19 Kids And Counting Recap: Let's All Go To A Quiverfull Wedding!

We are thanking our lucky stars above that unlike last week, there is only one episode of the Duggar family saga, “19 Kids and Counting” to recap this week. Watching two of them is a level of torture we don’t deserve, no matter what we’ve done.

We’re watching those endless credits again, and realizing that Spawn of Duggar, Josh, and his wife, Anna, have also too named their children names that begin with the same letter. (Fuck you, we are not looking them all up.) Is this a Jesus thing that we don’t know about?

This week, we open with some loving shots of the Duggar family laundry room, which is bigger than the laundromat we usually go to.

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The Duggars are packing up to go to the wedding of Erin Bates and Chad Payne. The Bates are fellow Quiverfull travelers with 19 of their own kids over in Tennessee. Jesus, these weddings must be expensive.

We get to see the re-enactment (at least we hope it is a re-enactment) of the Erin-Chad proposal. It involves a carriage horse and a gazebo, of course.

Jessa is not helping with packing as much as she used to, because now she is preoccupied with courting. Courting, for these people, involves supervised texting and a phone call each night. How the fuck long can that take? So now that Jessa’s head is in the clouds, the bulk of laundry and packing falls to Jinger. She tries to name how many children she has to pack for, but she isn’t sure, because that is what the fuck happens when there are 19 of you. We’ve been to smaller cocktail parties.

Would you like a factlet of how much clothing it will take for a Duggar trip? The show thinks you would!

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None of those numbers are multiples of 19, so we are very confused.

Those wacky Quiverfull kids are making a gag gift for Erin, who cannot cook. It involves recipes and a fire extinguisher. Har dee har har.

Mommy Duggar explains the difference between dating and courtship, because they are contractually obligated to talk about this every episode, we think. Dating = selfish sexytime and courtship = no touching but just thinking about marriage a lot. As we never tire of telling you, courtship sounds fucking AWFUL.

Now we’re checking in with the Bates family, who are basically the Duggars with thick Southern accents. They’re getting ready for the wedding, which maybe has 1000 people coming but they don’t know and also too they have not bought any food for the wedding yet, even though it is three days away.

Let’s interview Chad and Erin! Oh god wait let’s not. He’s preternaturally boring, and he’s a slow talker and she has an insane amount of eye shadow. We couldn’t even open our eyes with that much eye shadow.

All the bridesmaids dresses (we have no idea how many bridesmaids there will be. Six? Eleventy?) were ordered online but none of them work so now one of the Bates children (no way in hell we’re learning the names of this batch of 19) is going to sew dresses for everyone. That poor kid.

This is what it looks like when the Duggars pack. They have goddamn store display racks of clothing.

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Oh, yeah, Courtship Ben is going to the wedding too, so he gets to hump clothes out to the RV just like the rest of the Duggars. And yes, of course they travel in an RV. How else on earth would you transport 19 children??

Since Ben is trapped on the bus with Daddy Duggar, it is time for Jim Bob to quiz Ben yet again about his courtship of Jessa. Isn’t this exactly what happened last week during Daddy-Daughter Double Date Day? How many times can you pester the poor guy about this?

What kind of girl have you been praying for, asks Daddy Duggar? A pretty girl that loves the lord, says Ben. When we go to hell (oh, you know it is a “when” not an “if”) this will be the kind of conversation we have to listen to.

We arrive at the Bates ranch or compound or whatever, and there is much side hugging and rejoicing. It looks like if you are actually getting married after your no-kissing courtship, you are free to start the possessive side hug that seems endemic to these people.

19 Kids And Counting Recap: Let's All Go To A Quiverfull Wedding!

Seriously, Chad clings to Erin like a drowning man. A creepy boring drowning man. They have known each other three years. They have not kissed. Think how much pent-up stuff lives inside of that dude.

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We go to visit the house that Erin and Chad will live in after they are married and sweet Christ on a cracker look at that fucking master bedroom.

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Need we remind you that this is a grown person heterosexual very traditional sex roles-type couple’s master bedroom.

One of the beefysmack Duggar brothers is in charge of trashing the wedding car. It involves Vaseline and sardines and mothballs. What the ever living fuck? Is THIS a Jesus thing???

The ladies are all getting the food ready for the wedding and talking about how tough it is to give your daughter to a man. CREEPY PEOPLE YOUR DAUGHTER IS NOT A POSSESSION.

All of the Bates children are very very sad their sister is getting married, because their sister is their best friend. You kids need to get out more.

