Apr 16, 2017
Agents of SHIELD Recap: Now With Hot Hot Double Sided Asgard Sword Action
Hello, dusty dry desert roadside bar with inexplicably spotless dust-free motorcycles! You are this week’s Agents of SHIELD setting for the poor sap from last week who is driving sexy steampunk Asgard lady Lorelei around because of how his mind has been spellbound.
Manlier dude named, of course, Rooster, steps up to hot lady to offer his assistance and a motorcycle ride AND a motorcycle gang, so of course she’s throwing over the wimp from last week. He whines a lot about it so she casually backhands him and he sails 100 feet away and is now probably dead maybe.
So Lorelei has a motorcycle gang at her disposal now and is no longer saddled with wimpy guy. Moving on, we’ve got Skye getting out of bed all gingerly and Simmons yelling at her every time she tries to stand up. We’re still deeply confused as to why Skye can’t have actual medical care and Simmons has to play doctor-doctor when she is only Ph.D doctor.
Ward visits and there’s a tender moment over how great it is to see Skye better yaddah yaddah yaddah. There’s also some chitter chatter about Skye running into Mike Peterson who is now sporting that sweet-ass Deathlok leg.
Skye is getting a little suspicious of the fact that Simmons is taking her blood like it is going out of style. Simmons wants to learn more about GH 235, the miracle drug that they shoved into Skye, but there’s no trace of the drug left in her blood. Coulson isn’t letting her go full-on scientist about it either, and she doesn’t know why.
Meanwhile, Coulson is living in flashback land, just sitting around in his super nice car and thinking about how he died and came back. His reverie is interrupted by random SHIELD guy that Coulson has called upon to try and find Fury, who isn’t taking his calls. Rando guy doesn’t know where Fury is either. Coulson drives off, pissed.
May is leader of the team while Coulson is off trying to hunt down Fury. There are weird energy readings coming from the California-Nevada border and that can only mean one thing: a new Asgardian is in town. Fitz is some over-acted combo of excited and surprised by this.
Fitz wants it to be Thor because of how Thor is buddies with Earth and all. Ward reminds him that not all Asgardians want to snuggle Earth. See, e.g., Loki.
Oh hello here is another different hot lady Asgardian that is not Lorelei. It’s Lady Sif, come to warn them that their world is in danger and to also wear Ren Faire clothing and to speak in that stilted Asgard way. They take her back to the plane to hang out, because she needs some help finding someone. Sif is perplexed by Coulson being all not dead since Thor told her that Loki killed him dead before the Battle of New York. Coulson grimly explains that SHIELD had a few tricks up their sleeve to keep him alive.
Sif is hunting Lorelei, who apparently has a long history of havoc. She’s not the strongest or the fastest, but she is the most sorcery-est. Her powers only work on dudes, though. Just a touch and a look and you’re all hers, men, but ladies are immune to her charms. She can only be stopped some gold collar type thing that Sif has brought all the way from Asgard. It prevents her from speaking, which stops her from mind-melding with dudes and getting her way.
Speaking of Lorelei, she is pissed that her minions aren’t bringing her back gold. Head minion explains that cash money is all good in America and we have a happy moment until Rooster’s girlfriend shows up to call him by his dorky real name (Dwayne!) and yell at him for not returning her calls. Since Lorelei lady magic doesn’t work on girlfriend, she has much yelling to do. Lorelei solves this problem by having Dwayne choke the girlfriend to death. That is a way to fix things, we guess.
Back on the plane…hey! we haven’t seen any stock footage of the plane in the air yet! What gives? Anyway, back on the INSIDE of the plane, Coulson and Sif are looking at the complicated but shiny SHIELD computer interface to figure out where Lorelei might be. Coulson, all casual-like, chats Sif up about all the other races she has seen in the other realms and oh hey by the way which ones are blue, hmmmm? Unfortunately, she lists a bunch of them, so that doesn’t help Coulson narrow down what type of poor creature was stuck in T.A.H.I.T.I. being the GH235 source.
Fitz has developed newer better weapons for everyone to take on the Lorelei hunt. Ward is, as always, the gun-fondliest. SHIELD and company need to get a move on, because Lorelei is amassing an army of desert-dwelling biker boys. They get to where Lorelei is holed up, but even the local police are under her spell. Cue inevitable gun battle in which no SHIELDies will die.
