19 Kids and Counting: A brand new sex scandal & other lesser happenings
Sex scandals! Groveling for money! Humiliating media interviews! Desperate attempts to regain the spotlight! More sex scandals! What cruel irony is it that the Duggars are finally worthy of their own reality TV show only now that they don’t have one anymore?
The Duggar clan has busier this past week than we saw in 15 bazillion seasons of 19 Kids & Counting. Let’s recap, shall we?
We begin with the most likable—read: attractive—of Duggar children finding their way into the TLC spotlight once again, if only for a few moments. Jill and Jessa will appear on a one-hour, commercial-free television event that is easily the most crass, exploitive, opportunistic attempt to capitalize on bad press since the Donald Trump last spoke aloud.
Airing Sunday, August 30, Breaking the Silence will feature various survivors of child sexual abuse genuinely attempting to educate adults about how to protect children and support victims… all of which will be entirely drowned out by OMG WHEN ARE JILL AND JESSA GOING TO BE ON mania.
Of course, TLC wouldn’t have it any other way. Why else would they choose a couple of religiously extreme, gleefully oppressed, procreation-obsessed young wives to offer as role models to the exploited and abused children of America? Why else would they let an hour of survivor stories get mixed up with—and overshadowed by—a family that famously minimized and excused sexual abuse with a shrug?
Don’t expect any courageous, heartfelt moments from the sisters. They’re not here to help with anything but the publicity (specifically their own). All Jill and Jessa will do is sit in on a class teaching adults to recognize and respond to signs of child abuse. It’s a bit tangential to their family’s experience, to be sure. Unless you can throw in their parents and maybe a time machine. Then you’ve really got something.
But at least Jill and Jessa get to be on TV. Oh, how they must miss it. Jessa, especially. Why, she won’t even get her own hour-long special when she gives birth like big sis did! People magazine says Jessa is quite jealous. The next season was supposed to be her turn in the spotlight. We can only assume she didn’t quite pray hard enough.
Maybe that’s why Ma and Pa Duggar posted their much-mocked plea for donations: they just wanted to give Jessa the full camera-crew treatment throughout her pregnancy and childbirth. Who could blame a pair of loving parents for that?
Where the $25 million a year the family earned from TLC went is none of our business. Quit being nosy and throw some money in their direction. Without your contribution, there’ll be absolutely nothing special about the day Jessa gives birth to her first child.
Alas, the plea for money was quickly deleted. Without a camera crew, Jessa and Ben are stuck blogging for attention, which is about as desperate and lowly as you can get, believe you me. They want you to guess what their baby’s going to be. I’m hoping it’s a panda. That’ll put Jill and stupid baby Israel in their place. A reality show on NatGeo is sure to follow.
Jill and hubby Derick made a brief pit stop back in U.S. this week for the wedding of her buddy Michaella Bates of Bringing Up Bates fame. Eldest daughter Jena was bridesmaid (as always, poor girl), while Ma and Pa Duggar made a congratulations video for the happy couple. Can you guess Pa’s advice to the happy couple? “Be fruitful and multiply.” One-track mind.
If you don’t know the Bateses, they’re kind of an off-brand Duggar family with their own 19 kids and reality show. It seems we’ll be forced to resort to recapping them next season out of pure desperation. Would you believe 19 Kids & Counting was four times more popular than anything else at Happy Nice Time People (with the exception of Ruby Rose’s boobs)? Readership has really taken a hit.
Jill is already back in El Salvador, where she’s been hiding in the missionary position since early July. She claims she’s already saved the souls of some gang members. Too bad the cameras weren’t there for that. But it totally happened. What do you mean, what are their names? They live in Central America; you wouldn’t know them.
Seventeen-year-old Joy Anna accompanied Jill and Derick back to El Salvador, dragging along one of the Bates daughters, too. Rumor is they’ll be babysitting Baby Israel while Jill and Derick hand out Bibles to the native brown people, who are some sort of weird tribal religion called “Catholic.” I hear they eat the flesh of their god and drink his blood in some sort of weird cannibalistic ritual. Creepy.
That’s about all that’s happened in Duggar land this week, right?
Oh, there was that one other thing…
JOSH DUGGAR HAS BEEN TRYING TO HAVE SEX WITH GROWN-UP NON-RELATIVES, GOOD FOR HIM!!!
Oddly, we’re among the very few congratulating the eldest Duggar child for limiting his sexual attention to the 18+ crowd and expanding outside his family circle. Instead, the liberal media is playing gotcha over the fact that Josh happens to be married at the current moment.
Josh seems to be the first public figure ensnared in the AshleyMadison.com hack, where the detailed account information of 32 million men and three women (who also turned out to be men) was dumped online.
If you don’t know, AshleyMadison.com is a dating site specifically for married people looking to have sexytimes with other married people who are not married to them. This is generally frowned upon. In fact, Josh himself was one of the leading frowners, working for a group that called marriage “the foundation of civilization, the seedbed of virtue, and the wellspring of society.” But, to be fair, that group fired his ass months ago.
The evidence against Josh is pretty damning. An account was paid for by a credit card with his name and billing address in Arkansas. Monthly fees were dutifully paid starting in February 2013 until Josh moved to Washington, D.C., at which point a new account was opened using a credit card with his name and his new billing address.
What was Josh looking for? In his words, “conventional sex.”
And “experimenting with sex toys.”
And “extended foreplay/teasing.”
And “bubble bath for 2.”
And “someone I can teach.”
He also wanted someone with “long hair” or “short hair,” “tall height” or “short height,” and “classy” or “casual,” just as long as she was “relaxed and easy going” or “aggressive/take charge.” Yeah, he wasn’t exactly picky is our point.
Before he cancelled the account in May of this year, Josh had shelled out over $900 looking for sex, including a $250 “affair guarantee.”
Josh was apparently down for free sex as well. Per Gawker, the email address used for AshleyMadison.com (email@example.com) was also used for this OKcupid account.
While that’s not Josh’s photo, the rest of the info fits… including the call for “casual sex.”
If you’re curious, Joe Smithson is the name of a hunting rifle maker, although it’s not clear if that’s what the email address references. The “nwa” part of the email address most likely refers to Northwest Arkansas, not the rap group, although that would be awesome.
Rumor has it Josh is already working on his public apology. Here are our predictions for his most likely excuses…
5. “Men were never meant to marry just one woman. It’s, like, in the Bible.”
4. “Ashley Madison? I thought it was Dolley Madison! First Ladies get me hot.”
3. “Gay marriage.”
2. “I needed a few concubines if I was going to beat my old man’s record.”
1. “It all happened during a dark period of my life when I switched from Chick-fil-A to Subway.”