19 Kids And Counting Recap: Talking Turkey, Audiobooks, and Fake Beatings With The Duggars
Remember how last week there was the EXCITING CLIFFHANGER about whether the holiday dinner at Josh and Anna’s would be ready in time for the Duggar onslaught? Have you been on pins and needles all week? Let’s solve this mystery once and for all in this week’s 19 Kids and Counting.
The show first spends approximately 12 hours self-recapping last week by showing us that Anna had to speed up dinner and then the smoke alarm went off and then the doorbell rang and LOOK HERE IS A GIANT PASSEL OF DUGGARS.
Jim Bob whinily explains that when he walked in he expected to smell happy food smells but instead smells smoke. Shut up, Jim Bob. You were the rude fucker that arrived AN ENTIRE DAY EARLY with your family of 1000.
Mom Michelle is amazed that grandchildren have grown in her absence. We had no idea that the Duggars had that tenuous a grip on basic biology.
Jim Bob and Mom go down to look at the room that poor Josh and Friend had to basically rehab in one day. Jim Bob and Josh share a manly Christian side hug.
It’s time to eat the turkey, which is miraculously done and not burned, but Josh has to carve the turkey and Josh does not know how. Josh, you are a grown man with three children from a family that celebrates all the major Christian holidays, and you never had to carve a fucking turkey? He doesn’t carve it so much as mangle it.
Everyone eats off paper plates with plastic forks because the Duggars are a one-family whirlwind of environmental destruction.
Oh right, the Duggar girls are writing a book or recording a book or both with their savvy relationship advice. Jessa is the only one courting, but we’re sure the rest of them are all super experts on dating.
The girls (oh Christ, we don’t know which ones. some of the older ones, we guess) head to a recording studio to read their book at you. The whole thing seems a little casual, with the recording engineer just shepherding them in and telling them to grab a microphone. We thought there would be a little more to it, but then again we have never recorded an audiobook about how not to have sex. The girls found it very stressful, because you have to read the whole sentence perfectly or start over! Did the girls not learn how to read aloud in homeschool?
Meanwhile back at Josh and Anna’s house, it is time for some bro-bonding and planning the incredibly advised dinner theater they’re going to do for their parents. They want to do a video depicting the parable of the Good Samaritan, and then they explain to us what the story of the Good Samaritan is. Fuck you, Duggars, even us heathens know the parable.
So the four of them have spent a collective 200 hours writing AND recording an entire book. So 50 hours apiece. Fuck that. 50 hours of writing barely gets you a chapter, especially if you have to stop and drink Hemingwayesque quantities of liquor like we would if we had to write about the Duggars.
It’s time to film the Good Samaritan parable, complete with fake beating.
So they’re beating him with a windshield brush/scraper? This is the least threatening beating ever. Josh is whining about how he is the one that has to get fake beaten. Everyone is whining about how they are out in the blistering cold to film. Kids, you are in DC. There is barely any snow on the ground, and what is there is melting. You are not even remotely close to cold.
So with this many children, you celebrate birthdays in groups, because that is a sure fire way to make kids feel special. Two of Mom and Dad Duggar’s children are four this year, as is a grandchild spawn of Josh and Anna, because of course. Here is a helpful infographic to help you understand the timeline of why a Duggar grandchild and a Duggar child are just a few months apart!
Fun fact! Part of the reason is that one of the Duggar child four-year-olds was born at 25 weeks, which is usually not a thing people say with such relish and glee as Mom Duggar does here. Jim Bob is also quite pleased with himself about having spawn and grandspawn the same age.
Someone decided the best idea for the small children was to let them make candy. You can imagine exactly how this ends up looking.
Would you like to see some footage of Josie when she was born a full 13 weeks or so early, because of course the Duggars filmed that shit and of course they didn’t contemplate how incredibly fucked up it was that Michelle keeps pushing out babies even though it gets increasingly likely one will not survive? Sure you would!
After that, Michelle gives yet another speech about how she hopes she has another baby. You people are awful.
They’re going to take all the children ice skating so that we can watch endless footage of small children falling.
Also, we have to interview each child about whether or not they fell. Must see TV.
We wind up with a happy holiday message about how they love visiting each other and the children do not like to leave and here is a skating montage and everyone is happy because they spent time with family. What? No cliffhanger? UNFAIR.
Next week, Daddy Duggar and whichever daughter is sorta courting that missionary kid in Nepal fly to Nepal so they can meet for the first time, which is a totally sensible thing to do. Can’t wait. Actually, we could wait forever, but you people won’t let us stop watching this thing.
Catch up in the archives
19 Kids and Counting Season Season Eight Episode One
19 Kids and Counting Season Season Eight Episode Two
19 Kids and Counting Season Season Eight Episode Three
19 Kids and Counting Season Season Eight Episode Four
19 Kids and Counting Season Season Eight Episode Five