Dec 24, 2019
Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D. Is Super Fun Happy Nice Time Teevee
Agents of SHIELD Marvels of SHIELD Marvels Agents of SHIELD. There is no way we’re going to call this show by its full name or type out S.H.I.E.L.D. each time, so deal with it just being SHIELD. Here is your recap, because you are all probably Joss Whedon fanboys. (Disclosure, I am a total Josh Whedon fanboy, except for Angel, which I gave up on in Season 2 somewhere). Enough about me, what about SHIELD?
From here on out, it is nothing but spoilers, so TRIGGER WARNING PRO TIP SPOILER ALERT do not read this thing if you haven’t watched the show, unless you aren’t watching the show at all, in which case read away.
We open with heartwarming sad unemployed dad and sad kid whose dad is unemployed. Oh hey, look! Dad is the dude from Angel. This better be better than Angel.
Oh wait ohemgee explosion! Someone is trapped in the explosion at the top of the building. Timmy is trapped in a well. Unemployed dad has super strength and PUNCHES HOLES IN WALLS to make handholds to climb the building and save someone. Yay unemployed dad! You’d think having the super strength would make him more of an in demand sort of employee though, yeah?
He is filmed climb-punching the wall because of course he is. Look, there is a ladyblogger that has filmed it and she is Very Interested.
Cut to France and some as-yet-explained nonsense about the Rising Tide and needing to abort the package. Cue obligatory handsomely rogue agent who will not abort HELL NO because he is rugged and handsome. He retrieves the mysterious thing because he is a rebel.
Cut to ruggedly handsome dude getting some sort of bosslady dressing down where he shows her that he scored the package – a neural link – and she should really shut up because everything is scary and he found a thing.
Now we have a clunky rundown of the Avengers movie (shout out to yourself, Joss Whedon) because we need to recap that every everybody knows about SHIELD now because the whole thing in New York went down and everyone saw Thor and Cap’n ‘Merica so cat out of bag and all.
DUDE THE DUDE FROM THE AVENGERS THAT WAS DEAD IS NOT DEAD. AGENT COULSON LIVES.
Actually, this is really not all that big of a surprise because he was in all the commercials and previews for the show. However, his dramatic entrance actually is undercut, deliberately, by his making a joke about how he just emerged dramatically out of the dark, but didn’t actually mean to and only did so because a bulb was out. For serious, this is when Whedon is best. He winks and nods at the viewer, acknowledging that there’s no reason to be SO SERIOUS about your superhero-watching.
We learn that Coulson faked his death to motivate the Avengers, because if you will recall, they were a squabbling pile of childmess mid-movie and needed some encouragement.
The SHIELD people have learned about the superhero unemployed wall-climber dude because everyone has, and they watch him on the trademark every-government-agency wall of televisions. Does anyone actually find it useful to keep up with things by watching like 100 things at a time??
Now we’re all going to get in a mobile command unit to go get the mysterious Rising Tide so that the Rising Tide can get them to unemployed superhero. Ruggedly handsome guy does not like this idea because his job is to kill people and defuse bombs, not to be friendly.
Ladyblogger has found wall-climbing dude and is being extremely overdramatic weird stalker-y about having found him except she knows she is being that way so it’s cool.
Ladyblogger tells superhero about SHIELD and how they are terrifying and he should join forces with her and find SHIELD first, or something. She steals superhero’s license so we can see he is Mike Peterson and tells him he should visit her in her office, which is actually her van, which she actually lives in. Oh, and she knows a lot about computers. This is probably Important.
Now we meet some cute bickering British young ‘uns who are clearly the geniuses of the show and you know they will continue to bicker/be genius-y until the end of time.
Coulson is back, and he is driving some sort of vintage car that he is kinda smug about. Now we’re all in a giant plane to go find Rising Tide.
Ladyblogger is the Rising Tide, or part of the Rising Tide. Just as she’s dictating her manifesto about how she can’t be found, Coulson shows up at the door of her van because he is awesome.
