Our 15 Most Popular Stories of 2015… Naked Ladies Inside!
Welcome to 2016! We’re thrilled to have you with us for another exciting year of Happy Nice Time People. We have a lot of exciting new stuff planned, but first, reruns! Actually, it’s more like one of those “clip show” episodes where they string together a bunch of old stuff and pretend its new. You remember when Friends used to do that? It was actually in their contract that they got to do it once a season. Ugh, that used to piss us off. But we’re doing it anyway. Here it is… our top 15 most popular articles of ’15. Enjoy!
15. Louis C.K.’s real life resembles South Park
Usually Louis C.K. is able to mine his personal misfortunes for comedy gold, but this time, getting way too high cost him—and his adoring audience—an entire chunk of the fifth season:
You know how everything’s funnier when you’re stoned? You spend an entire hour wondering why the syrup doesn’t come out of Mrs. Butterworth’s boobs because she’s like your surrogate breakfast mother and that would be hilarious and so deep, man. Or you come up with the entire overarching plotline for the fifth season of your TV show only to realize the next morning that it’s all an indecipherable—and unfunny—pile of garbage.
14. Top 3 Most Popular “My Little Pony” Characters on Porn Sites (#2 Will Shock You!)
Thanks to this story, if you google “My Little Pony porn,” you will eventually find our little website among the search results. We couldn’t be more proud.
Do you like My Little Pony?! Cool, which one is your favorite?
No, I mean to masturbate to.
The masses have spoken, and the answer is… Rainbow Dash.
13. An Exclusive Look at the Upcoming Full House Spin-Off!
Okay, Louis C.K. and My Little Pony we knew you couldn’t help but click on. But Full House? Maybe we don’t know our audience as well as we think.
Have you ever wondered, “Gee, what I really want more than anything in the world–more than a million dollars, world peace, or a cure to cancer–is to know what exactly the Tanner family is up to right now?” Well, you got it, dude!
12. Comcast Finds New Way to Hate You
Streaming can’t kill cable fast enough. But until then, Comcast will continue to devote its full R&D budget to pissing you off in new and exciting ways.
Comcast hates you, as you well know. The latest thumb in your eye is Comcast’s laughable attempt to get into the streaming business next year. Naturally, Comcast doesn’t want you to go cable cutting, or to be happy, or to experience love and fulfillment in this lifetime, so the creatively named “Comcast Stream” provides you with nothing you want and makes it a pain in the ass to get it.
11. ESPN knows its audience, starts tweeting porn links
Should we be surprised that we’re only five stories into this list and two of them have the word “porn” right there in the title?
You know who likes porn? Everybody! But more specifically, ESPN’s Gerry Hamilton, who maybe shouldn’t watch so much of it while he’s working.
10. It Truly Is A DIFFERENT WORLD: College Life Then vs. Now
TV can be a time capsule. Which is a nice way of saying it can make you feel old as s#!&.
It’s strange watching a TV show about college life set in the 80s/90s, and I am a little amused/amazed at how different college life was back then. Using card catalogs? Pay phones? No laptops in class? No laptops AT ALL?
9. Ultra-racist Rupert Murdoch says some ultra-racist stuff… Does anyone care?
No one should be surprised that the people that eat up FOX News are goose-stepping to Donald Trump’s drumbeat considering what the network’s fuhrer has been spouting all along.
Pick another group—Hispanics, Jews, etc.—and we’d all be questioning this morning if and when Rupert should step down as CEO of 21st Century Fox. But because it’s Muslims, it somehow falls to comedian Aziz Ansari of Parks And Recreation to stop and say, “Dude, seriously, that’s not cool.”
8. The 7 Biggest Changes Across 7 Seasons of Mad Men
Back in the 1960s, the times they were a-changin’. And Don Draper never failed to have his finger on the… um, pulse… of that beautiful lady we call America.
Joan then assigned the hilarious elderly Ida Blankenship to his desk so Don wouldn’t be tempted to bang her. I mean, unless he was into that sort of thing. Unfortunately, Ida was called up by the Big Boss in the sky so Don promptly banged his next secretary, Megan, although, to his credit, he eventually married and divorced her like a real man should. (Wait, is that why Murphy Brown went through so many secretaries? Was she banging them all?)
7. Scream the TV Series vs. Scream Queens: A Sadist’s Study Guide
They’re not the same show. We promise.
I Scream. You Scream. We all . . . need to find more creative titles for our television shows.
6. 5 Failed Knockoffs of Popular TV Shows
The internet and lists go together like the internet and cats.
A fictional FBI division assigned to investigate seemingly supernatural cases. Female and male lead investigators whose conflicting approaches to the job leads to mounting sexual tension. The Friday night death slot on Fox. Fringe couldn’t have tried harder to be The X-Files if they’d had Robert Patrick replace Joshua Jackson and gave mysterious observer dude “Wednesday” a smoking addiction.
5. BINGE OR NO – Narcos, Season One: Almost a True Story
Easily the most popular of our “Binge or No” series of reviews.
Narcos is addictive, so if you haven’t already binged this Netflix series based on the life and escapades of one Pablo Escobar, master criminal, cancel all your plans next weekend and have at it. It gave me great pleasure. Then again, back in the ‘80s, so did cocaine. Like cocaine, my initial feeling of “Oh my god! This is better than sex!” quickly wore off with no afterglow.
4. Chelsea topless! Wait, not Clinton? Oh well… still, uncensored inside.
Apparently pictures of exposed breasts are a good way to generate internet traffic. Who knew?
Is Instagram’s policy of allowing photos of male nipples but not female nipples anywhere near your list of the top 1,000 things you’d bother to protest? No? Then you’re not Chelsea Handler.
3. 5 TV Stars (Besides Bill Cosby) Whose Real Life Behavior Destroyed Our Love of Classic Shows
Real life gets in the way of enjoying TV entirely too often.
Then, about a year and a half ago, I learned that the guy who had his hand up Elmo’s butt for the entirety of my childhood . . . the man who voiced all of his adorable “whys” and coined his infectious laugh, Kevin Clash . . . may have dabbled in pedophilia.
2. 10 Annoying Things I Noticed Across 10 Seasons of “Friends”
Binging wasn’t a thing when Friends was originally on the air. How does the viewing experience change in the Netflix era?
Did Jennifer, Courtney, and Lisa blow all their money and somehow never have any left over for a Wonderbra? These are the questions that keep me up at night.
1. Ruby Rose Shows Us Her Ink
We know that you, our dear readers, being sophisticated and intellectual, visit us strictly for the articles. However, we couldn’t help but notice the popularity of that Chelsea Handler boobage story (see #4) or the serious boost in readership for a particular recap of Game of Thrones that happened to include a screen cap of some nekkid boobies as well. Therefore, out of curiosity, we ran an article that read, in its entirety, thusly:
As part of an experiment and purely for news value, we present to you Ruby Rose’s amazingly awesome boobs from Orange Is the New Black.
This briefest of blurbs was accompanied by an uncensored animated gif of said actress turning toward the camera, sans clothes. You delightful miscreants made it our number one most read story of the year.
What do you hope to see from HNTP in 2016? Please let us know!