There are approximately one million corsages. Our allergies are flaring up just looking at them. There are also one million pictures of Chad clutching Erin. Chad is SUPER PUMPED about getting married. Except he says it with the amount of enthusiasm we reserve for minor dental procedures. Meanwhile, Erin keeps making creepy baby talk sounds about him. We don’t feel good.

There’s a big reveal of the wedding dress and all the ladies stand around and ooh and ahh, like you do.

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It is utterly inoffensive, which is an achievement on this show. We were afraid it would need to have long sleeves or something. We can’t really remember how modest this flavor of religious zealot is. Apparently arm-showing is OK.

Ben does not know how to tie his own tie, so Jessa has to. Ben, grown men know how to tie a tie.

Time for some praying with Erin and the Duggar girls. Erin even prays in the weird baby talk voice.

Oh, and yes, 1000 people at the wedding at the megachurch. One. Thousand. People.

FIRST KISS OH EM GEE FIRST KISS. Dude looks like he is going to eat the poor girl’s face off in desperation.

Mommy and Daddy Duggar are dying to know if Jessa and Ben are just sitting there thinking about how great their wedding is going to be some day. The vows are always Ben’s favorite part of the wedding! He really says that.

Do you know the only thing more boring than attending a wedding? Watching the wedding of someone you have never met on the teevee.

The beefiest beefysmack Duggar — we think it is John David — is sad because he really really wanted to trash the wedding car, but it is a rental, so he can only partially trash the wedding car. Life is hard, John David.

More desperate kissing from Erin and Chad. More Duggars talking at the camera about how great the marriage will be. END WEDDING DAY END.

Thank god that’s over. Please don’t let there be another wedding next week. We know there are probably multiple weddings per season because there are so many of these children, but we need a break.

Catch up in the archives:

19 Kids and Counting Season Eight Episode One
19 Kids and Counting Season Eight Episode Two
19 Kids and Counting Season Eight Episode Three

TV Show: 19 Kids and Counting

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  • hdtex

    GAWD these people are creepy as FUCK!

    • Red_cted

      Is that Jinger, pronounced like ZINGER?

  • Maureen Damian

    Re: The master bedroom. All it needs to be manly is a few artfully chosen specimens of taxidermy. For example, http://www.badtaxidermy.com

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    This post was deleted.

  • Camacho/Trump 2016!!

    I fucking love these recaps.

    • renfriend

      Much better then the actual show…I think… I managed about 15 minutes of watching one episode in the first season and then I had an overpowering urge to gorge my eyes out. I still feel a bit queasy when I flip by TLC…

  • I’m hoping that Jessa is the Jessa from Girls.

  • BMW

    I assume since he has never kissed her then he probably has never had sex with anyone… and he is marrying a girl who is actually attractive?That wedding night is gonna last about 5 seconds.

    • Bill Slider

      There’s an app for that.

      • fixxin2

        The fap app.

    • glasspusher

      Don’t forget, he isn’t allowed to fap either. He must have ultraviolet balls by now.

  • WA Bishop

    The only way I could make it through one of these shows is with a drunken game of Which One’s Gay followed by a discussion of whether/when/how they would act on it.

    • EriktheRed

      You could also try and identify any future porn stars among the brood.

    • splashy79

      I keep wondering what they will do about that. Shun them? Force them to marry and procreate, in unhappy marriages?

    • Jennifer Nicole

      Look to the youngest sons as they get older.I like the porn star one, since it has less to do with genetics, making the guess more random. =D

  • Momma Duggar just said recently that “she’s not expecting right now, but they really wish she were”WTH? Having more children to make a even 20 for a reality show?How old is the woman on top of it?

  • hrdkc

    How the hell do all these people end up with a billion kids who are all conventionally attractive? Or should I say, “how the heaven?” I guess Jesus rewards a repressed life with a million pretty daughters?

    • How do they end up with so many kids who are all straight? Statistics suggest at least one of them is destined for reparative torture. I mean “therapy.”

      • hrdkc

        Jesus does not believe is statistics. Also, am I the only sicko who worries a lot about incest? Or have I just been a little too involved in Game of Thrones lately?

        • Squirrel_t_robot

          Not sick. Sadly, accurate.Power families like Cleopatra’s married brother to sister, for example.Keep it in the family, and what not.

          • every monarchy did that, religious, none religious and even none royalty. very animal on earth does it…the only reason we no longer practice incest is actually because of the church…so if you hate the church so much you should disregard such laws. see sometimes it is good when they don’t follow whats in the Bible 100%..since it is filled with incest…yet they religious folk were the ones who passed such laws and convictions making it wrong.like half the thing you think are wrong today, they are all perceived as so because of the church. I personally see it as gross as that is how I was raised…but we are the only ones on this planet who don’t do these things..the ones who do are normal. so I will stick with the churches morals on this one, but since you mother fuckers hate everything to do with religion you may as well continue to be mother fuckers.seriously you idiots make atheists look just as stupid as them, i think this is really a religious site trying to make us look bad and you are all Christians. as real atheists are not as stupid and hateful as you all are.