Friendly interrogation time. Ladyblogger knows about a thing – Centipede – that SHIELD does not. HAHA SHIELD SUCKERS.
Cut back to sad unemployed superhero. He would like to share the product he is on with the world because he is unemployed and sad. The doctor – who presumably hooked him up with the superpowers – says no go.
Back to SHIELD people. We’re in a super-blown-up lab that is rubble, and has to be searched. Genius British children have an awesome robot way to search the rubble so they can stay dapper and British.
Coulson and Rugged Handsome are still chatting withe ladyblogger and shame her by pointing out she is just a cosplayer hanger on Tony Stark worshipper. She admits that she’s cosplayed near Stark Tower, but it was only the one time, so is cool. Joss Whedon gently mocking cosplay people is the best. Now Coulson’s gonna truth drug the lady OH SNAP HE TRUTH DRUGGED RUGGED HANDSOME INSTEAD. Rugged Handsome is going to get truth-sought by lady blogger as some sort of trust exercise so she will love SHIELD.
Superhero wants to not be unemployed, so he goes back to the factory to beg for his job back. When he doesn’t get it, he goes full on Hulk smash mad and beats the shit out of his old boss because he is the hero.
Now we’re all figuring out that superhero dude has been given his superpowers, but he’s basically disintegrating, so ladyblogger needs to go get him. Bickering British kids are going to need to rely upon ladyblogger’s tech to figure out more.
Unemployed wall-climber has found the scientist that gave him the super-strength and she is not going to let him reveal himself. She reminds him that the last dude lost it as well.
Back to the Brits. They used all the technology to recreate the dude-blow-up-lab-of-mad-scientist thing. If you saw Iron Man 3, it looks exactly like that. From this, they learn that scientists are hooking people up with a soup of superhero serum. OH SHIT IT IS EXTREMIS. Go watch Iron Man 3, ok? That will make this all clearer. Basically, EXTREMIS is some super-unstable superpower that eventually means that the person who is all juiced on it will literally explode. Seems like a huge downside for experimental medicine.
Wall-climber is on the run with ladyblogger while British child bickerers try to figure out how they can make wall-climber not blow up, because blowing up is bad and will take out two blocks or something.
Ladyblogger has apparently gone all double-agent and actually helped SHIELD find superhero so they can stop the blowing up. Now, of course, we are Racing Against Time because exploding man has of course gone to a train station like always happens in these sorts of things.
There’s some mysterious third party here now that isn’t SHIELD that shoots wall-climber but we don’t know why. It doesn’t kill him, though, because we need to have a Meaningful Standoff where Coulson explains that superhero is literally going to explode, and that conversation has to of course happen while Rugged Handsome prepares to try to sniper shoot superhero from on high.
OH NO RUGGED HANDSOME SHOT WALL-CLIMBER JUST AS COULSON WAS MAKING A BREAKTHROUGH. GodDAMN you Rugged Handsome. Oh, except it’s cool, because Bickering Brits figured out some way to just put him to sleep with bullets instead. Cue montage of everyone looking gratefully and breathlessly at everyone else. Yay!
Now we’re all happy and Coulson is going to take ladyblogger for a ride in the fantastic old car which of course flies.
Coulson would like ladyblogger to join SHIELD because clearly they are the Good Guys and the people that create exploding people are still out there. Will she or won’t she? TUNE IN NEXT WEEK YO.
Seriously, this thing is one long action superhero cliche after another, but it works out OK because Whedon is so intentional about it. He knows he’s created a scenery chewing spectacular and since we all know it, we can watch it for fun instead of for hate. Bottom line: it’s fun. You’ll enjoy watching it. It will provide you with some Happy Nice Time. You probably won’t put it on your must-see TV list unless the plot gets a little more intricate since right now there’s not much There there, you know? The show also critically lacks anyone as pretty as the people in the Avengers. So: fun TV, Joss Whedon, keep watching in the hopes there’s a Thor or Tony Stark guest appearance, in which case I will be recapping with one hand only.