Apr 9, 2017
19 Kids and Counting: Take Your Mommy and Daddy to Work Day
Ever watch 19 Kids and think, damn, if only there were more John David? This is your lucky week! We get to follow John David along to both of his jobs—and so do his parents. Plus, Jessa looks at wedding invitations, and Jill uses the C-word.
It’s another doubleheader of half-hour episodes. Episode 1 starts now!
If 19 Kids is competing for the three-year-old boy demographic, this week’s opening scene couldn’t have been any more perfect if Ma Duggar came riding in on a dinosaur. There’s Momma Michelle—behind the wheel of a giant yellow construction excavator with its huge claw and massive tank treads.
Ma Duggar tells the camera that she regularly schedules one-on-one time with each of her children in a desperate effort to remember all of their faces well enough to identify the bodies after they’re martyred by Obama’s atheist goon squads for owning a Bible. Right now, she’s hanging out with John David, who, despite being 25 years old, never misses out on motherboy time.
What’s with the excavator? John David is a part-time construction worker and part-time police officer, a somewhat disjointed career path that’s ideal for appealing to the show’s target audience of three-year-old boys and/or Village People.
It takes less than 90 seconds for Pa Dugger to pop up on screen and remind us all that John David is unmarried and therefore lives a meaningless, hollow existence. Jim Bob’s not even in this scene so I can only assume this is an attempt to public shame/drum up business for his son’s penis.
Anywho, Ma Duggar and construction equipment. Hilarity is bound to follow, right? Actually, what follows is a string of interviews with Duggar kids speculating that hilarity must surely be happening. If so, we never see it. There’s a few shots of John David’s face, and a few shots of Momma’s face, and not much else. There’s no footage of the claw successfully picking up a mound of dirt and dropping it into the dump truck—or failing to do so. Maybe the dirt refused to sign the release to be on TV.
We’re led to believe that Ma Duggar eventually succeeded because now John David’s going to teach her how to drive the dump truck away. “It drives like anything else,” he says. Spiffy, thanks for the lesson. See, TV can be educational.
John David says he enjoyed Bring Your Mommy to Work Day. “Maybe one day I’ll return the favor and help her make some brownies,” he says. Yeah, ‘cuz that’s what bitches be doin’ all day, right?
Remember last week when Jinger took some engagement photos of Jessa and Ben? If not, here’s a flashback. And now we finally get to see the results. Hey, look, it’s a bunch of pictures of Jessa and Ben. Now I feel silly about complaining they didn’t actually show us the photos last week. The happy couple picks their favorites and emails them to eldest brother Josh so he can design the invitations.
Ben looks to Jessa for reassurance that Josh’s design won’t suck. She warns him that he should have “no expectations.”
“Because expectations ruin relationships!” pipes up six-year-old Jordyn. I guess that’s some sort of Duggar family mantra. It’s a strange piece of advice to beat into a little girl’s head, but I guess self-worth is for liberal whiners. Expect nothing of your husband! You’ll get what he gives you, and you’ll like it! Why are you not pregnant yet?!
Invitations are being mailed to 800 households. Ben says he’s been inviting random people he ran into at the grocery store just to keep pace with Jessa. She raises an eyebrow at him. This is as funny as he gets, Jessa, so if you’re not at least chuckling, you’re in for a tough time.
Over at Jill and Derick’s McMansion, Jill is making a strawberry cheesecake to bring her mother-in-law. Miss Cathy, as Jill still calls her, is about to head to Omaha for five weeks of stem cell therapy in hopes of keeping her cancer from returning. Yes, that’s bit weighty for this show, but don’t worry, they mostly focus on the cheesecake. Oh, and Jill’s morning sickness. It’s pretty bad, we’re told, but it’s part of the baby-making process so everyone has smiles on their faces. Besides, that’s what Jill deserves for having an ancestor that ate that piece of fruit one time.
Hey, that’s the Washington Monument! And the Lincoln Memorial! We must be about to visit Josh, Anna, and the kids in D.C.!
“Jessa and Ben are getting married!” three-year-old Michael squeals to the camera.
“Jessa and Ben are getting married!” echoes five-year-old McKynzie. Yeah, we know, you snot-faced little copycat! And by the way, you spell your name like an asshole. Go play in the litter box.
Michael justly covers McKynzie’s mouth with his hand. Thanks, buddy.
While Josh messes around in Photoshop, Anna is helping the little ones create their own invitations for Jessa and Ben’s wedding out of construction paper, crayons, and colored popsicle sticks. McKynzie draws a heart in crayon and frames it with the popsicle sticks. Ooooooo, how fucking original. What a brat.
Michael does something similar, but come on, he’s only three, give the kid a break. Nice job, sport! We’re all proud of you.
Jill picks up Derick from work, which she does every day, because they’re newlyweds and she just can’t wait to see him. Where does Derick work? The show never says, but Derick’s Instagram does.
Celebrating one year working at the Walmart. You snagged yourself a real go-getter, Jill. And a brownnoser to boot. I hope he’s at least getting health insurance.
Jill and Derick head home, where mother-in-law Miss Cathy is coming to visit. She looks so much stronger than she did at their wedding, which I’m happy to see, because she’s the only person on this show I actually care to follow up on.
They all eat cheesecake while Miss Cathy assures the audience that these are her own stem cells she’ll be receiving and not some sliced and diced zygote-American. Hooray for medical science when it’s not making personified infant deities cry.
Jill and Derick hand Miss Cathy a big basket of snack foods and crossword puzzle books, saying they’ll at least Facetime if they can’t visit. Derick assures the audience at home that they’re going to immediately Facetime with mom when they learn the sex of their pre-born American citizen, which is reasonably sweet, although no one seems particularly emotional.
Back at the Duggar compound, Josh’s first draft of Jessa’s wedding invitation shows up in her inbox. Actually, he sent several options, and she calls over Ben and Jinger to help evaluate them. Jinger wonders about a few tweaks, but when they call Josh on speaker phone, they pick option #3 as is. Jessa is not the type of person to worry about details… or anything else. No expectations, no disappointments.
Okay, now it’s the moment they’ve been advertising all week and teasing all show. Pa Duggar is headed out with John David for a police ride-along, just like that movie with Ice Cube and Kevin Hart, only without all the black people humor.
John David gives Dad a junior police badge sticker, and Dad proudly slaps it on his shirt. It’s a pretty good start, but it’s all downhill from here. The undynamic duo sits in their patrol car on the side of a two-lane highway running radar. And let me warn you, should you ever find yourself in the Duggars’ hometown of Tontitown, Arkansas—and you won’t, but still—it’s a fucking speed trap. Pa Duggar gets to play with the radar gun but quickly grows bored. There is no conversation whatsoever. Pa can’t even work up a snide comment about John David not having a girlfriend.
Finally, some other cop pulls over a speeder, and John David heads over to the scene to help out/keep his dad from falling into a boredom coma. Except, John David warns Dad to stay in the car and not touch anything.
Like any other bored six year old with a junior police badge sticker, Pa Duggar eventually breaks the rules and gets out of the car. But he doesn’t head towards the traffic stop. Instead, he wanders into a convenience store to buy Gatorade and donuts.
“It was pretty obvious that he went in and bought something,” John David tells the camera. Yeah, he OFFERED YOU THE DONUTS. Great work, detective.
After a little more time on the side of the road, John David pulls over a car with a burnt-out headline. Pa Duggar dutifully stays in the car and eats powered donuts.
Damn—I never expect a big finish on 19 Kids, but this sudden anticlimax took even me off guard.
Episode 2 is here!