Wild Wild West (1999) (part 10 of 11)

Cut to Loveless on top of his giant spider’s head, and nearby, Munitia holds a gun to Grant’s head. Loveless orders the president to sign the surrender document, again, and Grant refuses again. So Loveless takes the spider into a nearby town, and starts firing rockets and blowing the place up. Loveless destroys the town quickly and effortlessly, and yet, I don’t care at all. Somehow, this movie has even made blowing shit up incredibly boring. How sad is that?

Caption contributed by Albert

Loveless gets his well-deserved revenge on Pioneertown.

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But wait, here come our daring heroes on their flying machine to save the day!

Jim, ever the idiot, cries out, “Yee haw!” at the top of his lungs, thereby alerting Loveless to their presence. Good job, dumbass. And Gordon is a big dumbass, too, because he flies his Air Gordon (ugh) underneath the giant spider, giving Loveless a perfectly lined shot at them. It’s only by dumb luck that they avoid getting hit by the ensuing fireball.

Caption contributed by Gareth

Indiana Jones and the Spider Who Ate Too Much Hot Sauce

With this worthless aerobatic stunt accomplished, our heroes fly the Air Gordon high above the spider and drop some of Coleman’s nitro on it. As expected, the nitro does nothing to slow down the spider.

Frederique fires a machine gun at the Air Gordon, puncturing the wing fabric and sending our heroes plummeting. But Gordon aims his aircraft at the head of the spider, and plows right into Munitia and Grant.

Caption contributed by Albert

You do not want to fuck with Victoria’s Secret models. I hear Adriana Lima is stockpiling C-4.

Munitia gets pushed over the edge, and plunges to her death, but miraculously, the president and our heroes don’t. They all hang onto the Air Gordon as it swings over the edge of the spider head and allows them to climb down onto a lower level inside. All together now: How convenient!

But not so conveniently for our heroes, a gunshot sound effect (really, it sounds that bad) rings out, and they all turn to see two of Loveless’ ladies standing a short distance away. The women order, “Let’s go,” in the most deadpan delivery possible.

So our heroes and the president are taken back to the top of the spider head to see Loveless, who’s pissed at losing Munitia and her beloved ass. He offers Jim and Gordon the chance to join him instead of dying. Jim replies with a dumb joke about using Loveless’ “half-ass body” as fertilizer. Loveless snarls and opens a trapdoor Jim is standing on—yes, that convenient trapdoor he’s standing right on—and Jim ends up right back down on the lower level.

Loveless: We may not have a woodshed on board, but that boy is gonna get a whoopin’ anyway!

So, just because the movie isn’t long enough, there’s an extended fight sequence where Jim takes on various goons, all of whom we’ve never seen before. Oh, and they all have metal body parts. Why? Well, it’s simple. Loveless is an inventor, and ummm… he has lots of machines, you see, and… Okay, look, I’m clueless here. But I’m pretty sure I’m not the only one.

Jim gets to his feet and meets a man whose hands have been replaced by retractable sword blades. Not that it matters much, since all he can do is flail his arms about like a six-year old trying to mimic Leonardo. In response, Jim extends his boot blade, and even tries to wiggle it around menacingly, which might be the only genuinely funny moment in the entire movie.

Caption contributed by Gareth

“Welcome to your castration appointment… and yes, please disregard the irony of the large balls behind me.”

The two fight, and Sword Guy manages to cut off Jim’s boot blade almost immediately. And then another guy shows up out of nowhere. This guy has a railroad spike through his head, and is wielding a giant wrench as a weapon.

Together, the two henchmen start kicking Jim’s ass. And I meant that literally. Sword Guy and Wrench Guy kick Jim’s ass cheeks simultaneously, and he’s sent flying across the room. When he lands on the ground, a third guy with a bad eye appears. He’s wielding a shovel, which he uses to try and mash Jim’s balls.

Caption contributed by Albert

Shovel Guy is ready to scoop up whatever mess Will Smith makes next.

Jim evades the attack, leading to more generic fight moves. During the fight, Jim manages to wrap a chain around Sword Guy’s throat. He pushes the guy out of the spider, sending him to his certain death. Unfortunately, Jim has to make an “action movie”-style quip before offing the guy. Any guesses?

Jim: That’s it… No more Mr. Knife Guy!

You may punch something now.

Jim then finishes fighting Wrench Guy and Shovel Guy in ways too bland to mention here, so I won’t.

Ah, but Jim’s whoopin’ isn’t yet complete, because he encounters a fourth bad guy: a dude whose entire body appears to be nothing but a layer of flesh over solid metal. Jim finds this out when he kicks the guy in the crotch, which causes his testicles to rattle like a cowbell. It’s almost like he used his balls to make a Newton’s Cradle.

