19 Kids And Counting Recap: Jessa Duggar Goes A-Courtin'

We’re not really sure what we did to the Editrix to have been stuck recapping Sister Wives, but now we’ve clearly done something worse, because she’s assigned us the Duggar family show, “19 Kids and Counting.” There have been seven previous seasons of this thing. Is America’s appetite for the stylings of this clown car vagina-driven family that great? Apparently! So let’s do this, even though we are doing it under protest.

SPOILER ALERT: There is literally no way on god’s green earth that we will learn the names of all these children. Hell, in “Sister Wives” we couldn’t even learn Nickelback’s name. (His name was “Nickelback.”)

It’s a very exciting time in the Duggar household! We know because Mama Michelle starts the episode by telling us that, in those exact words. Show, you might be setting people’s expectations a wee bit too high.

One of the children, Jessa, is courting with someone named Ben.

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Let us take a moment to point out that Jessa is 20 and should be out at TGIFriday’s using her fake ID, going to a rave, listening to hippity-hop or doing cocaine or other things that normal 20-year-olds do, but instead she is stuck in this hell where she has to date this doofus who doesn’t know what knot to use on a tie.

This is the first Duggar lady child to pursue a courtship. The older Duggar dudes have courted ladies, but Daddy Jim Bob tells us that lady daughters have more emotions and that of course the boys that the daughters want to date must first go hang out with Jim Bob to see if they are acceptable enough and amenable enough to the idea of making their wife bear one trillion children, for Jesus.

Did you know the Duggars live in some sort of enormous gated community thing where potential boyfriends have to drive through a gate and talk into one of those little boxes that only the startlingly rich have, usually in movies? Now you do!

Also, did you know the show has helpful text overlays of fun facts about the Duggars?

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Now you do! Yes, the kids can’t text without looping Duggar Mom and Dad in as well. Good god.

When Ben gets to the house, he has to go beg Jim Bob and Michelle as to whether he can make it an official courtship, which he does BEFORE asking Jessa. Up until then they’ve only been texting. For five months. And Jessa feels like she knew the courtship ask was coming, but it is very soon. We don’t think we ever even had a relationship that lasted five months at that age, and we certainly didn’t have one that took more than about 10 minutes to set up.

He asks for her hand in courtship bliss while crammed into a utility room of some sort, or maybe Jim Bob’s home office. Tres romantic.

Oh god and they can only give side hugs, because they are Christian.

Jim Bob explains that the side hug is when you hug people from the side instead of the front. Jim Bob is one smart dude. After the side hug, everyone circles up to pray.

Now it is time for a montage of great Jessa moments over the years. This is when we’re going to do a couple shots to get us through the rest of this. Please note that it is 8 in the morning, and we DGAF. You do what you gotta do to get through.

Oh Jesus we did not know (or we blocked out) that all of the children’s names begin with “J,” which means there are tortured spellings like “Jinger.”

After the big courtship huddle in the laundry room or whatever, now Ben and Jessa have to go announce the courtship to the whole clan while all the other children look on in what is really an unwarranted level of excitement. We have never seen so many small blonde children in one room together. It’s like Children of the Corn.

Courting means no kissing, no handholding, and no hands on at all. Courting sounds terrible.

The privilege of courting means that instead of hanging out with Jessa, Ben gets to help with manly family projects like cleaning up a giant felled tree in the Duggar yard.

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Duggar dad, first of all you have a giant compound and we are sure you have servants for that shit. Next, you have like eleventy sons to help you do this, so this is just some bullshit character test for Ben.

The brothers are already taunting Ben about how he maybe won’t be able to support Jessa because his job is restoring auto glass and that’s not enough. The smug pig-faced older boys also explain that they are “good at their job” because another sister is 24 and is not yet married. We thought that Jim Bob would be the most repulsive man on this show, but pigboys bragging about cockblocking their sister from dating is up there for creepy and bad.

Mama Michelle is certain that now Jessa is courting, she will want to cook more, presumably so she can continue to keep Ben around, since she can’t do it via hot outfits or promises of a blow job if he watches a chick flick with her first.

Now it is time to go over the courtship rules AGAIN. No kissing, no handholding, no unchaperoned dates. You save your first kiss for marriage. Jesus. WE GET IT DUGGARS.

After Ben goes out and does manly tree-helping projects, he is rewarded with getting the opportunity to pray with the Duggars. Then he gets to eat food off of paper plates with plastic silverware and styrofoam cups. Man, if the Duggars do that for every meal, they are singlehandedly destroying the planet. Oh, Ben also has to name all the Duggar children in birth order, because this is a thing Jim Bob makes everyone who is trying to become a Duggar dater do. This is fucking ridiculous.

Now we have to interview all the younger children about what they think courting is and whether they knew the Ben-Jessa (Bessa?) courtship was imminent.

Field trip with Michelle and Jessa to go to Hot Springs to see Ben and his family, but first a montage of what Jessa will wear.

One of the million children has a pilot’s license, so he is going to fly the ladies down to see Ben. So we get to watch the plane take off and land and an interview with pilot boy, which, let us tell you, is RIVETING.

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Observational note: the girls in this family are MUCH more attractive than the boys.

Ben has a truck with just a front seat, so Michelle plants herself between Jessa and Ben so that they can’t accidentally touch.

Time for more interviews with the younger children. They like Ben! He is a good guy! You guys, this is just like watching “The Wire” or “The Sopranos.” Must see teevee.

Time to meet Ben’s family. They only have a mere seven children. Pikers. And now, of course, we have to montage interview all of Ben’s siblings to see what THEY think of Jessa. These people live 200 miles away from each other.

Meanwhile, Jim Bob is stuck with the other gazillion kids, and we get a taste of his really refined parenting skills vis-a-vis girls, such as his trying to comb his daughter’s hair by pawing at her head like a bear.

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He whines about how it is very difficult to get the children ready when Michelle is not there. Suck it, dude. You’re the one that wanted a million children.

Oh for fuck’s sake, Jim Bob takes all the kids to a “kids eat free” pizza joint, and since the policy is one kid/adult, they declare all the older siblings adults so that a whole bunch of them can grift their pizza for free.

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This is how rich people stay rich, dudes.

They clearly think this is a cool selling point. It takes a fucking village to raise the Duggars. We’re sure that the minimum wage person stuck working at the counter was happy to see these fucks come in WITH A CAMERA CREW and then nickel and dime the pizza place and make it complicated for the counter girl to sort out who pays what.

Now Jim Bob gets to quiz all the children directly about what they think about Ben. We’ve never had to listen to the romantic opinions of five-year-olds so much in our entire lives.

Ben’s parents take Ben and Jessa to an actual restaurant with cloth napkins. Go Ben’s parents. Now Ben’s dad can quiz Jessa about whether she knew Ben was THE ONE when they met at the homeschool conference. Courtship involves SO MUCH TALKING. Guess you need something to fill the time when you’re not allowed to fuck. They also have to discuss who is more blessed — Ben or Jessa — over this relationship. Fascinating.

Now let’s ask all the smaller children if they want to get married! Some do! Someday! Some do not! This show is impressive in its ability to stretch about 20 actual minutes of content into a 45 minute show by doing these little children quiz montages.

Time for Ben’s extended family to meet Jessa and Michelle. It’s enormous because all of these people are very fecund. Everyone has at least 6 children. We don’t even KNOW as many people as these people are related to.

Now Jim Bob is pressuring Jessa to decide where they would live if she and Ben got married. Jim Bob votes that Ben relocate to live near the Duggars, because there will probably be wedding bells in a few months! Wait, we thought this was a slow procedure? Or do you just hang out and side hug and then one day you get married?

Next week, a double date with Jim Bob and Michelle and Ben and Jessa. We can’t think of anything more awful, but we’re still going to have to watch it.

One Million Children and We Will Kill Ourselves airs on TLC Tuesdays 9/8 central.

TV Show: 19 Kids and Counting

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  • Fitzgerald Chesterfield

    That side hugging business gets the boy dangerously close to touching some sideboob.

    • BaldarTFlagass

      If only the parents had tried more side-hugging and less front-fucking.

    • Joseph

      That’s the point! I can tell you taht most boys taht age cannot get within two feet of good set of knockers with out a lunging grasp. I read that somewhere.

  • Dragoon21b

    This isn’t a family…it’s institutionalized child abuse with a side order of stalking and a psychosis shake

  • Fitzgerald Chesterfield

    These kids need something like the Amish rumspringa

    • Arcturus

      Or the Vulcan Amok Time.

      • leemoder

        Or to be dropped on an island Battle Royale-style.

  • glasspusher

    I hate people.

    • elvigy

      So so much. This show, or more accurately, the fact that this show was not run off of TV by a mob, with pitchforks, the first time it aired really really depresses me.

  • hdtex

    The entire clan should be forcibly spayed and neutered.

  • Daniel P

    Can we just fuel air bomb the Duggar compound and get this over with?

    • willi0000000

      nuke it from orbit![it’s the only way to be sure]

  • glasspusher

    True story- my oldest niece and her husband kissed for the first time at the altar.

    • Joseph

      That’s just depressing.

  • Sam

    OMG, look at the gunz on Ben. I would totally hatefuck him. For Jesus.

  • Red_cted

    The knot in his tie is a “Full Windsor”. On Casual Friday he ties in in a “Half Windsor”. TLC used to be short for The Learning Channel. Now it is short for The Looney Channel.

    • Joseph

      A full Windsor uses a full 7 feet of tie especially if it is a padded polyester tie.

  • JParkerSD46

    Dear Lisa: you are obviously going to the Happy Nice Time place in the sky someday because you have been made to suffer the hell of the Duggar douches here on earth. From those of us who benefit from this by enjoying the hi-larity of the program without having to actually watch it, I thank you.

  • BaldarTFlagass

    I think it would take less time for me to just watch the episode than to read the summary.

  • Camacho/Trump 2016!!

    Dry humping is way easier to do on a sidehug.Also, the fucking guy’s name is “Jim Bob”?

    • Red_cted

      At least it’s not Bojangles.

    • Gotta Love Them Thar Duggars!

      I dunno if Jim Bob is much of a “fucking guy” per se–more like “Plow ‘er & git ‘er done, esp if she’s just finished up her ‘monthly’–then it’s 15 seconds tops, if that”. (Although with any luck, Michelle will hit menopause soon, putting the kibosh on the future defective Duggar line & the three miscarriages [so far!])

  • AnOuthouse

    None of this would have happened if texting had not been invented,

  • nmmagyar

    Wasn’t it dangerous for Ben to sit next to Michelle? She (allegedly) can get pregnant if someone sneezes in the same room…

    • Kay

      I KNOW!!! They think Jessa and Ben sitting together is bad, I think it’s WAY more inapprops for Michelle, a middle aged married woman, to be pressed up against a teenage boy!!! (Ben is quite a bit younger than Jessa.)I have to admit, I love this show (at least since Anna married into the family and the older girls started courting.) Call me lame if you must.

  • Debra Kay

    If it’s half as repulsive as you make it sound, I’m glad I’ve managed to never see even a millisecond of it. I am rather troubled at the high value they place on virgin girls. What happens to Jessa’s worth as a woman if she is raped?

    • Joseph

      Depends. Was it a side rape, a legitimate rape or an illegitimate rape?

      • leemoder

        Maybe it was Immaculate Conception. Then it’s totes cool.

  • ryp

    I’m sure Ben has made the calculation that this tightly controlled courtship will be worth it for a wife who will think it’s her marital duty to spread her legs every time he has the urge.

  • Can you make a sidehug animated gif? On the one hand, I kinda wanna know how that works. On the other hand, no way in haaaayyylll am I watching that shiznit.

    • MaxUdargo

      In my experience, and it has been a while since I’ve hugged a good Christian girl, it was more of an awkward shoulder-to-shoulder hug. She leans in from the front, but bends from the waist at a steep angle, to embrace you with one arm and press only her shoulders against yours. The point is not to allow any contact with her breasts. Because if this expression of warmth and affection were accompanied by any pleasure on your part at feeling a woman’s bosom pressed against you, it would be filthy and disgusting and shameful.

      • Red_cted

        I can’t even picture that. And I have seen Cirque du Soleil. The good Christian girl I once dated would do absolutely *anything* that didn’t involve long bits going into moist bits.

  • leemoder

    How long til the molecular bonds that separate all this inbred DNA finally break down and all the Duggars recombine into a massive Akira-like flesh mountain that takes over whatever Dogpatch they breed in; and we are forced to flash freeze the mess and drop it at the Arctic…uh, the Antar…oh, we are fucked!

    • thepoliticalcat

      I would like to subscribe to your magazine.

  • John

    I read through all of this and now my eyes are bleeding, thank you very much! How did you stand watching it and listening to it?

  • docterry6973

    I don’t care about the Duggars even though they are very happy and have nice times.Maybe you should bring some Thai food to the chat cave and Editrix will give this crap to Doc.

  • splashy79

    I feel so sorry for these kids. It can’t be a good situation to be one of so many.

    • malsperanza

      Safety in numbers, though.

  • dimplasm

    Saw this herd at Silver Dollar City one time. All dressed the same, like some kind of crazy cult. Jim Bob was running for office at the time, so Stepford Michele was campaigning for him. Problem was, Silver Dollar City is in Missouri and nobody wanted to hear her wild eyed shit. Creepy, creepy bunch. Children strung out all over the park, no one watching them. I cannot convey in ordinary words how creepy this bunch is.

  • old_redneck

    How are they going to ‘splain it when Jessa gets knocked up? You know, like the Virgin Bristol Palin.

  • axonneuron

    I think I saw this family in an old Law and Order episode, something about extreme emotional abuse.

  • thepoliticalcat

    Wow. The Editrix is CRUEL. Sorry, babes. I’ll lift a glass for ya.

  • Shannon Martinez

    I feel bad for the Duggar girls with this crazy system micromanaging their lives and I’d lose my shit not having a bit of privacy. I don’t know how she does it. And I text my mom but she doesn’t read every damn txt I send.

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