19 Kids And Counting Recap: We Watched A Homeschool Graduation Ceremony For You People

Oh god remember last week on Duggar Family Funtime aka 19 Kids and Counting we had to go watch a quiverfull wedding? This week we have to go to a quiverfull graduation. Truly we have done terrible things in our lives, but nothing that warrants this.

Josiah is graduating! We have no idea which one Josiah is. But first we have to watch the chaos that is the Duggar clan returning from last week’s trip to the Bates wedding. Need a factoid on how depressing it is to come home if you are a Duggar?

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Apparently 200 or 300 or 400 people have been invited by Josiah. That is a really big fucking range to plan for. We realized that each family has like 20 people, but you’d think they could get a little clearer in terms of who might show up.

We still don’t know which one Josiah is, mainly because they’re busy interviewing all the other kids about how great Josiah is. Takeaway: Josiah is great because he always has candy. No, really. That’s his thing, basically. Well, we all need a special talent.

Let’s go visit Josh and Anna in DC, where they also have children with stupid misspelled names!

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The Duggar clan is going to go visit Anna and Josh so that she can cook for 25 people. Lucky!! To solve this, she’s going to go to the store and buy as much pre-made stuff as possible. Delish! Seriously, we’d just have that shit catered. Also too she doesn’t know how to cook a turkey. is there a hilarious cooking disaster in our future? Probably!

Oh. This one is Josiah.

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We can safely say we don’t remember a thing about this kid, and we certainly don’t recall him ever giving us candy.

Now it is time to sing an ode to the joy of homeschooling! It is special! They learn things. And they go on trips. You heathens trapped in public schools probably do not learn things or go on any trips so you are dumb.

We forgot that Jill is dating someone named Derick that lives in Nepal and soon Mom and Dad Duggar and Jill will go finally meet her internet crush. But for right now, they have some very spiffy cups to show their love for one another, so that’s something.

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Graduation! Josiah has gone with a very daring lavender shirt. It isn’t a good look for a boy quite that translucent. He also gets a very special certificate to show he graduated from pretend homeschool school.

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Now that Josiah is graduated and all grown up, he’s going to go to something called the ALERT Academy, which holy crap is like a made-up paramilitary search and rescue roleplay thing for Christian kids.

ALERT is dedicated to service. ALERT men respond to disasters, support communities, and provide humanitarian aid in thirty-three states and in countries around the world. ALERT also does land and water search and recoveries and evidence searches.

There’s some awfully spiffy pix of Christian kids in costume uniform over at the ALERT site.

19 Kids And Counting Recap: We Watched A Homeschool Graduation Ceremony For You People

Dress up is fun, even for boys!

Back to Anna’s grocery shopping trip extravaganza. She’s trying to figure out which turkey to buy. Anna, you have purchased one medium-sized turkey. That is not enough turkey for 25 people.

Also, Anna has decided that they should clean out one of their bedrooms that is now a junk storage room and get it painted and renovated as a bedroom before the Duggars arrive in 36 hours. This is a requirement of reality shows, right? You have to make these absurdly large plans on absurdly small timetables so that you can have a charming disaster?

In keeping with this requirement, the Duggar Clan Writ Large will now be arriving a day early, because 21-person families totally just drop in on other parts of the fambly no problem.

Seriously, this is the turkey for 25 people. That is some stingy-ass turkey serving, people.

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Now it is time to watch some really bland cooking. Green beans in creamy sauce! Other unidentified thing in creamy sauce! This is the palest meal ever.

So now the scrum of Duggars is arriving early because they drove all night to avoid bad weather and the food will not be ready or maybe the food will be ready. People, this is not how turkey cooking works. You can’t just speed it up and suddenly move it like a whole day ahead in the process. Even we know that. Lumpy Duggar son Josh is confused and displeased.

