advertisement on my teevee interrupting the Seattle Seahawks’ complete evisceration of the Denver Broncos, or (2) hey, nice job Coke on getting all multi-culti up in here and also too including some homosexual type people that were actually a big old gay family, which is apparently a first for a Superbowl ad and also we are all tearing up a little bit because the ad was really sweet.

If you are not a normal person, of course, the fact that Coke showed some brown people and some funny-talking not-‘Merican language and teh gheys brought out your stone cold retrograde racist feels.

“WTF?” asked one post on Twitter. “@CocaCola has America the Beautiful being sung in different languages in a #SuperBowl commercial? We speak ENGLISH here, IDIOTS.” Some of the vitriol may have been satire for all I know, but there was much too much for that to explain all of the “English or GTFO” sentiment–not all of it in impeccable English itself. To wit: “Dear @CocaCola : America the beautiful is sang in English. Piss off. #DontFuckWithUs.”

If you are a not normal person and are also Allen West, you have literally thought of nothing else since the ad aired, and you’ve now written about it twice because you still cannot believe Coke would sully the good name of Coke with all that durka durka Messican language stuff.

First, West popped up mid-game to warn us all that a multi-language ad meant America was literally going to hell.

I am quite sure there may some who appreciated the commercial, but Coca Cola missed the mark in my opinion. If we cannot be proud enough as a country to sing “American the Beautiful” in English in a commercial during the Super Bowl, by a company as American as they come — doggone we are on the road to perdition. This was a truly disturbing commercial for me, what say you?

What say us? We say that you are a ridiculous little man who lives in a perpetual state of rage and fear. That is what us say. But West couldn’t stop there, because the mere fact of this ad’s existence is eating him alive from the inside out, just like when you put a penny in Coke as a child.

But the last thing any of us should want to see is a balkanized America. Furthermore, it has to be of concern that we have Americans who lack the resolve to take a stand for our borders, language, and culture. […]

Now, here is my recommendation of what the Coca Cola marketing executives should have done. Coke’s “America the Beautiful” should have been sung in English and showed Soldiers, Sailors, Airmen, Marines, and Coast Guardsmen of diverse races, sex, and creed deployed all over the world drinking Coca Cola. If you truly want to show a diverse commitment to service, sacrifice, and honor that enables us to live in “America the Beautiful” that would have been rated the best commercial advertisement of the Super Bowl. And we would be here talking about how we were all touched emotionally.

Coca-Cola, why won’t you listen to your buddy Allen West? Who is more of a marketing genius than the man that has the greatest book cover of all time?


Coca-Cola, put down those brown people that talk funny and hire Allen West right now to protect your brand. Do it for yourselves. Do it for America.


[TIME/Allen West]

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