So Metal Balls Guy has the obvious upper hand on our hero. Jim tries attacking with the wrench dropped by Wrench Guy, but all blows on Metal Balls Guy don’t faze him at all. Eventually, Jim is cornered, about to tumble off the spider to his death. So there’s a dumb joke where Jim apologizes to Metal Balls Guy, and hands over the wrench. Yeah, that’s hilarious.

Metal Balls Guy growls and raises the wrench for the final blow… and then… he short circuits. Yes, he’s apparently a cyborg, and he got himself angry enough to short himself out. He just keels over. Jesus, even “convenient” can’t cover the absurdity of this.

Caption contributed by Gareth and Albert

That’s what you get for taking roles away from Richard Kiel!

Loveless, who’s been watching the fight from above, decides to finish the job himself. He leaves his two ladies in charge of the spider while he takes an elevator to the lower level. The moment he arrives there, Jim swings down from the ceiling and kicks Loveless into the wall, jamming his wheelchair. Jim says some stupid stuff (as always) before telling Loveless he can never beat a “good old fashioned pair of legs!”

Loveless retorts, “Well, you’re obviously not a poker player.” Unfortunately, we’re going to have to wait a while before Loveless completes this joke, because four mechanical legs slowly sprout out from beneath the wheelchair. Finally, with his own spider legs extended, Loveless delivers the punch line: “Four of a kind always beats a pair!” And can I get an ugh?

Loveless approaches Jim, sarcastically reminding him of how he lost his family at New Liberty. Jim responds by punching him, causing Loveless’ entire body to spin around on his chair like Dizzy Devil. Loveless kicks Jim to the ground and starts stomping on him, eventually applying pressure against Jim’s head with one metallic foot.

Caption contributed by Gareth

No, this is not what you’re thinking. If you’re thinking that, please get some help… or write some fanfiction, whatever floats your boat.

And it’s Gordon to rescue, who’s watching the fight from above, through the trapdoor. He passionately (read: dully) pleads for Loveless to stop. And then he extends his arm and out pops that contraption he used to hold his notebook earlier, except now, instead of a notebook, it’s the tiny gun! Wow, he actually took Jim’s advice! I never saw that coming!

Apparently, neither did Gordon, because it seems this was unplanned. I say this because he takes a full three seconds to realize the gun is even extended before he grabs it and cocks it. And Frederique, who was assigned to guard him, doesn’t even try to stop him. She even has her rifle pointed away from Gordon. She just stands there until Gordon puts the gun in her face and tells her to drop the rifle. Damn, why is everyone in this movie so fucking stupid?

Gordon then points his gun at Loveless down below. A tense standoff occurs where Loveless taunts Gordon, telling him he doesn’t have the guts to shoot. Why do movie villains always feel the need to taunt people who have them at gunpoint?

Gordon finally shoots, and it appears he missed. There’s even a mildly amusing bit where Loveless complains that after all that buildup, Gordon missed. But as it turns out, Gordon was actually aiming for one of Loveless’ metallic legs.

A yellow-orange liquid starts leaking out, which causes all four of Loveless’ legs to stop working and fall off. All four? So the crucial fluid required to keep all four legs running was found in one leg? Loveless, you are as smart as Jim and Gordon combined. Which is really not saying much, considering both their IQs are in the negatives.

Caption contributed by Albert

“Dammit! I thought a machine that ran on Tang would be invincible!”

With his one bullet spent, Gordon is now at the mercy of the two women, who pound on him ruthlessly. At the same time, Loveless is at the mercy of Jim, who takes this opportunity to gloat at his helpless opponent. Yeah, don’t kill him while you have the chance, idiot. Just then, Loveless remembers the shotgun on his wheelchair, and quietly uses his hands to hobble his way back towards the chair.

Upstairs, the president gets in on the action and punches Ms. Lippenreider, sending her tumbling over the edge. Gordon fights Frederique. No, wait, he’s dancing. He’s doing ballet, in fact. And when Frederique attacks, he simply dances out of the way and she jumps over the edge of the balcony as well. That’s right, I said she jumped, because no one is uncoordinated enough to miss someone who dances out of the way. I can only assume Gordon’s dancing was bad enough to make her want to end it all.

But it looks like the spider is still moving. Curse Loveless for inventing autopilot! Guess where the spider is headed? Here’s a hint: it starts with “c” and ends with “liff” and rhymes with fucking convenient.

Multi-Part Article: Wild Wild West (1999)

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  • Mangraa

    I had forgotten just how godawful this movie was. Getting PTSD over here.