19 Kids and Counting: You guys, there was a full-frontal hug!
Man, we were really hoping that since every other show on earth seemed to take Memorial Day weekend off, we’d be spared the Duggars, but then we remembered that since this season of “19 Kids and Counting” was filmed months ago, we’re stuck watching it again this week.
Jesus, we’re going to hear that introduction of all twelve thousand children in our nightmares.
The Duggars went to a high-risk pregnancy doctor to get some bloodwork done to see if Jesus wants to give them more babbies. Answer: reply hazy try again. The bloodwork basically says that it isn’t impossible, but it is unlikely, so you just know Daddy Duggar will keep plowing away trying to make more little Duggars.
Have we mentioned how freaked out we are each time Mom Duggar says she wants to have a baby to hold it and love on it? Somehow it makes us think of Of Mice and Men. Creepy.
Derick is coming home, so the entire Duggar clan has been pressed into making a banner for him. Everyone is super excited! Let’s ask all the children about how they feel! One of the random little ones — Jason? Jayson? — is sad because all Jill ever talks about is Derick Derick Derick.
Here is your first hellish Duggar factoid of the day.
That’s like eight? ten? eleventy? people in under 1000 square feet? That’s tenement style living right there.
It takes approximately 60 hours to wrangle all the children into the cargo vans or whatever the hell it is that transports the Duggars somewhere. They have to count once they get in the car to make sure they have everyone. THIS IS SO FUCKED UP.
Also, couldn’t Derick just meet all the Duggars by coming over to the house after he’s back and settled? Does he really need the full onslaught of double-digit Duggars when he’s just gotten done flying like 20 hours? Would you want a camera crew and your significant other’s entire family accosting you when you landed?
Seriously, Derick looks like hell, which is how everyone looks after flying halfway around the world.
OH MY GOD YOU GUYS THEY FRONT HUGGED.
Mom Duggar simpers that such a thing will not happen again. All the girls weigh in on how a side/front hug is sort of acceptable because they haven’t seen each other in so long. WRONG! They’re both going to burn in hell, for sure.
Oh hey remember the dinner theater planning! Yeah, we’d forgotten too. There will be skits! And a movie! Sweet Jesus on a stick.
The little children are going to sing a song, which apparently requires the assistance of Cousin Amy, who is a singer and performer of some sort. Cousin Amy leads the children through a rousing — did we say rousing? we meant desultory — round of “Jesus Loves Me.” Jesus clearly doesn’t love us, since He is making us watch this. Once they’re allowed to stand they really belt it out, which means we hear snippets of the song one million times. None of these kids should quit their day jobs to sing.
Mom Duggar has planned a triple date for Ben and Jessa, Derick and Jill, and Mom and Dad Duggar. Christ, we cannot think of anything creepier than going on a date with our parents as the other half of the double date.
Oh man this is a sea of ill-fitting suits.
Doesn’t Jim Bob have a million dollars or so? Can’t he afford a suit that fits in the shoulders?
So the big surprise of the date is that it is a dinner where they will learn dinner etiquette. We are overwhelmed with thinking about how fun a date that would be. Especially with our parents. So dinner seems to be at a private house, hosted by a woman who is toting a dog around underneath her arm like it’s a fucking handbag.
The dog is named after George W. Bush. Not even kidding.
So this very Southern lady is going to yell at all of these people about how to use their forks and how to eat soup and we are going to watch. Ben decides he wants to make a toast to Jessa. His first attempt at a toast is “A Toast!” Southern lady tells him you have to toast to something, so he switches it to “A Toast! To Love!” Get this boy some Dale Carnegie public speaking lessons.
More dinner theater planning, which actually includes BUILDING A STAGE. It also includes the girl Duggars reading the ingredient list for apple pie. Riveting.
Also riveting: Ben and Derick explaining how they met their special ladies. Ben at church, Derick after he becamse Daddy’s prayer partner. Ben challenges Derick to a race to see who gets across the marriage finish line first, because that is a great way to think about marriage.
Jessa is very distraught about her crumbling pie crust! But Ben to the rescue! He leans over her telling her how cute she is with flour on her hands. Silver-tongued devil.
There are not one, but TWO harps at Duggar Dinner Theater.
Two harps seems excessive, even for the Duggars, but it’s far better than the skits. And the skits are far better than yet another yelling rendition of “Jesus Loves Me.”
Daddy proceeds to complain about how the steak his children cooked him is tough and can’t even be saved with steak sauce. Daddy, you’re a dick.
This is probably the last time they can do such a gathering of a clump of Duggars, because soon the Duggar girls will go off and get married, even though no one has actually asked anyone to marry them, but the “next week on the Duggars” thing is nothing but one long spoiler where you learn that Derick asks Jill for her hand. Jeez, show, way to ruin the suspense. Now we have no reason to tune in, except for the part where it is our job to tune in. Sigh.