Apr 27, 2018
Alec Baldwin Did Not Gay Slur That Man, But If He Did It Was Shia LaBeouf’s Fault
Here is an oral history of the Trials of Alec Baldwin, and would you believe Alec Baldwin is not to blame for gay slurring that man whom he did not gay slur? (“All this is based on the fact of them believing what I said on a video.”) Who is? We are here to help. An Incomplete List of People Who Are to Blame for Alec Baldwin Gay-Slurring That Man Whom He Did Not Gay Slur, But If He Did It, according to the Gospel of Alec Baldwin:
Before we get to the endless Old Testament-styley begats of everyone in the world who is to blame for Alec Baldwin gay-slurring that man, which, we repeat, he did not do, a warmup:
Alec Baldwin calls a gay group in Hawaii. An “M-to-F tranny” (Alec Baldwin, that is no longer the preferred nomenclature, dude) asks sniffily if he wants to be “dry-cleaned.” No, he does not want to be dry-cleaned because he did not gay-slur that man, he just wants to find out what gets the gays so mad, and give them some money to make it all go away. It is the opposite of dry-cleaning! Also, there is a delightfully Donald Trumplike interlude where Baldwin quotes New Yorkers calling him a great New Yorker who does so much for charity. Good to know!
Now, without further ado, People Who Are to Blame for Alec Baldwin Gay-Slurring That Man Whom He Did Not Gay Slur, But If He Did It, according to the Gospel of Alec Baldwin:
- Paparazzi. They are always making his wife fall off her bike and then laughing and whispering, evilly, “See what I made her do?” My goodness, what an evil thing to whisper!
- Shia LaBeouf. He was a super douche about bragging he’d already memorized his lines for the play they were in and then scolded Baldwin in front of the theater people for not knowing his lines yet. So Alec Baldwin had to get him fired, obviously, and for real, children, stop bossing your elders, we will fire you with prejudice.
- The director of the play, Orphans. Sure, he fired LaBeouf, but he was sort of draggy about it.
- MSNBC. It gave him that show, but, like, he didn’t even really want to be on MSNBC. He wanted to be on the network, not among these boring idiots (Joe Scarborough, Mika Brzezinski, the “Margaret Dumont of cable news”).
- His MSNBC producer, who was sent to babysit him and would make dumb suggestions like “let’s book Rob Lowe,” when Alec Baldwin should be enough eye candy for any program! Also, he would not let him book Debra Winger or a JFK conspiracy theorist.
- MSNBC president Phil Griffin. He didn’t have a single sheet of paper on his desk. How can you trust a man who doesn’t have a single sheet of paper on his desk?
- James Gandolfini. If Gandolfini hadn’t gone and died, Alec Baldwin would not have been distraught, and this Daily Mail reporter dude wouldn’t have lied about Alec Baldwin’s wife tweeting from the funeral, so Alec Baldwin would not have had to call him a “toxic little queen,” which is different from the gay slur in question, because Baldwin did not even know “toxic little queen” was pejorative and also Alec Baldwin works in Hollywood and has so many gay friends, who probably should have told him not to call people “toxic little queens.”
- Anderson Cooper. The “self-appointed Jack Valenti of gay media culture.”
- TMZ’s Harvey Levin. He’s a “cretinous barnacle on the press. Levin told the world that that muffled sound on the video—Levin wanted everyone to know he knows what it is. You don’t know, and I don’t know, but Levin knows, and he tells the world that it’s ‘faggot.'” Apparently Alec Baldwin is no longer insisting he said “fathead,” because now he does not know what he said on the tape.
- Rachel Maddow. Lesbimafioso, the sinister queen bee of MSNBC, who got him fired, obvs.
- Acting. “Warren Beatty, who is mystifyingly intelligent and wise, said to me: Your problem is a very basic one, and it’s very common to actors. And that’s when we step in front of a camera, we feel the need to make it into a moment. This instinct, even unconsciously, is to make the exchange in front of the camera a dramatic one. Perhaps I fell for that.”
Perhaps you did, Alec Baldwin. Perhaps you did. Acting is a fucking faggot.