Why the Airlines have Bigger Problems than Fat Movie Directors! by Lloyd Kaufman
A little while back, there was a meeting of the minds; an encounter so epic it tore the faces off of anyone who read it too closely. I am, of course, referring to my legendary interview with Troma founder Lloyd Kaufman. He was such a big hit that a guest article was inevitable. We were expecting him to level his unblinking eye on the .90 caliber pezzo da novanta who gave us Avatar, but his kind of straight from the hip, truth bullet style reporting simply could not be contained. So join us as we play magazine for a bit, and present:
Why the Airlines have Bigger Problems than Fat Movie Directors!
By Lloyd Kaufman
The recent flap about Kevin Smith, director of Clerks and Chasing Amy, being chased off an airplane because he is too fat is kind of hilarious. A Troma maxim of screenwriting is that fat + fart = funny, and I am certain that Kevin Smith, the fatty that he is, probably farted at the time he was the ejected = ha ha! As you fans can tell by my tweets on Twitter, etc., I travel quite a bit. I have a kabillion frequent flyer miles and can tell you that the airlines have much fatter problems than keeping their disgusting Greyhound buses in the sky fat-free.
I am writing this epistle aboard Delta Flight 79 from Berlin, Germany to JFK. I make movies with hideously deformed creatures, but the stewardesses on this flight are shorter, much shorter than I am and look about 70 years old. They are more hideous than the Rabid Grannies! The flight is full and smells like the locker room at Yale’s boat house, or the Lincoln Plaza Cinema in New York City during a Saturday evening on a rainy night. How could these grandma stewardesses, who can barely navigate a food cart through the aisle, possibly be of any service in an emergency? How about the airplane mechanics? I have an IQ of 160 and went to Yale and at 64 years old I am not Albert Einstein for sure, but what the fuck can these old people do if Flight 79 has an emergency? At least I jog. These seniors have asses that barely fit in the aisle. In fact, they even resemble Kevin Smith in drag. Kevin should throw them off the plane. Worse, I, a drunken passenger, would have to save these old bodies in the event of a “water landing”, that’s for sure.
My vegetarian dinner arrived. The fact that it had clearly been opened by someone before me was not what galled me. It was the fact that there was no effort to hide the fact. The aluminum foil was barely covering the slop underneath. It was a statement: “Fuck you, Delta customer,” by old, glorified waitresses who obviously hate their passengers.
These issues are nothing compared to the fact that five million people have been butchered to death in the Congo and Barack O. has yet to say a peep. If the airlines are going to go through the trouble of disrespecting a major American artist—fat as he is—they really ought to look at the bigger picture. Kevin Smith is a good guy and a funny fat guy and could have been upgraded to first class quite easily—restaurants, hotels, and Las Vegas casinos do this all the time. The fact that he was insulted is a symptom of the fact that Delta (name co-shares) and United (name co-shares) have created a cartel just like the media cartel. They do not need to compete. Their employees are nasty and hideous, and mostly because they can be. Kevin Smith was a victim of cartelism—but it’s still hilarious and I am certain that Kevin Fatty Pants farted upon being humiliated.
Upon landing, as I passed the pilots and stewardesses on my way off the plane, I did not hear any “Thank you for flying Delta.” They were too busy standing around the doorway area of the plane blathering with each other about Long Island taxes or whatever. I don’t know why, but something inside compelled me to say “thank you” to them, but of course there was no response of “You’re welcome.”
And there you have it! Be sure to purchase any of the vast quantity of Troma DVDs the internet has to offer.
I’m Michael A. Novelli, and I approved this message.