Aug 6, 2017
19 Kids and Counting RECAP: Jill Prepares to Cash in Her V-Card (S14:E11)
Now that I have a child of my own, I find myself approaching this show with a new perspective. I have a better understanding of what Michelle Duggar is going through, and while her approach to parenthood may be radically different from mine, she deserves some measure of respect and understa—HAHAHAHA, no, dat bitch be crazy.
This week’s 19 Is Higher than Most of These Kids Can Count is yet another one-hour special. This would be depressing, but they always air two new half-hour episodes a night anyway so what the hell’s the difference.
Why do we need a full 60 minutes? Because this is the “Wedding Countdown!” episode, and that exclamation mark is most assuredly their doing, not mine. There is no excitement to be found unless you enjoy watching other people pick out nail polish and/or picking up family members at the airport. Actually, scratch that “or” because both of those things are about to happen. Oops, SPOILER ALERT!
Our double-stuffed Duggar extravaganza begins with a close up of the “N 2 Yogurt” logo because there’s no such thing as a business too small for Ma and Pa Duggar to try and get free shit from in exchange for air time. We’re on yet another double date with Momma, Daddy, 23-year-old Jill, and her fiancé Derick. Apparently the two couples get together once a week to go through some sort of Christian marriage workbook.
Before they sit down, Daddy Duggar mixes every single flavor of frozen yogurt in the store into one bowl like he’s an eight year old. Since Momma Duggar has a twisted case of arrested development around age six, I think I finally understand what she sees in him. An older man, how exciting!
In the workbook today, the couples are talking about debt. They’re against it.
Daddy Duggar: What if your car breaks down and you can’t afford repairs?
Derick: I would not go into debt.
Daddy Duggar: Yeah, but what if you’ve already been forced to spend all your money and savings on emergency medical bills, how would you fix your car?
Derick: ObamaCare I would not go into debt.
It doesn’t really answer the question, but it’s the right answer to every question nonetheless. Momma and Daddy are reassured that their little girl is being sold into the right hands.
Next, Daddy and Momma Duggar take Jill and various assorted younger kids to an auction to pick out furniture for Jill and Derick’s new house. Does the scene start with a close-up of the Callaway Auctions, Inc., logo? Why yes, it does!
Daddy Duggar is letting the soon-to-be newlyweds move into a giant home he recently bought and renovated—although they’ll get the boot if a real buyer come a-knocking. And judging by how much time they spend showcasing the empty home on the show, Daddy Duggar hopes a few airings is all it takes to find a sap who is no more discriminating with his money than he is with his reality TV show viewing habits. Sorry, kids, business is business. Get your asses out before the check clears.
But in the meantime, they’ve got a McMansion to furnish. Although Jill makes a lot of noise about her sisters helping her pick out what she wants to bid on, there’s no evidence that anyone but Daddy Duggar is making decisions here. They’ll get the bright red pair of couches he picks out for them, and they’ll like it. At the end of the day, an on-screen graphic claims they spent just over $3,000 on $9,000 worth of stuff.
Then it’s time for all the kids to help move the newly acquired action furniture into Jill and Derick’s temporary home. And Daddy Duggar emphasizes the word “temporary” every time he talks about the home so no one can get too comfortable. However, Daddy also says he anticipates that Jill and Derick will be in the home when “in a few months… we get the call that you’re expecting.” You best know your duty, Jill. No one in this family, from the eight year olds to the mentally eight year olds, will ever let you forget it for a second.
Speaking of duties and gender roles, the Duggar boys (plus Jessa’s boyfriend Ben) haul all the furniture around the house while the girls point them where to go. Jessa is particularly bossy, and Ben is particularly servile, so I guess they’re the perfect match. “He’s always like, yes, how would you like to have that done,” beams Jessa.
There’s some discussion of how Jill will emotionally transition to life with just one other person in the house, which is a fair question to ask. However, the conversation never gets more deep than wondering if she’ll prepare nine times too much food, so it’s as pointless as anything else on the show.
We never get to see the “after” shots of what the furniture looks like in the house—or even what the furniture looks like at all—so if you’re somehow emotionally invested in the happenings of the episode so far, you can go fuck yourself, no payoff for you.
Instead, we watch one of the younger boys, let’s call him Jackalope, help Derick place the new mailbox into a hole filled with cement. I guess that’s the finishing touch because we move on to…
SIX DAYS BEFORE THE WEDDING
Momma Duggar is helping the youngest kids reenact Derick popping the question to Jill for a video that’ll be played at the rehearsal dinner. Apparently the kids did something similar in skit form for eldest son Josh’s rehearsal dinner, and it was a hit so they’re turning it into a Duggar tradition.
We sit through an extended montage of the actual event, then it’s the kids turn. Momma Duggar picks a girl and a boy—we’ll call them Jellybean and Jerseyshore—to play the happy couple. She has to warn them not to hold hands because she might get pregnant the people they’re playing are not engaged at this point in the story. Another boy is chosen to play the douchey songwriter who Derick got to serenade Jill with an astonishingly literal play-by-play of their entire relationship. And four-year-old Josie is chosen to play the cop who ironically tried to block Jill and Derick from entering the park where he was going to propose because the area was cordoned off to shoot an episode of 19 Kids & Counting.
And dammit if the whole thing wasn’t just as cute as can be, especially Josie throwing herself into the role by throwing shit at “Jill” and “Derick” to keep them out of the park.
FIVE DAYS BEFORE THE WEDDING
Jill picks up Josh, his wife Anna, and their three young kids from the airport. Everybody hugs and is excited. Jill drives them home to the Duggar homestead were there are more hugs and excitement. Apparently the takes up an entire day because now we’re…
FOUR DAYS BEFORE THE WEDDING
Josh and next eldest son John-David are looking for a “getaway car” for Jill and Derick to leave in after the reception. They visit the used car lot where Josh used to work and settle on a shiny, vintage, refurbished, black pickup truck. Apparently the pickings were slim.
THREE DAYS BEFORE THE WEDDING
Jessa and the older girls put art on the walls of Jill and Derick’s new/temporary home. Even the show’s editors must have been bored with this crap because we’re quickly…
TWO DAYS BEFORE THE WEDDING
All the ovary-possessing Duggars go out for manicures, but there are so many of them that the one manicurist simply gives them instructions on how to clean and prep their own damn nails. Also, they’re not doing traditional nail polish but something called nail wraps, which seem to be like stickers for your fingers. The stickers all have different patterns, and I shit you not—Momma Duggar picks ten different patterns, one for each nail. There’s polka-dots, there’s sprinkles, there’s lace. Even the youngest of the girls present has the good sense and style to simply pick the wedding color (a blue-green toothpaste) for her nails, but Momma dolls herself up like the six-year-old she is inside.
Next, it’s time for sister-in-law Anna to try on her bridesmaid’s dress, which she hasn’t had a chance to do before because 24-year-old Jana has been hand-sewing on sleeves and raising the necklines of all the dresses because THEY ARE NOT WHORES. The result is an oversized pillowcase but everyone is polite and pretends to like it.
While all this is going on, Jill is apparently off camera somewhere packing up all her clothes. Some of the sisters are bummed because they all share outfits. Don’t worry, Anna tells the other girls, Jill will be bringing those clothes back here in “four or five months” because they won’t be fitting her anymore, wink, wink, if you get what she’s saying.
PREGNANT. She’s saying Jill will be pregnant. Because what else is a 23-year-old newlywed woman going to with her time/life.
Episodes 7-8: (INCOMPLETE)