13 Brave Americans Who Should Be Your New Stephen Colbert

13 Brave Americans Who Should Be Your New Stephen Colbert

CBS has announced that Stephen Colbert will replace David Letterman on “The Late Show,” leaving one really important question unanswered: if Stephen Colbert becomes David Letterman, who then will be Stephen Colbert? Never fear. We’ve compiled an incisive and trenchant and helpful list of 13 People Who Should Be Your New Stephen Colbert.

We were actually on Team Let The Late Show Die, Colbert is likely a good choice for the slot, mainly because everyone will be hoping he does this:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=U7FTF4Oz4dI

So, while we have some joy in our hearts over the move, it does not lessen our anxiety about who should take over at The Colbert Report. Who is man enough? Who is conservative enough? Who should let the mighty eagle of freedom soar across their desk?

colbert_eagle3

1) Bill O’Reilly

bill-oreilly-angry-pointing

Already the blowhardiest of blowhards, he could probably train the mighty eagle to land on his finger every time he jabbed it in the air.

2) Alec Baldwin

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He’s out of work, he’s angry, and we could probably just watch him comb that magnificent chest hair mane.

3) Amy Sedaris

tumbling30

Two words: tumbling act.

4) James O’Keefe

james_okeefes_booking_photo

Endless “gotcha” videos!

5) Victoria Jackson

Previous news experience? Check! Well-versed in world affairs? Check! Ability to maintain a completely ridiculous persona over many, many years? Check and check and check!

6) Orly Taitz

orly

Already completely comfortable with fake news!

7) Ronan Farrow

ronan-farrow

Pros: Blue eyes, general sexiness, access to Hillary Clinton. Cons: MSNBC show really kind of terrible.

8) Neil deGrasse Tyson

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Already a perennial guest star, he’s the Joan Rivers to Colbert’s Johnny Carson.

9) Stephen Crowder

Punch2

Because he is the Alpha and the Omega of our face-punching fantasies.

10) Michele Bachmann

michelebachmann

Because “The Michele Report” has a nice ring to it and Marcus could drop by and make sure that no one in the audience stays gay.

11) Jessica Williams

Because it is time for her to step out of the long shadow of Jon Stewart and stretch her eagle wings and fly. Also, so many swears. If she can’t be queen, she should be Stephen Colbert.

12) Greg Gutfeld

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=I2FriZHFa7s

Howard Stern endorsed him for the slot, so it is probably a done deal, because of how culturally relevant Howard Stern is. Also, Gutfeld really needs more venues to pimp that book of his because the 14 minutes angry fossil Don Imus gave him wasn’t enough.

13) Ben Shapiro

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Because if you don’t, the liberal media wins, and America is clamoring for a conservative voice, a melodious voice, the dulcet tones of Ben Shapiro.

Comedy Central, please make sure to credit Happy and give us lots of monies when you choose one of these great people.

[Variety]

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  • Estproph

    I vote Gene Ray.

  • torontomeridith

    Paul F. Tompkins or GTFO.

  • weejee

    I vote for Oily Titz.

    • glasspusher

      Is it safe?

      • weejee

        She was foul pole dancing at the Mariners – Athletics game last night & jinxed Kyle Seager’s home run. Which was ruled fair on the field, over-turned on replay and later shown to clearly have been a home run on another camera not used in the replay. Grumble, grumble…

  • Wendy Belgard Hanawalt

    I like the Jessica Williams idea. There are interesting possibilities there, and she’s funny.

  • timpundit

    Take it from an oldz. I don’t think Carson had Rivers on that much and plus he didn’t even like her.

    • borninatrailer

      Wikipedia says 93 guest host appearances.

  • Squirrel_t_robot

    I freaking love Jessica Williams, sign her up!

  • Northern Isaac

    Oh, finally they’re getting a permanent host for The Colbert Report.(I remember the “feud” Conan O’Brien had with Stewart and Colbert during a writers’ strike: Conan kept calling Stephen Colbert “the temporary host of The Colbert Report.” Golden times…):-D

    • Vienna Woods

      Their epic fight was hilarious.

  • Arcturus

    This is terrible news. Colbert will not be Colbert anymore on the network, just a bland shadow of what we see now. And as for this article, no one can be the new Colbert, hell, Jon Stewart could not be the new Colbert. But if I had to pick someone? Julia Louis-Dreyfus.

  • ibwilliamsi

    There will never be anyone to fill Colbert’s shoes at CC.

  • CripesAmighty

    John Oliver

  • malsperanza

    How could you leave out Donald Trump?

  • Michael Rappaport

    Squirmin’ Herman Cain, with Mike Huckleberry as his sidekick.

  • leemoder

    Forget that…Who’s gonna be the new Tek Jensen??

  • Jaime Oria

    Egads! Just seeing those two Fux-brained assholes Gutfeld and O’Reilly scroll across my screen makes me want to punch every comment here right in the face. It is indeed fortunate I am seeking treatment for my rage issues and that Happynicetimepeople does not allow comments. Or does it…?

  • Cindyinencinitas

    I seriously immediately thought of Victoria Jackson so, thanks.

  • Swampgas_Man

    I was hoping for Bianca del Rio, myself.

  • mtn_philosoph

    Forget Steve Crowder… my choice would be Boyd Crowder! He’s a master of insincere sincerity, so he’d be perfect!

  • bellaganj

    too soon, lisa. i’m not ready .

  • hellslittlestangel

    Oh, so that’s Greg Gutfield. Wotta jerkoff.

  • temporarily’tom’

    My irony vote goes to Oily TaintzNon ironic- Tyson, of the Neil DeGrasse Tysons

  • alboy2

    Trust me on this, NOBODY wants to hear anything the Virgin Ben has to say. Ditto for the execrable Victoria Jackson, O’Lielly, Bachmann or O’Keeffe has to say. Amy Sedaris? Genius….

  • Reverend Xenakaboom

    I would, though, bet that Wyatt Cenac would be able to hold up the mantle, too. Remember, TCR was borne out of a thirty second throw away fake ad. WC already raised the flag back in 2008, the night Obama won the presidency when he contemplated replacing TCR with The Cenac Attack. Why not revisit that scenario? PS: It goes without saying that Amy Sedaris and Jessica Williams would be great choices.