Agents of SHIELD Recap: Some, But Not Enough, Avengers

So we got to take a week off from SHIELD, and oh jesus did we need it because this thing just isn’t getting any better. Let’s face it: if you’re interested in the Marvel Avengers universe, you’re just counting down the minutes to the “Thor: The Dark World” premiere on Friday.

We kick off this week with children, campfire, ghost story, and lone person going off into the woods to investigate a weird noise because that is always the best idea and never leads to any problems. Does something scary happen? Hell yeah. Some sort of electrical storm-type thing that the kids scream through but they are fine, because this is not the type of show where we kill children, now is it? We do scare the shit out of them, though, as they find the body of their camp counselor/lone investigator guy suspended between two trees, crackling with electricity. Have fun sleeping ever again kids.

You know who is the real star of this show? THIS FUCKING PLANE.

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That thing gets more airtime than any of the agents.

Coulson is jogging and getting his blood and vitals checked by one half of FitzSimmons which is all weird-seeming and foreshadow-y on account of how HE IS PROLLY A ROBOT YOU GUYS. The boy half of FitzSimmons (really, we have no idea which is which) is building a supergun for Grant, but this one is too heavy for Grant’s delicate hands.

Skye is pissy because she is still in the doghouse after being a super double-agent spy and selling out SHIELD to her boyfriend. Weird. Can’t imagine why they’d still feel sore about that. Oh, boy FitzSimmons has a crush on Skye. Just what this show needs. A romantic triangle of Grant-Skye-Boy FitzSimmons. Or quadrangle with Skye boyfriend? Bored now.

We’ve headed off to look at scary woods where there was electrical explosion and oh, hey, dead camp counselor is just hanging out still suspended and still really dead.

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We’re all mystified about what it could be. Is it someone from the SHIELD index of baddies? Who can say!! Skye has looked up info about the dead counselor, because she is the only hacker in town, but there’s nothing remarkable about him. Dig deeper, Skye?

They’re letting May interview the children. Great idea. No, really. We need the legitimate comic relief of that, but we cut away immediately to the FitzSimmons’ examination of the poor dead camp counselor. Big surprise, he was basically super-electrocuted and oh, big surprise again, the electrical storm anomaly is happening nearby, so SHIELD is ON IT to check it out. This is mostly an excuse to drive the super-SHIELD-branded SUV around.

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We reach the farmhouse of extreme doom to find another suspended in air dead person. He is a volunteer firefighter at the same place as the first victim. Connect the dots, people, connect the dots. It’s right there in front of your — actually, nah, we have no idea what this means yet. They were both first responders during the alien attack on New York so now we’ve got some sort of conspiracy serial killer alien maybe.

We’re off to find every firefighter from this particular crew of first responders and one of them is SUPER sketch about the SHIELD visit and is maybe kind of our killer alien? Ooh, shiny! The firehouse is home to a Chitauri helmet. The Chitauri were the big baddies that invaded NYC, led by Loki, in the Avengers movie. Oh, just go watch it, for fuck’s sake.

Everyone that has touched the helmet is dying with the electrical implosion, explosion thing, because it looks like the helmet is some sort of alien bird flu carrier, except you don’t cough your lungs out, you electrocute yourself from the inside out. Now the last firefighter who touched the thing is heading towards explody death, and Coulson is staying there, talking him through it, and gives him a version of the “I went to the light” story. You didn’t go to the light, Coulson. YOU DIED AND NOW YOU ARE A ROBOT. Maybe. Coulson leaves and the last firefighter blows up. The others are quarantined, and the FitzSimmons are going to have to find a cure for the alien virus STAT.

Meanwhile the Chitauri helmet takes a little trip to a random moody foreboding locked room in a big steel box. Bye, helmet. See you real soon, no doubt.

Girl FitzSimmons has figured out how the virus works in like ten seconds, because of course she did. It lives in brain cells and propagates there and can hop from person to person and oh, we don’t care. All we need to know is that it is spread through electrical shock and now she’s in quarantine because she’s infected too because she got a shock from touching the first victim. She’s got about two hours before she dies and the plane can’t land so if she blows, they all blow. Since this show is DEFINITELY not the type of show that is going to kill off even one member of its little grown-up Scooby Gang this early, we’re not too edge-of-seat about this plot twist.

