CNN To Replace Trump in Republican Debates! (Hypothetically)

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The Donald is now demanding 5 MILLION dollars from CNN just to show up at the next Republican debate. He’s using his previous tactic of “It’s all for charity, so if you don’t pay me this adorable child and/or puppy will die” which worked not at all so well when he offered the Prez one MILLION dollars to release his college transcripts.

What happens if CNN doesn’t give in to this extortion generous charitable offer because they obviously hate our wounded warriors, which all of the money would go to help? The Donald might decline to appear, which would presumably sink the ratings for that particular series even further, as he is indubitably the star.

But couldn’t CNN replace him? With the numbers steadily going down already and several recent cast changes, isn’t time for a reshuffle? None of the current supporting players are ready to take the lead. But what about bringing in a ringer? Here are some suggestions if CNN decided to simply Charlie Sheen The Donald:

charlie harper

  1. Charlie Sheen as Charlie Harper. Given his lineage, Sheen is probably not even a Republican, but so what? If the Donald has taught us anything, he’s taught us that none of this is real. Besides, the public misses Charlie – whatever his last name is – and who doesn’t love a bad boy? Also he’s not fielding too many other offers, so they could probably get him cheap.sam malone
  2. Ted Danson as Sam “May Day” Malone. Sam Malone’s political affiliation is unknown, which is a definite plus in this year of the amateur. And it wouldn’t be the first time Danson’s been brought in to replace a popular character on a long running series.bruce willis die hard
  3. Bruce Willis as John McClane. Sure he hasn’t done television in years, and they’d probably have to pay him even more than what the Donald is demanding, but as John McClane he’s saved our asses numerous times, and he’s tough on terrorists. Also enough with whatever The Donald has going on on his scalp. Willis has become a proud bald man.Jack-Season-7-jack-bauer-22658037-570-364
  4. Kiefer Sutherland as Jack Bauer. Speaking of tough on terrorists! I’m not sure how much of his previous resume Bauer could trade on publicly, but everyone knows who he is and what he can do. Putin, watch out!snakes on a plane
  5. Samuel L Jackson as Neville Flynn. The guy can handle snakes on a plane. ‘Nuff said!arnold
  6. Arnold Swarzenegger as The Arnold. He’s replaced The Donald before and he’s even held elective office. Unfortunately, owing to his not being a “natural” citizen of the US, he can’t actually be elected president, but can any of the other guys?bill clinton
  7. Bill Clinton as Bill Clinton. He can’t be elected for a third time and he’s a Democrat, but talk about charisma! It would be a game changer, and imagine what the ratings would be next season in a Clinton vs. Clinton extravaganza. Sweep weeks here we come!

Marion Stein

Marion writes television recaps and reviews for the Agony Booth, and books you can find over at Amazon.

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