Your fanfic comes true! Smallville's Chloe now leads sex cult

Smallville actress Allison Mack has been spending her time acting as second-in-command and lead recruiter of a secret sex cult called the DOS.

I’d grade this computer language joke a C++.

Sure, it’s pretty shocking if you’re only familiar with Ms. Mack’s work as Clark Kent’s proto-Veronica Mars reporter pal Chloe Sullivan. But should the public really be all that surprised?

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The clues were right in front of us the whole time. In fact, knowing what we know now, Ms. Mack’s IMDb page starts to look more than a little like a cry for help.

I mean, her second-ever role was Police Academy 6: City Under Siege. Do you have any idea how bad that can screw up a little kid?

At the impressionable age of 12, Ms. Mack starred a young girl who, with the help of her brother, uses hypnosis to “manipulate their parents into submissive behavior.” In her very next role, she and her friends trick their parents into sending them to a summer camp of their own design. Her early career was pretty much a crash course on how to manipulate people into doing your bidding no matter how self destructive the behavior. And we’re supposed to be surprised she wound up in a cult?

Seeing that you can star in Airplane! and still be reduced to this dreck couldn’t have been good for her psyche either.

Ms. Mack also seems to have a fascination with the literal shrinking of people. She’s worked on not one, but two movies where family members are shrunken down to the size of ants. This could suggest an insatiable need to place herself above others, especially those close to her.

Or that Hollywood really is out of ideas. One or the other.

What’s more damning are some of her recent titles. In a mini-series called Riese that aired during the later years of Smallville, Ms. Mack plays an “ambitious, sadistic and manipulative member” of a religious cult. In the talking dog sitcom Wilfred, Ms. Mack’s recurring character is ultimately revealed to be (SPOILER ALERT!) mentally insane and gaslighting Elijah Wood’s Ryan the whole time. If that’s not art imitating life, I’m not sure what is.

We’re going to have to give these publicity photos a pass, however, because the 8×10 glossies of every actress under 40 in Hollywood make her look like she’s auditioning for a sex cult.

But the question is, why a sex cult? According to The Frank Report, Mack “created the DOS with the intention of turning it into a worldwide organization that would be a ‘force for good and a female force against evil’.” So she wants to be Clark Kent with a uterus. That’s a pretty noble vision for a group that allegedly starves, beats, sleep deprives, and blackmails women who are kept as sex slaves.

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  • Anthony Eldridge

    I am currently waiting for the punchline! This is real?!?

  • ppi23

    I joined a sex cult in the islands. Said the name was The Happy Sex Cult. With a name like that, who wouldn’t wanna join? Turned out to be a total sausage fest. Never trusted google translate again

  • Grant Stoutenburg

    The fact that more and more tabloids are posting articles about all this has me bored. One thing that this one forgot to mention is the she’s “a victim as well as a perpetrator.” And maybe it did start out as a force for good, but don’t forget the man above her, Keith Raniere. Has anyone considered that he might have manipulated her into turning it into a sex cult?

  • MichaelANovelli

    Oh please, City Under Siege is EASILY the second best movie in the franchise!