Sif heads in to take Lorelei back to where she belongs. She’s got an army of bikers at her disposal to help her do it, but Sif just kicks all their asses all casual-like. But oh no Lorelei went outside and even though we all JUST LEARNED that if you are a dude and you let Lorelei touch you, you are under her spell, Ward just stands there like a dummy until she grabs his arm and now he is her bitch and they ride off on a motorcycle together.
Thanks for the painfully obvious plot device, show.
Back on the plane Sif is SO MAD. Rightly so. Besides Ward falling under Lorelei’s spell, the special gold collar thingy got broken, so they can’t stop Lorelei unless they kill her. Coulson seems oddly unruffled about this, because he’s sure that FitzSimmons can fix a collar made of Asgardian metal, because of course they can.
Simmons is still trying to get Coulson to let her send some SkyeBlood with GH235 off to HQ for testing. She even gets yelly! Go Simmons. However, Coulson gets yelly back, saying that until he can talk to Fury, they’re not talking to HQ because if SHIELD went to such great lengths to hide the thing in the first place, there might be just the tiniest reason for concern.
Ward and Lorelei have gone to Las Vegas to hang out in Caesar’s Palace. he has to give her an army, and in return they will have some sexytime in a hotel room. Seems fair. Post-coitus, she stares out the window and reminisces about how she’d been collared and un-voiced for the last 600 years thanks to mean old Sif. Ward promises to get rid of Sif.
Oh here is Sif lovingly stroking her blade. No, that’s not a metaphor.
May comes in and asks if she can play with the double-edged sword thingy but after she gets to touch it, she explains she’d rather use her hands. Also not a metaphor. Sif figures out that May has soft and sexy feelings for Ward and reminds her that she might have to kill him since he’s now all Lorelei-minded. May, being May, is fairly chill about this possibility.
Fitz has managed to re-make the Asgardian metal collar and shows it to Sif but then promptly locks Sif in the impenetrable hexagon room because he is under Lorelei’s spell, because Ward and Lorelei have snuck back on the plane, we guess. Simmons and Skye are locked in Skye’s room, which leaves only Coulson and May roaming free. Fitz under Lorelei’s spell is worse than anyone, because Fitz does not know how to act around ladies even when he isn’t being forced into a mind meld.
May is all set to fight Lorelei but Lorelei takes her out with one punch, because that is how she does. Meanwhile, Ward opens the airlock that is conveniently located in the hexagon cage so Sif and the golden collar go flying out into space.
Tense standoff time between Ward, Lorelei, and May where Lorelei tells May that Ward revealed he loved another before Lorelei, but it wasn’t May. It was probably Skye, HMMMMMM?
Coulson has Skye open the hatch back up so that Sif can come back in the airplane so that we can maybe finally have the hot hot Lorelei-Sif fight we’ve been waiting for. About damn time.
There is much sword clanging while at the same time May and Ward have some Ultimate Fighter action of their own. Fitz is all set to fight to defend Lorelei too, but Coulson takes him out with one punch because he’s Fitz.
Sif bests Lorelei and puts the golden collar on her to finally shut her up, and just in time, because Ward was about to off May. Lorelei begged to be killed, but Odin wants her alive, so Sif is bound by her code JUST LIKE COULSON AND SHIELD DUH. Show. you are heavy-handed sometimes.
Touching convo between May and Coulson about how May needs to hash it out with Ward and Coulson needs to talk to Skye. May, however, is deeply uninterested in talking to Ward and points out that if Lorelei was telling the truth about Ward’s feels, then he was truthier with Lorelei than he is with himself. YA BURNT, WARD.
Coulson gets Skye alone to tell her that they both have alien blood pumping through their veins and that he tried to stop them from injecting her once he knew what it was. Coulson is freaked the fuck out, but Skye is like whatevs, we are alive. This is one of the few times Skye’s annoyingly chill not-all-that-bright demeanor has impressed us instead of bugging us. Coulson wants to find out more and figure out why Fury went to such lengths to hide the wonder drug, but he doesn’t want anyone else on the team to know, so it will just be him and Skye, going it alone, riding off into battle, blah blah blah.
Ooh, except May has heard everything and is calls an encrypted line to ominously intone: “He knows. Coulson knows.” YOU GUYS HE KNOWS.
More next week on who’s zoomin’ who and all that.