Mar 20, 2016
6 changes coming to DreamWorks Animation once Comcast takes over
Comcast is shelling out $3.8 billion to buy DreamWorks Animation, which is well over a billion more than the company is worth, and that’s not even snark. The animation studio, much like its signature Shrek franchise, is fondly remembered for what was and not the schlocky spinoff and sequel machine it’s become. Comcast, on the other hand, has been universally hated since day one by anyone who’s ever had to deal with it, making it the Ted Cruz of media companies.
Big changes are already planned for DreamWorks by its new corporate overlord. Co-founder and CEO Jeffrey Katzenberg is out, for one. But that’s just the beginning.
6. Movie start times will be changed to “sometime between 3 p.m. and 10 p.m.”
Ha! Okay, now that the most obvious joke is out of the way…
5. Ticket ordering will be a nightmare.
Buying a movie ticket? Better call in sick to work. You’re gonna be on hold with three different departments, none of which seem to know the price of a ticket, mostly because you can’t order just the one or two movies you want to see. If you want to see How to Train Your Dragon 3, you’ll also have to sign up for 136 other DreamWorks movies you’ll never watch, ranging from Turbo 2: S-Car-Go to Mr. Peabody and Sherman Meet the Croods, along with, inexplicably, a landline telephone.
Once you figure out which convoluted ticket package is gouging you the least, the next step is picking a time to go see the movie for someone to come to your home and install a ticket printing machine, which you’ll pay $5 a month for, because you didn’t think they were going to be honest and upfront about their pricing, did you?
And heaven forbid your ticket machine stops working. Which it will. Often. You better convince your boss you have the flu, because it’s gonna take a week straight to get the problem fixed and convince DreamWorks to refund you the ticket price of all the movies you missed.
4. New Plotlines.
Shrek 4 will be nothing but a 90-minute lecture by Donkey explaining why King Shrek deserves the right to throttle back the speed at which his peasants can listen to fairytales from other kingdoms because granting absolute power to an uncontested monarch is what’s best for the free market, dammit, and if those ungrateful bastards don’t understand that, they can just cancel their subscription to having any government at all, so why don’t you try that, you little shits!
3. Pixar movies will suddenly be rated R.
No, not because of the inevitable day that Woody and Buzz find them immobile, trapped, slack-jawed and horrified as Andy discovers masturbation. It’s something far more insidious than that: namely, lobbyists.
Every single member of the Motion Picture Association of America (MPAA) is about to be treated to an all-summer, all-expenses-paid “fact-finding mission” to Monte Carlo, Bora Bora, and St. Moritz where, at the stroke of noon every day, they’ll receive hour-long handjobs from Cameron Diaz and/or Jack Black. Anyone still unconvinced will be forced to watch the first ten minutes of Up on a continuous loop until the mere sight of the Pixar logo reduces them to frantic, uncontrolled blubbering.
2. AT&T will send sales reps wandering up and down the aisles of every movie theater in America
“Sorry to interrupt your evening, but would you be willing to watch marginally crappier versions of these movies if they were coming from a company you hated marginally less? No? Okay, enjoy the show. Someone else will be by in ten minutes to ask you the same damn question.”
1. Ticket prices will make no damn sense
Are you a loyal DreamWorks fan? You must be punished! The company hates you and everything you stand for. Get ready for your ticket prices to go up randomly and often, without warning. You won’t even know it until you’re already at the theater with a girl you haven’t been dating long enough to complain about how much anything costs in front of her.
Normal, dependable ticket prices are for first-time movie watchers only. Anyone who dares to keep watching DreamWorks movies for more than 12 months will feel the company’s full contempt. You’ll soon find yourself back on hold with three different departments again, trying to figure out a bunch of all-new—and significantly crappier—ticket packages, mostly consisting of direct-to-DVD Over the Hedge sequels.