Apr 22, 2013
Alexander the Great “Pilot” (part 2 of 7)
One of Alexander’s men is a big, beefy guy with an eye patch who goes by “Kleitos”, who for obvious reasons I’ll be referring to throughout this recap as either “Cletus the Slack-Jawed Yokel” or “Cletus Van Damme”. Cletus stoops over one of the bodies, declaring with some surprise that “Oreitus” is still alive.
Alexander runs up and cradles Oreitus in his arms. Oreitus chokes out, “Cleander! He…” Alexander wants to know if Cleander is still alive, pouring water into Oreitus’ mouth to help him speak. Oreitus is finally able to choke out that the Persians took Cleander prisoner. “My lord! They are gathering…” Before he can spit out anything else, Oreitus dies. Bye, Oreitus.
Shatner gets a Big Pathos Moment where he swears vengeance on Oreitus. Cletus the Slack-Jawed Yokel growls, “Butchers… To mutilate the body…”
This prompts Alexander to start bashing the Persians. Yeah, here we go again. Sheesh, with Alexander, it’s always Persians this, Persians that. He says, “There’s no soul to these barbarians!” In other words, they listen to a lot of Pat Boone?
And then we discover that Shatner’s legendary start-and-stop acting style was cemented a long time before Star Trek, as all of his dialogue is riddled with random, lengthy pauses. In a much too intense close-up, he declares, “If they’ve slaughtered Cleander like this, I’ll… teach them. [long pause] By all the gods, I will [longer pause] bury them!”
I guess Alexander spent too much time standing around pausing, because arrows whiz past his head and strike a tree right next to him. He and his soldiers turn and see men on horseback, and a helpful post-production yell from one of Alexander’s men informs us that these are the Persians, and they have Cleander.
Alexander leaps onto his horse, but one of his less courageous minions grabs the horse’s reins and tries to hold him back. Chicken-Shit Soldier warns Alexander that it could be a trap, but Alexander’s not going to let them escape with Cleander. “He is like a brother to me! The gods will protect me!” Presumably, Cleander is based on Alexander’s actual childhood friend Hephaistion (played by Jared Leto in Oliver Stone’s version), and if that’s true, he was way, way more than a “brother” to Alexander.