19 Kids And Counting: Jessa's In The Kitchen But Not Yet Barefoot Or Pregnant

Last week was a verrrry exciting week on 19 Kids and Counting, as Jill is gonna get her courtship on with Derick. Gonna be so much sidehugging up in here!

Let’s kick things off with another really clunky thing where Mom joins one of her children for a 15-minute bonding experience over one of their boring hobbies. Don’t get us wrong — we get how complicated it is to schedule hobby-bonding time with eleventy children, but the whole thing is pathetic and forced, even for a reality show, which is saying something.

Joy Anna plays violin. Have we ever seen Joy Anna do anything before? We have no idea. Oh god they’re screeching their way through “Amazing Grace.”

19 Kids And Counting: Jessa's In The Kitchen But Not Yet Barefoot Or Pregnant

It sounds like an alley full of yowling cats. Yowling dying cats. After one flail through the song, bonding time is done, thank god.

God, this dinner theater idea is a looming horror that is casting a pall over our entire existence. We experience a gut-churning dread just thinking about all one thousand Duggars showing off their special talents. There’s going to be a skit and poems and a harp and a song and the small children do not wish to sing a song. They wish to roll on the floor and squirm, because that is what kids want to do. Thankfully, we do not return to this idea for the rest of the episode.

Jessa is going to visit Ben’s family! We’d sort of forgotten about Jessa and Ben, because we’ve been so focused on Daddy Duggar’s trip to Nepal to meet Derick. Jessa is going to learn how to cook Ben’s favorite foods so that she can feed them to him when he gets home from work and he can grade her on her cooking skills. Yep, she really says that. Dream big, Jessa.

Wait, so another child, Jinger, has to go with to supervise Jessa? Isn’t the fact that she’s staying WITH BEN’S FAMILY enough supervision? How much added protection from possible contact do these people need?

Daddy Duggar explains how if you get closer emotionally, you will want to get closer physically, so in order to not be a sinful toucher, you need a sibling just lurking around the whole time. Listening to Daddy Duggar talk about sexual attraction is literally the worst thing on earth.

Here are Ben’s sisters! They have the same creepy sameness about them as do the Duggar children. Must be some sort of multiple-child breeding thing.

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Ben loves fettuccine alfredo with chicken and apple pie with ice cream. Ben has some very bland taste buds, apparently.

Mommy Duggar gives a really really weird speech about how you shouldn’t expect things in relationships because expectations ruin relationships, so Ben should expect a home-cooked meal every night but probably will not get one. Got it.

Josh and Anna are taking their children skiing, and we get a helpful factoid that it takes a while to get small children dressed in winter gear. WHO KNEW? Anna has never been skiing, which allows Josh to be kind of a smug dick about the whole thing and to drag his spawn around in the snow.

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Back to cooking time! Many shots of raw chicken and uncooked pasta. MUST SEE TEEVEE. Jessa learns all Ben’s secrets from his sisters, which consist of “Ben snores” and “Ben is methodical.” These are not secrets under any definition of the term. Cooking time is also a time for Ben’s sisters to corner Jessa and ask how the courtship is going, because that is the only thing anyone ever talks about on this show. We just cannot imagine having every family gathering dominated by siblings and parents lurching over to say “how is your dating life? Do you like dating? How is dating? Do you have any more news about dating? No wait, let’s talk about how your dating is going!” At some point you probably want to talk about the weather or watching paint dry because both of those things are more interesting than the courtship discussion. Also, you people NEVER LET THEM BE ALONE TOGETHER, so the asking after how things are going seems superfluous as you can pretty much just hang out and watch them and see what’s what.

More wacky footage of how Anna can’t ski and falls down a lot.

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You do all realize that but for the creepy breeding things these people do, they are the most boring people on earth, right?

Ben gets home with a dozen red roses for Jessa because Ben has no imagination. Also, they now get to say “I love you” over and over because that is within the courtship rules. It’s also OK to just stand around in the kitchen and say “I love watching you cook, Jessa” in the same tone of voice most people would use to say “I love sucking your cock” or something similar. So. Much. Repression.

He also waxes poetic about how great she looks in an apron. He then says the meal was awesome, and the apple pie was awesome, and Jessa was awesome. Vocabulary and self-expression are not really hallmarks of Ben’s personality.

The episode ends, and we realize we’ve not heard hide nor hair from Jill this episode. Did Daddy Duggar just abandon her in Nepal or something? Christ, we’re going to have to watch the next episode to find out.

Catch up in the archives

19 Kids and Counting Season Eight Episode One
19 Kids and Counting Season Eight Episode Two
19 Kids and Counting Season Eight Episode Three
19 Kids and Counting Season Eight Episode Four
19 Kids and Counting Season Eight Episode Five
19 Kids and Counting Season Eight Episode Six
19 Kids and Counting Season Eight Episode Seven
19 Kids and Counting Season Eight Episode Eight

TV Show: 19 Kids and Counting

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  • Paul Dietzel

    So one time Katie Couric must have been doing penance for something and had to do a segment on these bozos she was reading down through all 19 of their “J-Names” and when she got to “Jinger” she pronounced it “Jing-er” before coming to her senses and correcting it to “Gin-ger” and Momma Duggar and all the little Duggar’s laughed and everybody had a fun time. (BTW, Gin-ger would be a great name in the Noonan household). But anyhoo this was well before ’08 so Momma Duggar never had an opportunity to give a clever “All of ’em Katie” response to any of Katie’s queries.

    • Fitzgerald Chesterfield

      They’ve been in the public eye that long?

      • Paul Dietzel

        Oops, according to Wiki the show debuted ( as “17 Kids and Counting” – later “18 Kids . . . “, still later “19 Kids” ) on Sep 29 ’08 so I guess it was right around the same time as Katie’s interview with Snowbilly. Poor Katie, having to deal with all that derp all at practically the same time – CBS must have been really pissed at her for something.

        • Fitzgerald Chesterfield

          Still seems like too long

  • dimplasm

    Creepiest, most boring bunch of Yahoos ever.

  • Leema Raven

    Cow-eyes.

  • BMW

    *reads to part about Jessa cooking for her boyfriend*19 Kids and Counting? More like “19th Century and Counting.” Amiright?*rimshot*

  • BMW

    It’s also OK to just stand around in the kitchen and say “I love watching you cook, Jessa” in the same tone of voice most people would use to say “I love sucking your cock” or something similar. It occurs to me that sucking cock is probably forbidden, even after marriage, because you can’t get a face pregnant.

    • Haribo Lector

      Well you certainly can’t with that defeatist attitude.

  • Haribo Lector

    The sister Danielle looks kind of like she might be the black sheep of the family, what with her flannel shirt and her curly hair and her natural sneer of derision. She probably watched MTV once. I wouldn’t put it past her. I wouldn’t be surprised if it turned out she watch an episode of Daria.

  • doingthis1moretime

    A really good way for Jesisfer (or what ever the fuck her name is ) to know if ben snored, is if she fucked him and found out he’s a 2 pump chump who only cares about gettin his. For the love fuck RUN violin girl RUN! You just might get away with all the chaos of the forevorty children that clown car of a uterus has sprung forth.

  • TJ Barke

    Ben sounds like a fucking putz. And since women don’t need orgasms to get pregnant, Jenna is likely headed for one hell of a depressing life.

  • Shannon Martinez

    Way to be boring Ben. Run like hell Jessa.

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