Early attempts, of course, are unsuccessful and result in floating exploding mice.

Grant is having a crisis of confidence in Grant, because he can’t punch the virus into submission. Poor big strong Grant.

Coulson is chatting with SHIELD headquarters and they are less than helpful. Their orders are that Coulson has to get the virus there but he has to dump Girl FitzSimmons. Headquarters, you are awful.

Fitz and Simmons have a fight that leads them to the realization that the inside of the helmet that went to stay in the moody foreboding room is the key to a serum, so Fitz grabs the helmet, breaks quarantine, and runs into the lab.

Agents of SHIELD Recap: Some, But Not Enough, Avengers

Aww, no fighting now, just love and working together on the Chitauri helmet. Will they fix it?? WILL THEY? Time for a serum-making montage and some really really dramatic music and some attempted mice murder to see if this thing works. Make that actual mice murder. Serum is not working. Tick tick tick tick.

Simmons knows she’s going to die, and asks that Coulson tell her dad and to have a moment alone with Fitz…to bash him in the head with a fire extinguisher?? Wait what??

Simmons is sending herself out the cargo hold so that she doesn’t blow up the rest of the SHIELDies and OH SWEET JESUS did we actually fucking kill off a major character this early?

Oh, of course not. Fitz comes to and realizes the serum works and Grant jumps out of the plane after Fitz because now Grant can be a Man of Action, which is what he is best at. There’s some mid-air injecting of serum

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…and we’re good and there’s oodles of hugging and team bonding. GO TEAM. May is stalking Coulson because she really really wants to talk about his medical report because YOU GUYS COULSON IS A ROBOT. He ordered his own medical tests because maybe he is starting to figure out the whole robot thing. His medical records say he’s fine, but he’s not fine, he’s different, and May clearly knows something…and it requires Coulson taking off his shirt? Huh? Is he going to have the Iron Man heart thing? Nope, he just seems to have regular old died-on-the-table scars. May gives him a pep talk about how he feels different because he is different but it is a cool kind of made-it-through-the-wilderness different, not a robot different. We wish this was the end of this arc, but we know it won’t be.

Plane (hello, plane!) and helmet and virus have made it to super-secret SHIELD sandbox and Coulson reminds the SHIELD headquarters people that he is a new man BECAUSE HE IS A ROBOT YOU GUYS and he’s going to kick ass and take names and protect his team.

Adding some New York City Avengers stylee action to this episode helped, but we’re still limping along with adults behaving and bonding like teenagers, and unless the show outgrows that, all the Avengers in the world won’t save it, though we won’t cry if the attempts to resuscitate require an infusion of Iron Man or Thor. In fact, let’s just skip right to that, shall we?

TV Show: Marvel's Agents of SHIELD

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  • JMP

    They’ve given us Graviton’s origin story now, but can we see some other actual heroes/villains from the actual Marvel Universe? I understand they want to save the bigger names for possible movies, but there are tons of D-listers who they would never do a movie for, like Squirrel Girl or Stilt-Man. Hell, from the previews I thought Gunn was going to be Luke Cage, but no, he was just some dude who was not an existing Marvel character.So far, we’ve got one, and that’s not enough.

    • BMW

      Speedball FTW.

  • BMW

    Ironman? Thor? How about Contessa Valentina? Or a pre-Ms. Marvel Carol Danvers. Or Bobbi Morse. Or Clay Quartermain. Or one of a bajillion other SHIELD Agents who were actually in the comics they could use.At this point I’d be super-excited just to see Lizzy Caplan’s character from the “Item 47” short. Yes, ABC, there’s your fix! Replace the whole cast (except Coulson) with the cast of “Item 47” and be done with it. Problem. Solved.

  • Homestar

    I’m still watching, but I really don’t know why. I wish they had killed off girl FitzSimmons, just to make the show feel somewhat a part of reality. So far it’s like a cartoon, except without all the awesome parts of cartoons and lame bonding moments. It definitely hasn’t hit its stride in terms of tone yet.

    • I keep feeling like it is waiting for…something? Like this is all prelude but sweet jesus, people, we are pretty far into the seaon for prelude.

      • Homestar

        Yes, exactly. There has been no Aha! moment when it feels like the show has a reason for its existence.