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Now Josh has to finish the room remodel in a few hours instead of a few days. Wife Anna wants it done because she wants to create a quiet romantic space for Mommy and Daddy Duggar. People, when your parents come to visit, is the first thing you think of “I would like my parents to stay under my roof and also too have romantic fun times”? NO IT IS NOT.

Besides building Sexy Mommy Daddy Duggar Getaway, Josh and some random friend who wanted to be on camera are also putting together a bunk bed for the kids. Guys, you realize this covers only two children of 19, right?

Now we have a super fast cooking montage, because even this show isn’t going to make us watch Duggar Junior Wife cook for 4 hours. Right as she burns something in the oven and the entire house fills with smoke, the Duggar clan arrives. And then the episode ends.

CLIFFHANGER. You’ll have to tune in next week to see what happens next. Haha you people are not watching this, you are just reading about ME being stuck watching this. Jerks.

Keep up in the archives

19 Kids and Counting Season Eight Episode One

19 Kids and Counting Season Eight Episode Two

19 Kids and Counting Season Eight Episode Three

19 Kids and Counting Season Eight Episode Four

TV Show: 19 Kids and Counting

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  • beautifulmutant

    Seriously, Lisa, reading your recaps of terrible television is better than watching infomercials for terrible music (which, to be clear, is something i LOVE, no lie). Thank you for your suffering.

    • Daniel P

      Is that Freedom Rock? Well TURN IT UP!

  • doingthis1moretime

    I often wonder, by often, when reading your updates. How many drugs the women are on just to get through a day of all those fucking kids.

    • So much Mother’s Little Helper as to be unbelievable.

  • EricPoole

    Good stuff, but just one minor quibble. As a retired rugby player, I’m compelled to point out that “scrum” is not the correct term for a disorganized pileup of humanity. You’re talking about a ruck.This message brought to you by the Committee to End Incorrect Use of the word “Scrum.”

    • I will keep this in mind for future use. I have no intent whatsoever to disparage rugby or rugby players, as that seems…unwise.

    • Guest

      I think she meant “scrotum.”

    • BaldarTFlagass

      I think she meant “scrotum.” Like a gaggle of geese; a scrotum of Duggars.

  • resolvedwaldron

    Wow, a turkey of a show, indeed.

  • Karlew

    Why would we ever watch this when you recaps so so great?

  • Shouldn’t we be wondering which one (or two) of them is gay? That’s about the most interesting thing I can think of about this umm … show … err … family … err … disaster

  • hrdkc

    ALERT is totes not a gay camp. No homosex going on there. No siree.

  • BaldarTFlagass

    The pilot that flew the plane from Heartland USA to Kathmandu, as shown on the coffee cups, must have been drunk as hell.

  • Haribo Lector

    At first I wondered how a homeschooled douchebag like a Duggar knows 400 people, but then it occurred to me that that’s only like three families in their world.

  • BruceMcGlory

    “Haha you people are not watching this, you are just reading about ME being stuck watching this. Jerks.”Yes, yes I am. Because why should we all suffer for our daily does of secular schadenfreude?

  • glennisw

    Oh boy! I wonder if she’s going to roast and carve the turkey upside down like Sister Sarah Palin did this Thanksgiving?

  • GGP

    I think of them as “The Christian Grifters.” …and…Did anyone ever see Michelle actually holding a toddler?

  • bumfug

    Coming soon – Josiah gets a place of his own to make lots more kids like him.

  • JParkerSD46

    Oh, Lisa, of course we are watching it. We would feel just horrible if we couldn’t share this delight with you. Wait…is Real Housewives of Somewhere on? Gotta go. P.S. Lisa, you’re still a saint and your reward in Skyville will be vast for the suffering you endure for us.

  • JParkerSD46

    By the way, what the flip is ALERT boy on the right holding with such a gleeful smile? Is part of their “service” being good guys with guns???

  • james_nasium

    Why does the one kid have an axe when the kid with the assault rifle can go all Pretorius on doors ‘n stuff?

  • james_nasium

    Oops, sorry – Pissed-orius.