Here Is Your '19 Kids And Counting' Recap Now Give Us All The Liquor Please
Is it weird to drink whiskey at noon? Too bad, because that’s the only thing that’s going to get us through recapping another episode of “19 Kids and Counting” aka Duggars: The Duggening. Last week saw Jessa starting to get her courtship on, which we think means that they can text only when Mom and Dad Duggar can read the texts and also too they can occasionally Christian side hug. Hawt. OK, let’s do this.
Today is Duggar double date time, where Mom and Dad Duggar make Jessa and whatshisname, Ben, go on a date with them. It’s a mini-golf date, of course, because there is no more awful cliched less sexy date than mini-golf.
Oh, we’re also building a playhouse. I have no idea which children are involved in this process. There is one large-sized Duggar and several smaller Duggars helping. I think there’s around 5 of them. Is that a swarm of Duggars? A scrum? A grip?
Another five of them are going to the grocery store to make pickles. America, you suck. We are all sitting around watching the Clown Car Vagina family put things in vinegar. What the hell is wrong with us?
Did you know they go through all the children in the credits? It takes like three minutes.
Jessa’s very pleased with the courtship and is standing in front of the mirror explaining how courtships work, which is that they suck and you never get any, but WHO IS SHE TALKING TO??
Mom Duggar has noticed that because Jessa is thinking about lurvvveeee she is not doing all the housework she used to, so other people have to fill in. Lady, you have 19 kids. Surely you can find someone to do something.
Because there are so many children, they are grouped into smaller slices of children. Unfortunately, they do not call these children a scrum as we had hoped. They’re a buddy group, and there are four of them in each group.
In the buddy system, one older child is tasked with wrangling the younger ones each day. So, all the joys of parenting while still being a teenager. Michelle whines about how hard it is for her and Dad Duggar to deal with all their children. PRO-TIP: STOP HAVING CHILDREN FOR FUCK’S SAKE.
Now we’re back to the deep and abiding love Duggars have for pickles. This is their signature snack or something. They eat a gallon a week. That does not sound that absurd, given that you have two baseball teams worth of people living at your house.
One of the Duggar spawn, Joshua, has moved away to Washington DC with his fam. If this means a Duggar has a job in government or policymaking, we will punch ourselves in the face so hard. We spend some time learning about their children, because of course. It looks like there are three of them but who can say, really?
Oh, it is this bit of Duggar peoples making the playhouse, not the enormous Duggar clan proper. One of the show’s text boxes helpfully informs us how big the playhouse is in relation to the Duggar house. It’s like Pop Up Videos, but from hell.
Mini golf double date time! You know what is the best thing to do on a date? To have Dad Duggar hector you about what the line in your relationship will be, physical contact wise. Side hugs are, of course, totes cool. Frontal hugs are too close if you are attracted to each other. Ben decides they will limit their lovin’ to side hugs only. No hand-holding, because that’s the devil’s work.
On the other hand, because Mom and Dad Duggar are married, they get to kiss and hug any old time they want, so they kiss and wrassle a bit and then Mom explains that this is what you get to look forward to, but you can’t have it yet. Jesus, these poor kids.
Goddammit we forgot that we were still going to cover pickle-making. They talk A LOT about pickles. Jill’s buddy team is tasked with the pickling, so it is off to the store with her buddy group. Fuck if we know the name of the kids in the group, but they all get to go to the store.
Guess it is better than all 19 of them going.
Back to the golf date, where Dad is still pressuring Ben to talk about whether there will be hand-holding. Jessa is cool with hand-holding in a Jesus is OK with it sort of way, but says she’s just not that into it generally because she’s not a touchy-feely person and she’s not ready for it yet. So, side hugs only from here on out.
But not for Mom and Dad Duggar! Since they have been blessed with married fecundity, they can touch any old time they want, which leads to Dad humping Mom awkwardly while they play mini golf.
Once you see you can’t unsee.
Jessa and Ben are going to save kissing for their wedding day, even though Mom and Dad did not. Mom and Dad Duggar are so slutty.
Ben sucks at mini-golf. Now Jessa will never want to bone him, because mini-golf is totally the symbol of virility and achievement.
Mom and Dad Duggar kick Jessa and Ben’s asses, so then Dad Duggar picks up Mom Duggar and spins her around. Man, there will be some babymaking in the Duggar household tonight!
After all that sexiness, it is hard to flip back to Joshua’s wife, Anna, and her boring tale of children’s playhouse assembly. The playhouse is successfully assembled. We have nothing more to say about that, because it is children putting together a plastic playhouse. The show, however, thinks you would like factoids about the playhouse assembly process.
FEEL THE EXCITEMENT.
Back to pickle-making, which actually requires the show to do a step-by-step explanation of how you make pickles and which child has special skills to best participate in the pickle-making. We have never talked so much about pickles in our lives.
Cliffhanger! Jill might be courting too! How can we NOT tune in to the next episode to find out what will happen? The good folks over at Free Jinger might know, because they are getting their Duggar snark on HARD, which is quite the compliment coming from us. Tune in next week or tomorrow or in 15 minutes or something, because it looks like the Duggars did a two-fer episode last night, so there’s more to come.
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