Apr 13, 2017
6 Best TV Characters to Get Stuck With on a Deserted Island
Your plane goes down… You cling to your floating seat cushion until at last you wash up on a small, uncharted island… There is only one other survivor. Who would you hope to find washed up next to you on the beach?
Who: Kimmy Schmidt
From: Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt
Any woman who can survive 15 years living in a rat-infested bunker with no television or smartphone, only one really ugly outfit, and a bearded, long-haired Jon Hamm (I prefer my Don Draper clean shaven, thank you very much!) can surely survive being stuck on an tropical island with a TV Recapper! (“It’s so funny what people who have never been kidnapped find scary,” she says upon visiting a Jekyll & Hyde-themed restaurant.)
From her plucky, indefatigable optimism in the face of misfortune (“Anyone can survive anything for ten seconds”) to her savvy mental health advice (“Just raise your hands above your head, jump up and down, and say, ‘I’m not really here. I’m not really here.’”), Kimmy will make the desperate search for food and shelter feel like a sunny vacations. And let’s not forget all those awesome mid-nineties references she carries around in her back pocket to be tossed out at just the right moment! (“Let’s go dancing someplace cool like Club Bombay on Moesha!”) You’ll never get bored, that’s for sure!
Besides, when it comes to nicknames, Lost Island Refugee beats Indiana Mole Woman any day! And I, personally, think Kimmy would be thrilled about the moniker upgrade. Because, just like the Netflix series’ theme song says, “Females ARE strong as hell!”
– Julie Kushner
From: Buffy the Vampire Slayer
I would pick Buffy Summers because she has survived the Hellmouth for so long, other than the two or three times she died. Assuming she could avoid any prophesies or apocalyptic-avoiding martyrdom, she’s quite the survivalist. She could fight off any wild animals and hunt for me; then, at the end of the day, I could ask her how she felt about Angel dating Cordelia in the spinoff.
Alternatively, I would pick Scrappy Doo. To kill him for food. You’re welcome, America.
– Susan Velazquez
Who: Anyone from the Stargate team
From: Stargate SG-1 or Stargate Atlantis
Go back and watch Stargate. It’s only nine seasons + five seasons (you can skip Universe; you’re welcome), so I’ll wait.
Okay, did you count how often something went wrong and damaged the ‘gate when they went through to visit other parts of Vancouver, I mean other planets, forcing them to fix, bargain, or jury-rig their way back home? It was at least 79% of the time. If you were stuck on a deserted island with Jack, Sam, Teal’c, Daniel, Sheppard, Rodney, Teyla, or Aquaman, I mean Khal Drogo, I mean Conan, I mean RONAN (not the Accuser), you’d be out of there in 45 minutes, tops. Plus literally all of those people would provide suitable eye candy while you waited for them to shoot down a jet to fly to safety (Jack), negotiate a treaty with the sentient seabirds to fly you home in slings (Daniel), or build a functioning hyperdrive capable of propelling the entire island across the universe and/or to the mainland (Rodney).
– Cassidy Cobbs
Who: Peter Quinn
There is nothing sexier than a man carrying a torch for an unrequited love. Nothing makes a woman want to TRY HARDER to turn that passion in another direction. Plus, there’s the whole international man of mystery thing, the cold-blooded killer exterior, the obvious psychological pain that you are dying to cure WITH LOVE. Add in that Quinn is gorgeous—not a goofy ginger with a freakishly tiny mouth like some people. And Peter really doesn’t care if you are a statuesque Nordic blonde or a super-sized curvy American. He feels your pain and just wants to make you feel better—even if he can’t quite fall in love with you. But you respect that; his undying loyalty is to the bitch-goddess of his dreams. You just wish that it was your name he would whisper in his restless sleep, while he clings to you on the straw mattress he made in the treehouse he built, on the island from which you never wish to be rescued.
– Marion Stein
Who: Immortal, Reality-warping Hurley
Hurley is freakin’ hilarious and has valuable experience being a castaway. He’ll know what’s edible and isn’t, what to wipe with and what not to, and how to build a lean-to that won’t collapse in the rain. Plus—SPOILER ALERT—at the end of Lost, Hurley gains god-like powers over time and space.
(Yes, technically, it’s the Island that has power over time and space, but the Island is now Hurley’s to command. Quit being pedantic.)
Want food? Just walk over that hill and every crop and an animal you could possible want will be there waiting for you. Need shelter? Bring two coconut to the top of the mountain, bang them together, and when you return to the beach, you’ll find a delightful two-story Tudor home with marble countertops and a billiards table. Want to discuss particle physics with Stephen Hawking and Neil deGrasse Tyson? Tomorrow morning, a plane will crash into the island carrying them both. Heck, Hurley can even summon up the ghosts of Einstein and Heisenberg to join the conversation. Injuries, illness, even old age can never touch you. No, it doesn’t have to be the Island we’re stuck on; we’ve seen that the “guardian” of the Island’s power extends everywhere. If you’ve gotta be stuck someone, who better than a jolly, geeky, all-powerful man-child?
– Rick Lewis
Who: The Doctor
From: Doctor Who
One word: TARDIS. Goodbye, island. Hello, universe! Oh, and the one that looks like David Tennant if it’s not too much to ask.
– Sara Hope