May 15, 2019
13 Brave Americans Who Should Be Your New Stephen Colbert
CBS has announced that Stephen Colbert will replace David Letterman on “The Late Show,” leaving one really important question unanswered: if Stephen Colbert becomes David Letterman, who then will be Stephen Colbert? Never fear. We’ve compiled an incisive and trenchant and helpful list of 13 People Who Should Be Your New Stephen Colbert.
We were actually on Team Let The Late Show Die, Colbert is likely a good choice for the slot, mainly because everyone will be hoping he does this:
So, while we have some joy in our hearts over the move, it does not lessen our anxiety about who should take over at The Colbert Report. Who is man enough? Who is conservative enough? Who should let the mighty eagle of freedom soar across their desk?
1) Bill O’Reilly
Already the blowhardiest of blowhards, he could probably train the mighty eagle to land on his finger every time he jabbed it in the air.
2) Alec Baldwin
He’s out of work, he’s angry, and we could probably just watch him comb that magnificent chest hair mane.
3) Amy Sedaris
Two words: tumbling act.
4) James O’Keefe
Endless “gotcha” videos!
5) Victoria Jackson
Previous news experience? Check! Well-versed in world affairs? Check! Ability to maintain a completely ridiculous persona over many, many years? Check and check and check!
6) Orly Taitz
Already completely comfortable with fake news!
7) Ronan Farrow
Pros: Blue eyes, general sexiness, access to Hillary Clinton. Cons: MSNBC show really kind of terrible.
8) Neil deGrasse Tyson
Already a perennial guest star, he’s the Joan Rivers to Colbert’s Johnny Carson.
9) Stephen Crowder
Because he is the Alpha and the Omega of our face-punching fantasies.
10) Michele Bachmann
Because “The Michele Report” has a nice ring to it and Marcus could drop by and make sure that no one in the audience stays gay.
11) Jessica Williams
Because it is time for her to step out of the long shadow of Jon Stewart and stretch her eagle wings and fly. Also, so many swears. If she can’t be queen, she should be Stephen Colbert.
12) Greg Gutfeld
Howard Stern endorsed him for the slot, so it is probably a done deal, because of how culturally relevant Howard Stern is. Also, Gutfeld really needs more venues to pimp that book of his because the 14 minutes angry fossil Don Imus gave him wasn’t enough.
13) Ben Shapiro
Because if you don’t, the liberal media wins, and America is clamoring for a conservative voice, a melodious voice, the dulcet tones of Ben Shapiro.
Comedy Central, please make sure to credit Happy and give us lots of monies when you choose one of these great people.