Aug 6, 2017
19 Kids And Counting Recap: Let's All Go To A Quiverfull Wedding!
We are thanking our lucky stars above that unlike last week, there is only one episode of the Duggar family saga, “19 Kids and Counting” to recap this week. Watching two of them is a level of torture we don’t deserve, no matter what we’ve done.
We’re watching those endless credits again, and realizing that Spawn of Duggar, Josh, and his wife, Anna, have also too named their children names that begin with the same letter. (Fuck you, we are not looking them all up.) Is this a Jesus thing that we don’t know about?
This week, we open with some loving shots of the Duggar family laundry room, which is bigger than the laundromat we usually go to.
The Duggars are packing up to go to the wedding of Erin Bates and Chad Payne. The Bates are fellow Quiverfull travelers with 19 of their own kids over in Tennessee. Jesus, these weddings must be expensive.
We get to see the re-enactment (at least we hope it is a re-enactment) of the Erin-Chad proposal. It involves a carriage horse and a gazebo, of course.
Jessa is not helping with packing as much as she used to, because now she is preoccupied with courting. Courting, for these people, involves supervised texting and a phone call each night. How the fuck long can that take? So now that Jessa’s head is in the clouds, the bulk of laundry and packing falls to Jinger. She tries to name how many children she has to pack for, but she isn’t sure, because that is what the fuck happens when there are 19 of you. We’ve been to smaller cocktail parties.
Would you like a factlet of how much clothing it will take for a Duggar trip? The show thinks you would!
None of those numbers are multiples of 19, so we are very confused.
Those wacky Quiverfull kids are making a gag gift for Erin, who cannot cook. It involves recipes and a fire extinguisher. Har dee har har.
Mommy Duggar explains the difference between dating and courtship, because they are contractually obligated to talk about this every episode, we think. Dating = selfish sexytime and courtship = no touching but just thinking about marriage a lot. As we never tire of telling you, courtship sounds fucking AWFUL.
Now we’re checking in with the Bates family, who are basically the Duggars with thick Southern accents. They’re getting ready for the wedding, which maybe has 1000 people coming but they don’t know and also too they have not bought any food for the wedding yet, even though it is three days away.
Let’s interview Chad and Erin! Oh god wait let’s not. He’s preternaturally boring, and he’s a slow talker and she has an insane amount of eye shadow. We couldn’t even open our eyes with that much eye shadow.
All the bridesmaids dresses (we have no idea how many bridesmaids there will be. Six? Eleventy?) were ordered online but none of them work so now one of the Bates children (no way in hell we’re learning the names of this batch of 19) is going to sew dresses for everyone. That poor kid.
This is what it looks like when the Duggars pack. They have goddamn store display racks of clothing.
Oh, yeah, Courtship Ben is going to the wedding too, so he gets to hump clothes out to the RV just like the rest of the Duggars. And yes, of course they travel in an RV. How else on earth would you transport 19 children??
Since Ben is trapped on the bus with Daddy Duggar, it is time for Jim Bob to quiz Ben yet again about his courtship of Jessa. Isn’t this exactly what happened last week during Daddy-Daughter Double Date Day? How many times can you pester the poor guy about this?
What kind of girl have you been praying for, asks Daddy Duggar? A pretty girl that loves the lord, says Ben. When we go to hell (oh, you know it is a “when” not an “if”) this will be the kind of conversation we have to listen to.
We arrive at the Bates ranch or compound or whatever, and there is much side hugging and rejoicing. It looks like if you are actually getting married after your no-kissing courtship, you are free to start the possessive side hug that seems endemic to these people.
Seriously, Chad clings to Erin like a drowning man. A creepy boring drowning man. They have known each other three years. They have not kissed. Think how much pent-up stuff lives inside of that dude.
We go to visit the house that Erin and Chad will live in after they are married and sweet Christ on a cracker look at that fucking master bedroom.
Need we remind you that this is a grown person heterosexual very traditional sex roles-type couple’s master bedroom.
One of the beefysmack Duggar brothers is in charge of trashing the wedding car. It involves Vaseline and sardines and mothballs. What the ever living fuck? Is THIS a Jesus thing???
The ladies are all getting the food ready for the wedding and talking about how tough it is to give your daughter to a man. CREEPY PEOPLE YOUR DAUGHTER IS NOT A POSSESSION.
All of the Bates children are very very sad their sister is getting married, because their sister is their best friend. You kids need to get out more.
There are approximately one million corsages. Our allergies are flaring up just looking at them. There are also one million pictures of Chad clutching Erin. Chad is SUPER PUMPED about getting married. Except he says it with the amount of enthusiasm we reserve for minor dental procedures. Meanwhile, Erin keeps making creepy baby talk sounds about him. We don’t feel good.
There’s a big reveal of the wedding dress and all the ladies stand around and ooh and ahh, like you do.
It is utterly inoffensive, which is an achievement on this show. We were afraid it would need to have long sleeves or something. We can’t really remember how modest this flavor of religious zealot is. Apparently arm-showing is OK.
Ben does not know how to tie his own tie, so Jessa has to. Ben, grown men know how to tie a tie.
Time for some praying with Erin and the Duggar girls. Erin even prays in the weird baby talk voice.
Oh, and yes, 1000 people at the wedding at the megachurch. One. Thousand. People.
FIRST KISS OH EM GEE FIRST KISS. Dude looks like he is going to eat the poor girl’s face off in desperation.
Mommy and Daddy Duggar are dying to know if Jessa and Ben are just sitting there thinking about how great their wedding is going to be some day. The vows are always Ben’s favorite part of the wedding! He really says that.
Do you know the only thing more boring than attending a wedding? Watching the wedding of someone you have never met on the teevee.
The beefiest beefysmack Duggar — we think it is John David — is sad because he really really wanted to trash the wedding car, but it is a rental, so he can only partially trash the wedding car. Life is hard, John David.
More desperate kissing from Erin and Chad. More Duggars talking at the camera about how great the marriage will be. END WEDDING DAY END.
Thank god that’s over. Please don’t let there be another wedding next week. We know there are probably multiple weddings per season because there are so many of these children, but we need a break.
Catch up in the archives: