Here Is Your Complete Roundup Of All The Thanksgiving Recipes You Have Ever Wanted Or Feared Or Both
Over at our sister site, TerribleNewsForTerriblePeople.com, we’ve been putting together an entire Thanksgiving feast for you to force your servants and/or minions to make for you tomorrow. You can’t actually do it, of course, because you’ll be busy waving your hands around vaguely in a misguided and utterly insincere attempt to help before retiring to the living room to stare glassy-eyed drunk at the teevee. Before you get too drunk, make sure to shove these recipes at someone so they can do their jobs and feed you.
Make a respectable cranberry dish. Jesus, people.
Get drunk just like Betty Ford used to (you’ve already got this part covered, champ) and make this boozehound cake.
Cook like K-Lo and learn how to stuff a turkey with White Castle hamburgers, because classy. (See? You do not want to touch a turkey’s ass OR White Castle. Make the little people you pay a pittance to do it instead.)
Ingest an ungodly amount of sugar substitutes with Mamie Eisenhower’s Cold War Jello surprise thing.
Hate the Mamie Jello because repugnant, but then be grateful it is not this Rush Limbaugh jello that has Miracle Whip and olives. Beat your servants senseless for making this.
Finish it all off with some Nancy Reagan monkey bread that is probably some racist bullshit but you do not care because you will Master of the Universe eat that entire fucking pan.