          • splashy79

            Actually, the reason they stopped is because they started getting too many genetic problems cropping up.

          • Haribo Lector

            Sure, because of the church. I guess Hammurabi’s famous Code of Laws was probably inspired by the Bible.

          • Fare la Volpe

            If you actually read it you’ll see the Bible is pretty pro-incest. Just saying.

      • glasspusher

        In my statistics class, I think this was called regression to sanity mean.

      • Jennifer Nicole

        The more sons a woman has, the greater the odds he will be gay. They think it might have something to do with testosterone intolerance of the woman. However, I would start side-eyeing the youngest sons as they get older.

  • Thank Wotan I can type again! The sight of Chad and Erin’s bedroom caused temporary blindness.

  • chascates

    This show is just to soften us up to accept the over-the-top crazies like Cliven Bundy and his patriotic Mormon cows.

  • Cindyinencinitas

    Why did you do this to me? I thought I could trust you.

  • Melissa

    That master bedroom guarantees missionary because he’ll have to press his face into the pillows just to get an erection.

    • glasspusher

      all sheets are gray in the dark.

      • renfriend

        And you know it will be dark.

    • Fare la Volpe

      Erections are sins in the sight of God. A true Christian man places his flaccid abomination underneath the lady’s petticoat and waits perfectly still. Nine months later a miracle is born!

  • glasspusher

    I wonder if a reality show of the Glass Household here would cause the Duggars to feel like puking as much as reading this review made me want to projectile vomit?

  • Squirrel_t_robot

    You’re not getting laid until you tie your own tie, young man!

  • Squirrel_t_robot

    Men who have actual sex do not sleep in some crazy woman’s rendition of a vagina, dressed up with lace and a mattress.

    • glasspusher

      Nothing a lava lamp and some Led Zeppelin can’t cure.

      • Fare la Volpe

        Hopefully their neighbors will have a cool uncle with some brownies to mellow them out.

  • wow this is all just hateful bullshit, you people are the disgusting ones…1st the only man I know who can tie at tie is me, no other guy I know can and I am always showing guys how to, unless they are business men who work in an office and have to wear a suit everyday..or like me who own their own business and meet with clients.2nd it has always been called “giving away” the bride, are you stupid? does the hate take up to much space inside that pea sized brain of yours? Is this site run by westborro? from the amount of hate and stupidity you see coming from here, one would assume so. actually I think they were nicer as at least the would attend the event they hated on..you cowards hide behind a keyboard and bad mouth people. just disgusting.As for the pick room, that’s what you get when you let your future wife decorate. My bathroom will never be the same as it was when i was a young bachelor..there like wall paper in there now and little carpets and crap like a box for the Kleenex and cover for the toilet paper.my magazines are on racks rather then spread out on the floor for easy access. all the girly girls today would do just this thing if they had their way. This guy was nice enough not to give any fucks, like really what does he care, it’s just a place to sleep and fuck (not like my bathroom grr)..so let her have her way if you love her.as for waiting to do all the sexy stuff, no personally I couldn’t do that, but what exactly is wrong with not being a horndog? what is wrong with waiting..is that not what we teach our kids to do? like seriously do you just hate on everything that is religious, because it’s people like you who give the rest of us atheists bad name and make us no different from them.you’re nothing more then westborro, may as well list them as your sister group of hate and stupidity.

    • Jennifer Nicole

      Giving away the bride does stem from the tradition of women being their father’s property until ‘sold’ (dowries) to the husband.Not every woman is as ridiculously feminized as to think that pink and frills go on everything, and your assumption shows sexist views.

    • Haribo Lector

      Well, that was quite a tirade.

  • Julielle

    Sweet baby Jesus, that bedroom is like sleeping in a pack of Smarties.

  • splashy79

    What are they going to do about the must be at LEAST one gay in the group? Force them to get married to the opposite sex, and live unhappy lives?

    • Jennifer Nicole

      The more sons born, the greater the odds of homosexuality. That youngest son is probably going to be miserable.

      • Fare la Volpe

        “Going to be”What makes you think he isn’t already?

  • ElleBeMe
  • I’m a dude and I think I got a case of honeymoon cystitis just reading that.

  • SullivanSt

    We arrive at the Bates ranch or compound or whatever

    Surely – surely – I can’t be the only one thinking “motel”?